[Slow Fade]

Maelstrom I agree with Stayed and TMT. Detach, work on yourself. You cannot "win" him back. What will you have "won"? A broken man that you have to tiptoe around every moment? What kind of marriage is that? Stand up and be strong. I know its hard and it seems counter intuitive, but its the only way to get yourself into a healthy place and move through this situation.

You have to get to the place where you are not afraid to speak your truth regardless of what he may think. You have to get to the place where you are not afraid to let him go. You have to get to the place where you are important and strong and decisive. If you operate out of fear, you will lose yourself. No one else is worth losing yourself over.

((hugs))

[maomina]

Ex did actually say I'm sorry I know I hurt you a lot (never looking in my eyes while h said so) he even admitted to be 75 percent at fault but he's done nothing to make it better only made it worse !

[Songanddance]

Ex did actually say I'm sorry I know I hurt you a lot (never looking in my eyes while h said so)

In which case - that was just guilt. True remorse takes much more than an apology. My H said he was so sorry and was in tears 6 months after BD. He looked straight at me and then spent the weekend with OW. 

Whilst the monster has hold - there can never be true remorse but lots and lots of guilt.

[maomina]

Guilt = alienation!! They alienate themselves as much as possible and ow surely knows how to help with the alienation!!
 My ex was a drug addict and he blames me for his addiction!! He now says that he's clean! Ow trapped him and got pregnant and managed to convince him to leave the country with her! New country = alienation, new family = alienation, new job =alienation!!
He said that he misses the kids but he barely calls, he said that he was holding back from the baby cause he was not giving attention to d and s and still he does not call regularly! Words that speak of guilt but no action done!!

[Difrent]

This is great. My WW is racked with guilt, but there is no remorse. So helpful to see it all spelled out like this.

[Sahmom]

Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

My H does not say sorry easily. Not unless he accidentally hurt me physically, like drop something on my toe. Something like that.

If he does emerge from the fog, I don't expect to hear a sorry.

This post helped me to understand the difference in guilt and remorse. LIKE Stayed! Thanks.

Sahmom

[GrowingStrong]

I love it! Makes so much sense and gives me hope for my personal growth. I want to be accountable for my past regrets so I can really heal and leave them behind me. Thank you so much for sharing!

[toomanytearss]

Two very important things I've learned from this.  And these are just my beliefs, I don't know if they are right or wrong. 

1.  You must be strong - strong in the sense of taking care of you and your children, finances, etc.  Strong about your boundaries.  I don't know how exactly to explain it, but it is very important.  Most especially for you but also the mlc'r sees any emotional distress or struggle as a weakness to be taken advantage of.  I know this.  I've been down this road. 

2.  Words without actions are meaningless.  Very important!!!  If the actions don't CONSISTENTLY match the words then the words mean nothing.  This can be applied to all people in your life.  Pay close attention to this. 

[Searching4Answers]

Two very important things I've learned from this.  And these are just my beliefs, I don't know if they are right or wrong. 

1.  You must be strong - strong in the sense of taking care of you and your children, finances, etc.  Strong about your boundaries.  I don't know how exactly to explain it, but it is very important.  Most especially for you but also the mlc'r sees any emotional distress or struggle as a weakness to be taken advantage of.  I know this.  I've been down this road. 

2.  Words without actions are meaningless.  Very important!!!  If the actions don't CONSISTENTLY match the words then the words mean nothing.  This can be applied to all people in your life.  Pay close attention to this.

I completely agree tmt

The 'words without actions are meaningless' is a big one for me. My ex thinks that his words are more important than his actions - his words are basically empty but his actions speak volumes. In the early days of our relationship they somewhat matched but once he realized that I "believed" his words the actions started to disconnect. It is hard to fake action, in my opinion, where as words can be said with no meaning behind them. I am getting better at observing the actions.

[GrowingStrong]

I want to thank you for posting this again....I have thought of it so many times since I read it last week and want to print it and keep it. GREAT insight!