[stayed]

Yes MiMix... the only way you can give any sort of assistance is strictly through example. You can't tell anybody how to do anything.  You can't force anybody to look within.  You can leave them to sort it our on their own and continue to get strong and healthy.  When they look at you, then and hopefully then, they will THINK, what's she doing that I'm not doing. 

Mine came home half cooked.  I spent the first 6 months doing what I always had done... TRYING TO FIX HIM!  I was so FRUSTRATED!  Angry.  Anxiety attacks set in.  My friends from another forum explained that I was having anxiety attacks.  That I was trying to control this outcome and my subconscious was taking over now and "forcing" me to back away.  Leave him to his nonsense.  Get healthy Stayed... and let him SEE how it's done. 

We can not fix them.  If they want to be fixed, get well, then they will figure out.  I don't know what the statistics are on "recovery" from MLC, but unless they do it on their own... it is not going to get done!  Sadly!

Hugs Stayed

[Maelstrom999]

My situation is a bit different. BD was 25th November. He said he didn;'t love me any more crying whilst he said it. He said he was so unhappy. When he saw what this did to me (a usually extremely strong and together woman) he showed genuine remorse - within 24 hours of telling me. He said he thought about looking for an OW but would not do this as he respects me too much. He talked about letting me stay in the house with the kids, he'd be happy to live in a tent and realised he would have no money as we were financially joined together. In other words he had been planning all of this for a while. Day 3 we had another long conversation where he cried again and said he was sorry for causing me all this pain - he just didn;'t realise how much I loved him. I asked for a few weeks NC to get my head straight which he agreed to. (no need to move out for this as we have staggered shifts and he is going a way in the middle of it) It is now 6 days until we have agreed to reconvene. He said there was no emotion there on the day he told me, he then said a few days later that  he believes there is some emotion due to how he feels since he told me. He was relieved for about half an hour then seemed to be as devastated as I was.
My question is if he showed genuine remorse so early on, is this likely to be MLC or is it just that he thought he had fallen out of love (it happens)

[stayed]

Read the articles Maelstrom, they all feel TERRIBLE in the very beginning.  They appear to be genuinely remorseful.  Come back and report how he is on your next DISCUSSION! 

If this actually ends this crisis, I would say, your h is having a "transition"... not a full out crisis.  Often though, transitions, forecast a future full blown mid life crisis later down the road.

I will be interested to see how your next discussion goes.

Hugs Stayed

[MIMIx]

Maelstrom,

It sounds like your h is much the same as mine.

 Mine has now been gone 19 months.  He got worse and worse as time went by.  His life became more difficult.  He eventually began with all the Script stuff trying to justify what he had done.  He told me these things like he was standing in front of an audience reading a speech.  His latest tactic > trying to put it all out of his mind, hoping it will just go away with time and we will all just forget about it.  What he doesn't realize, is that it is getting worse for us  as time goes by.  We felt bad for him at first and now we are all just fed up and mad at him. 

H has told me that he is suffering mentally and physically.  His answer > run away again and try to get it all off his mind.

I hope your h does not follow this pattern.  Mine is in such a terrible state right now and it is causing me great distress as I cannot help him.

[MIMIx]

Stayed,

How do you feel about a few little truth darts?  Some little truth darts might shake him up a bit.   I don't know what they would be at this point, but I'm so mad and fed up that I'm ready to deliver a few.  Nothing disrespectful or terribly unkind.  Just something to think about.  Like...its time you make your own Christmas traditions in your own way.  I will carry on with mine, without you.

He needs to feel the LOSS OF ME. 

[stayed]

MiMiX, Ready2Transform said exactly how I feel.  Once we begin to heal we know we are getting there when this happens"

The consistencies I've noticed across the board for reconnections, no matter what the contact type or energy level of the MLCer are:

The LBS becomes confident in themselves
The LBS sheds any codependent tendencies
The LBS finds strength in their intuition
The LBS finds the strength to speak freely in their own power to the MLCer, unaffected by any potential outcome


There is no technique, tactic, or formula more potent than strength and honesty.  It's unrealistic to say we do not affect them at all - we are the most important relationship of their adult life, no matter what the outcome.  But underlying everything, I have seen from all of your examples that if I know who I am, if I know what I believe, and if I let that be my voice - not my husband, an expert, or even family and friends, as well meaning as they are - what others refer to as miracles will happen in my life.  I believe that is the magic of our community, and if anything is to be stressed to newbies, that is it. 

Her most important comment was her 4th.  About speaking to your MLCer without worrying about the consequences.  I truly believe that we have no need to beat them up, or verbally abuse them, but HOLDING our tongue so we don't hurt their feelings, or out of "fear" of PUSHING THEM INTO THE ARMS of somebody else, or at least completely out of ours...

Speak away.  They will IGNOR anything they don't want to embrace now anyway... so don't worry about it.  I do know that they remember this, much more so, then some seem to think they do.  My h definitely remembers it all.  He knew he was being a $hit, but he just kept on being it, because he WANTED TO... some crazy idea that he was standing up for himself.  I give up. 

Speak your mind MiMiX... just don't stoop to levels you will regret.

Hugs Stayed

[MIMIx]

Yeah, my h remembers some things and does not remember others.  Honestly, he can say some mean stuff. .. calls it being honest.  And, he is another one who keeps doing crazy $h!te because he wants us to think he is standing up for himself...being a strong man.  I can tell it's all a farce by his sheepishness.

I think I am finally ready to say what I feel regardless of the outcome.   I'm ready to take the consequences.  I have figured out how to be single once again.  My kids are behind me 100%. 

[stayed]

I can honestly say, I am not surprised that you have figured it out MiMiX... everything about this $hit stinks!  It is just over the top bull$hit.  As you said, you have FIGURED out the SINGLE life thing again, your children support you.  I think as long as we do anything within the framework of our personal moral standards, we will be just fine.  None of us want to see our MLCer suffer, wish I could say the same about them in regards to us, but there you have it.

Do what you know in your heart is right.  That really is all any of us can do.  Be true to ourselves. 

Hugs Stayed

[alwayshope]

Was inspired today, thought this an appropriate place to post:

I was reminded today of 'heart', and what it means to have it.  Not the fact that I have one, we all do, but the driving force of what keeps you going through all circumstances.  How hard will you fight for what you believe in?  At what point does your drive kick in?  When all odds are against you, when people disagree and judge you, but you know - you just KNOW you have to keep going... That's heart.  Sometimes you just need to believe in yourself, and in some unexplainable way, you find the strength to do it.  Bravo.  Win or lose, when you go after it with all your heart?  You are stronger, better, wiser.  There comes a sense of freedom when you accomplish this.  Free from what everyone may or may not think or feel.  Free from everybody else's black and white ways of viewing how you need to live your life.  Sometimes you just want to fly the bird at the world, heart changes that to giving yourself a big thumbs up instead.

[31andcounting]

alwayshope~   I agree with your post, thumbs up to you!
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