[i can and will cope]

My H cycles between real remorse & guilt - he seemed to be doing a lot of "facing up to things" and facing his demons, he begun putting himself in my position and genuinely seemed very remorseful and like he was moving forwards but he's run for cover again and gone back into guilt mode.


The lack of empathy drives me crazy - I guess they have to shut that down in order move forward.

i think I just have to remind myself this is what they do ?

[jkh]

So,

I suppose I've felt genuine remorse for my wrongs. I'm 6 weeks into the physical separation and the D was filed by her 4 weeks ago. I've been trying to detach with little success and I've gone dark for the most part. I don't think talking about the relationship right now would be helpful or reminding of her of my bad behavior(jealousy, neediness.) What should I see from her before I should feel comfortable reaching out to apologize and show remorse. In our initial discussion I took almost all of the blame for the state of the relationship because I'd been told for so long that I was the problem. And, frankly, I did have problems and acting very childish and hurtful at times because of my own insecurities. But it takes two to tango. I'm not sure she really heard me during that conversation because I cried and probably came across as desperate and it probably seemed like I was making a plea. I don't know, maybe I was. But when the time is right, after she is in a better place, and after I've had sufficient time to truly analyze the situation, I'd like to give a sincere acknowledgment and apology for my mistakes. My overall goal is to preserve my marriage, so I don't want to do harm or set myself back right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Dagolark]

GUILT = Sitting in the parking lot across the street from your house for an hour, because you can't face the spouse. Coming in as fast as you can saying' I'm not staying'. Not looking someone in the face or wanting to speak to them.

Now I get it...

[Slow Fade]

I think right now, in the budding stages of H saying he wants to make our marriage work, all he feels is guilt. He says the past is the past and I want to just not talk about it because it is too painful.....too painful for whom? Yourself because your dream girl dumped you and you had to settle for your wife?

He said "everyone" wants us back together so he didn't think they would hold a grudge against us. Wait, us? What the heck did I do? Oh yes, I paid the mortgage, kept the lights on and raised our S11 while you were out banging girls your oldest sons age!  I guess I can see why people would have a grudge against me!

He hasn't said I'm sorry, I miss you or I love you. All he has said is both of us have to compromise. Gee H, you are really winning me back with all of your sweet talk!

I see the guilt. I will wait for the remorse and repentance before I will agree to much more. The hatching of the MLC'r is a slow and painful process!

[i can and will cope]

reading wit interest slow fade , i am going to post conversation i had with my h (via text) i see some remorse in him but guilt also the im sorry has been there i am meeting hi on saturday this will be the third time now in 5 weeks after nothing for a few months apart from emails and texts , touch and goes or something else i dot know but am beinf=g very cautious , he could nt look me in the eye becuase he was embarrassed buy everything he has done and put me through , he has just gone with the flow coz its easier than mending our broken hearts ?
i just dont know hugs sf x

[stayed]

That sounds familiar Slow Fade!  Good for you, no remorse...no reconciliation!  Why put yourself through the agony?

hugs Stayed

[Songanddance]

Absolutely - I am nowhere near where you are SF but know that until he expresses remorse and is prepared to be accountable as well as being sincere in any loving words - that achieving the reconciliation will never happen.

I don't mean that I wouldn't be open to listening and allowing H in but I will believe nothing until ....

[toomanytearss]

Yes, that is it.  Remorse.  I see none.  Only guilt.  I didn't really understand the difference.  It hit me a few days ago.

Guilt is taking a Hershey's kiss when you weren't supposed to - you feel guilty about it but no remorse because you are still glad you took it and ate it.  Even though you feel guilty you did.

Remorse is when you take the candy and eat it even though you knew you shouldn't but now you wish you hadn't done it.  You wish you could put it back.  You want to make it right so you go and replace the kiss you took and apologize for your weakness. 

Guilt is just a reaction to an action.
Remorse is more like a response - it's thought out and consequences are considered. 

[Dagolark]

Ah. That is a good explanation. I still struggle with understanding since in my language we don't really have a marked difference between the two terms. Any other examples would be welcome!

[LaughLoveLive]

I agree that is a really good explanation.

I have another, a situation that came up the other day and gave me an opportunity to talk about the difference with my D12. After all, it is a life lesson for everyone not just MLC or LBS.

D12 was having trouble with a friend telling secrets about her, you know the whispering campaigns that girls can get up to. When it was all exposed, The friends biggest concern was for D12 to please please not say anything to me coz I might tell her mum and then she would get into trouble. Guilt but not remorse. She knew she had done the wrong thing but her concerns were for herself. She never understood that she had hurt D12 or tried to make amends - that would involve remorse.

Guilt is self centred "how does this make me feel?"
Remorse is focused in the other person "how did that make you feel?" And "what can I do to atone?"

The big problem with guilt is that it makes you feel bad. That then leads to either minimising or denying things, or projecting those bad feelings.  Monster.

Remorse makes you work through those bad feelings rather than ignore or deny them so it is difficult and confronting and a challenge but in the end you feel better if you make amends.

Since MLC hit our family, I have tried very hard to foster an open honest atmosphere where it is ok to admit fault rather than cover things up. i was just so hurt by the level of deceit. I have learnt to be very careful to be calm and reliable in my response  so now my kids (hopefully) are willing to acknowledge when they do something, they dont need to feel guilty, they know they will still be loved and forgiven but they also know they must make amends. it might be to clean up a mess or try to fix what was broken or to offer help to someone who was hurt.