[Rebel Yell]

 
Yeah, I knew that could be taken 2 ways!
I think I'd use Miracle Grow instead of the Bovine Scatology we are getting used to..
Smells better anyhow.

[trusting]

I keep wondering when my H will wake up and smell what he has been shoveling.  Sure smells to high heaven to me.

[forthetrees]

Folks the following quote came out of a newsletter on the med. condition I am dealing with but the overall topic was depression (my deal causes physical destruction and lucky me it can lead to cognitive consequences as well- the surprises just keep coming.)
Anywho, when you read this paragraph, MLCer pops into mind big time.

If you are not sure whether you are depressed, you can ask your spouse; they will tell you.  More often than not, it is the spouse that sends people in to see me.  When a person is depressed, they don’t want to burden anyone or want other people to know.  When they are out in public, they put on their best face and try to mobilize what resources they have.  That takes a tremendous amount of energy to do while depressed.  To make yourself look happy when you are really depressed takes an immense amount of concentration and effort.  Then when they go home, they have to stop trying.  It is like having run four-minute miles all day long.  They get home and have to just relax.  They let their guard down and the family sees what they are, which is depressed.  So the family often takes the brunt of it.

I think that is it in a nutshell. Perhaps the Vanishers can´t even handle the piece of coming home and being "found out."

Now, to not leave you hanging with no hope at all, the article ended with two very interesting quotes that apply to the LBSer in a BIG way: 

 The deeper sorrow carves into you, the more joy you can hold.
Kahlil Gibran

The one law that does not change is that everything changes, and the hardship I was bearing today was only a breath away from the pleasures I would have tomorrow, and those pleasures would be all the richer because of the memories of this I was enduring.
Louis L’Amour (1908-1988)

Thinking of you all,
FTT

[Butterfly]

That was really helpful. Thanks for writing this.
Butterfly

[justasking]

FTT

Thanks for bumping up this one again. It would be good if posters could continue to record their journey's with the depressed spouse.

My H certainly tried to hit rock bottom in Jan 2011 but bounced back to trying to spend more money on OW to catch the illusive happiness. I had never seen anyone look so ill and I worried about suicide as he oozed hopelessness from him.

H rallied in March and April but his business continued to slide. H is now no longer able to dodge the creditors. They chase him constantly. They now have control of him. His head is so woolly he took Jan off and a week in April as he couldn't function.  At the moment he isn't sleeping, told D20 that he is drinking, looks dishevelled when he is not at work, lost lots and lots of weight. He very rarely smiles even when the children are being funny. Although he gives me good eye contact when I do see him his eyes are deep and dead. His guilt and confusion is increasing. Interestingly OW is still hanging on and I believe increasing her request for a divorce as they have been together for over 2 years now. H did try to goad me into starting the process but I told him if he wanted a divorce he should do it but until then I am his wife.  My intuition tells me this is again rock bottom and he isn't bouncing. He has completely withdrawn from me over the past Weeks to no contact at all, unless he visits the children and even then he tries to keep out of my way.

One positive is that he has started to really reconnect with the kids. He now takes all of them out together for hours. Previously he would choose a 'favourite' and concentrate on them for a few weeks than move onto the next one.

So his tunnel is dark, empty and lifeless and his physical demeanor shows it.

Carrying on watching to see what happens next. God has him to deal with.

xx

[watching and waiting]

Hi JA
We are very much in the same place at the moment, but then we have been all through this torment, haven't we.

I also believe my H is bouncing into depression and replay.  He has hit rock bottom also I believe.
I have seent he desperation.  The 'my life is not living, I would be better off dead ' times, and then he snaps out of it, sometimes within minutes and runs into replay so fast.

Like your H my H has been withdrawn from me for just over 6 weeks.  I have seen him twice for 5 mintues in that time and he cannot even look at me.  He distracts himself with the pets and ignores that i am in his company.

Now he has no job, so no more money coming his way to finance his fantasy.
OW clings on.  How desperate can these OW be?

I haven't posted much in the past few months as I have been taking time out for me.
I have been reading around though.

Stay strong everyone.
HUGS

[Shantilly Lace]

You know what? I think 2 weeks ago Dearheart may have hit rock bottom. He has bounced since then but I think it was rock bottom.
I Remember I hit rock bottom at least twice when I left Dearheart. The first time was actually before I left him but when I hit I was gone the following day.
The second time I hit was what propelled me to seek help. I couldn't bear the thought of going down again.
 I think I was lucky in some ways as I had no other person to distract me. I spent alot of time distracting myself and worked huge hours at night. I slept very little. This was about 3 months in the second hit.  And a little while after that I sought help. 

I look at what is happening and I think MOST will have to hit rock bottom. Some will recognise the slide and try stop it by seeking help. Others know they're going down and will scrabble to avoid it. doing all sorts of things to not have to deal with that terrifying place.
Working long hours, other people, spending it's all avoidance now we know that.
I think before they left though they hit bottom and bounce to try save themselves not realising they can hit harder and further than before.

Dearheart hit rock bottom I don't know whether he will hit again or if this may make a
Movement for him. I know after hitting the second time. I ran again BEFORE I sought help.
So even if your beloveds hit rock bottom and look like they're running it's because they are. In their minds they are running to save their lives

[justasking]

Shantilly

Thank you for the great insight into rock bottom. I think you are right when you talk about the running.

My H finances are now so bad he is unable to dodge and dive as previously. The creditors and banks now have control. I know that he feels he has lost everything. He is auditing his books in case he becomes bankrupt and he knows this isn't his decision anymore as he owes so much money from the business.

When (if!) the bankruptcy comes both of us will go into financially free fall, although i am in better place through protecting myself but it will still have an impact.

I feel he has completely withdrawn from me. He no longer has the energy to fight this and his guilt overwhelms him and he is a broken man.

OW remains and H has kept her in the dark about the desperate state of his finances. She has lived well over the last 20 months but the karma bus is coming for her and H as I believe without the money she will kick him into touch and I think he knows this too hence the fantasy he has tried to keep going despite no money.

So I feel his running is in his withdrawal from me and not in replay behaviour. I will have to reread liminality again 

xx

[With Gods Help!]

Hi everyone this thread as been an asset to me, i really don’t know how to explain the difference with my h, apart from he his accepting the blame for everything he as done.......he no longer spews and his talking a lot of coming home.............where as before i was seen as the controller i am now seen as his rock (lighthouse) and he said to me he realizes he should never have treated me the way he as and when he comes home hes goner treat me the way he should have before this, he spoke of really feeling the love for me he said no its not lust as i thought when i met o/w ( think he realizes this is what it is was o/w).............i know many of our h's are in financial troubles and this is what kept my h stuck before..........however i have heard from others that h is sorting that too as he doesn’t want o/w to talk about him abandoning her with his debt (even though he spent it on her) i believe through observing my h that hes seeing the trouble he caused and before he comes home he wants to put it right so there are no implications/consequences or reasons from o/w when he returns (i know in my h's case there’s the baby) but he as said he will sort that out when he comes home,  he said he isn’t abandoning baby and will fight for access, hes leaving o/w not baby, he also says he knows she will use baby as a weapon so hes trying not to give her anymore reason to manipulate and blackmail him......................My question is this why do these o/w manipulate and blackmail only to keep them why don’t they let go is it because they know we were right all along......................h makes it obvious to her hes only there because she allows him to treat her this way................this i know is true because ive seen it and read his replys to her that hes willingly let me read. On one occasion a couple of wks ago she texted him and she said your a piss taker, however o/w said nothing when he returned from my house to hers i believe h as seen my strength and this is what draws him closer and hes accepting hes to blame and not me or our marriage hes finally seeing o/w for what she is, desperate, needy  and a drain on his soulxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Shantilly Lace]

Part of it would be EGO.
Pure and simple

If the MLCer returns to the LBS what does that say about them?

And that's what they don't like.  In ow case I truly believe that if he showed interest in anyone but me he would have been gone, but because its me...

They are both damaged and so attract to each other