[MelanieB]

This is an interesting topic.  My xH also told me, "The kids would want me to be happy".  I said, "Really?  You think that our children want you to trample their history and compromise their financial future in pursuit of your happiness?  Do you think I care if my parents are happy?  It would be nice if they were, but in reality, I don't want them running roughshod over my childhood memories, tearing our family apart to go off on some fool's errand.  They are supposed to be an example to me (yes, I'm 53 and still cling to the ideal that dear old Mom and Dad are shining the light for me to follow...).  When they were 21, I guess if they wanted to burn a few bridges in pursuit of happiness, that was the time to do it, before they had me."  Enough said-

MLCers...They just reject the whole notion of sacrifice for the welfare of others outright.   Is this all part and parcel of reverting back to acting like a teenager?    How do you ever regain your self-esteem when you do that?   

[LoveMeMyself]

I think all the MLC'ers have jumped on the "Back to their Past" bus and riding it for all it's worth! 

[Bewildered]

my h has had to resort tousing a 'happiness app' on his i-phone to tell him daily how happy he is ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

great artice as its true serach for happiness is stupid give and you will recieve x

[Trustandlove]

He also told me He couldn't please me no matter what he did.   

Hamp, my H says this as well.  That I was always complaining, never happy,  that nothing he ever did was good enough.   Of course there is some truth to the bit about me complaining; I know I was letting the stress that I was feeling come out in not the greatest ways. 

I do remember saying to him about a year ago that I'm sure I did everything that he's accusing me of, but that that wasn't the primary problem -- the problem is his not feeling good enough.  Now that may not have been the greatest thing to say to HIM, as it was still saying that he was the one with the problem, but that is the crux of it.

It puts us in a double bind -- a no-way-out situation.  It means that we can never voice any concerns, for if we do and they don't like them, they can just fall back on "well, that was my best, take it or leave it".  It's a way of shutting things down.   It's the teenager saying "I don't want to". 

I'm starting to think that the answer is to actually say "you're right, if this is your best (whatever the point in question is) then no, it isn't good enough.". 

But right now I'm just staying silent. 

But hiding behind "my best" just means that they don't have to deal with the situation. 

x

[unbroken]

So I'm really struggling with why they don't just get the divorce over with if they are so unhappy and we are the problem.
It's been over 3 1/2 years for me.  Most of that I can peg as classic MLC.  My H is now a vanisher.  Big change.  More of a boomerang before that.  Not a single word in over 5 months.  Never told me where he was going or what he was doing, just left.  Was kind enough to leave a note saying he needed time to think.
I was thinking that perhaps he hit liminality, certainly depression and withdrawal, at least in actions, if not in stage.  I'm confused about what to do now, although I know there's really nothing to do.
Is any one else in this spot?

[hampc0cv]

liw - My exh has been a vanisher from the word go.  I don't understand it but have been told he is guilt ridden and ashamed of what he has done and therefore cannot face me.  I wish I could believe that but I feel he hates me and can't stand the sight of me.  I just wish I knew why he will not contact me. 

I hope your H will continue to contact you.  I know how hard this is.

[unbroken]

Thanks,
As I said this is a CHANGE for us.  Initially it was "I don't love you and don't want to be married to you", but that soon changed to "I love you and always have".  He has "come back" to varying degrees with the hopes of reconciling, so he says.  He says he loves me, but always feels pulled away and he has never been fully present.  He's afraid of "this life".  Whatever that means.  Not too long before his disappearing act we went on a 3 1/2 week wilderness trip together, just the two of us.  Got along well, although platonically.  I pretty much knew that trip was going to put too much pressure on him and he was going to run, and sure enough.  Right on schedule.  Have NO idea what he's thinking. 
I thought I saw real progress last year, then really saw his depression in the fall.  Now he has withdrawn.  But for so LONG.  It's crazy.  My mind races and I come up with a defense to protect myself, as I fear the next time I see him it will be to end it for good.  Oddly enough though he did come back after leaving much more ominously a year and a half ago when he was confident that he wanted the D.  I even filed and he came back asking if there was hope for us.
So I'm in no man's land.
It's hard that no one really has experience with this on this board.  Maybe this is the road to permanent D.  Don't know.  People complain about their clinging boomerangs, but at least when they are around you have an opportunity to interact and pave the way.  I had that.  This is harder, IMHO - not initially - the first few weeks were peaceful, but then it sets in that he's just GONE and doing who knows what.

Our 12 year anniversary is next week.  I'm a little concerned I may hear something around that time.

[Mermaid]

I'm bumping up this thread because it is so important for us to recognise and deal with MLC depression. Not that we should try to fix it, but if we get the opportunity, we can certainly support someone who is depressed.

I'm adding some links from the net that might be useful:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/MH00016
http://ezinearticles.com/?10-Simple-Coping-Strategies-When-a-Family-Member-Has-Clinical-Depression&id=8807
http://www.depression-help-for-you.com/helping-someone-who-is-depressed.html
From this latter site:
When helping someone who is depressed, do provide your depressed family member or friend with information.

When helping someone who is depressed, do gently encourage the depressed person to recognize his or her depression and to take active steps to get help from a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist.

When helping someone who is depressed, do provide the depressed person with practical help, as you are able.

When helping someone who is depressed, do provide the depressed person with support.

Often when someone is trying to cope with depression, he or she needs to engage in activities such as exercise. Doing this can be hard for a depressed person because the depression makes him or her feel tired, weak, and unmotivated. You can be supportive by offering to exercise (or do some other recommended activity) with him or her.

Another way to provide support is to call on the phone occasionally, asking how he or she is doing and just being a friend. As you are doing these things to support your depressed friend, be careful not to impose. If you are too pushy, the results will be counterproductive.

When helping someone who is depressed, do model positive behaviors. One of the best ways to influence someone else to become more healthy, is to be more healthy yourself. Be a good role model for your depressed friend or family member by living a positive, growing, balanced life yourself.

[Freddygone]

I agree with Mermaid that when depressed it is often suppressed, certainly that is what I do. You need to recognise it and get support.
I suppressed it and it comes back and I cycle it over and over. Subjects we dwell on can hang around for years.
The thought patterns are not dealt with but hidden away I find. Then I take them out occasionally and beat myself up again. Once I recognise it and face it, it stops.
Recognising it yourself and having support would be good, but sometimes not possible if you are alone.
There are things that happen now which hurt us badly and we then cycle on them trying to find a solution. But there are also things in our past that we are stuck on and also form obstacles which prevent us from progressing in our lives. These issues stop us from attempting things (because we know we will fail). These problems we are dwelling on are holding us back, stopping the healing process, stopping us sleeping.
But this is not necessarily true.
I had things I was hung up on (when I was asked to look at this) from when I was 8 years old at school that meant I still avoided situations as I feel embarrassed. For no reason, only past hurt or injustice.
Earlier in this thread it was said that some professionals thought that depression could, over time allow the brain to learn and retain depressive thoughts. Probably true. This is what I describe from childhood, but not as severe as this MLC and affairs. This was something else, in a different league.

Recently I was introduced to a thing called EMT (Experience or event Modification Therapy).
It is quite emotionally painful process initially and reduced me to tears as I confronted things that were still painful that had happened to me as a child. The technique is impressive.
But this technique I learnt does the reverse of allowing your brain to keep these feelings, it allows you to process the negatives and play with them until they are positives. It modifies the event, trains your brain to overcome the negative and deals with your subconscious. You change what happened, like a play with a different script. You relive it in detail and change small elements each time you examine it until the event is now a pleasant one. It may take an hour to keep processing an event until it is completely positive.
This process if done correctly affects your subconscious. I suppose you have faced the event in detail and made it something nice.
Once your subconscious is modified....You literally dream away the problems.
Once you have taken each problem you identified in your list, as an event that needs to be modified and processed it, it is less of a problem.
The maximum events that an individual has listed is something like 14 events. You might only have 5 or 6.
It worked for me.
But I do think you can untrain your depression and recognise when it is affecting you. But it is a dark cave to be trapped in.

[Tsunami]

Ladies, I am presently reading The National Bestseller "I Don't Want to Talk About It," by Terrence Real.

This is an excellent book and very insightful regarding "the secret legacy of male depression" and I have suggested this book to other members on the site and they found if very helpful in understanding their h's depression.

Most men, perceive depression as a woman's issue, and are unable to recognize it in themselves.  After reading this book, I can look at my h with compassion and empathy because I understand his state of mind from a different perspective now.

Prior to BD I continually told my h I felt he had depression issues.  When he retired he was evaluated by the VA for changes in his health since he'd spent 22 years in the military.  Last April, by accident his VA evaluation came to the house, and he is receiving 10% disability for depression.

Things that make you go hmmmm.  Do you have any idea how badly I wanted to say "I told you so fool!"  I have no idea if he has addressed this issue, he's in a foggy state of mind.