[Albatross]

Conclusion:

1. He becomes self-absorbed: It is hard to be really there for someone else when your arms are always around yourself in feelings of grandeur, heroism, self-sacrificial claims, self pity, and indignation.

2. He feeds off his partner's character and subsequently develops none of his own: When one creates in themselves a codependent inner nature they lose much of their own identity, taking on the emotions and feelings of their partner. Although a healthy amount of codependency is good for a relationship, an overly codependent person becomes a 'non-person', and teaches his partner to not recognize him, for 'he' really, truly doesn't exist! This means that, as a codependent, one loses their own identity—and without an "I"dentity you are essentially a nobody, and how can 'nobody' be anywhere, let alone in a relationship and by their wife's side? How can one love 'nobody'?

3. He unknowingly teaches his partner that everything is about 'her': Another thing a codependent person does is to teach their partner to be selfish and self-serving. Since, to a codependent person everything is about the act of doing for the other person (remember, this is his illusion), and that nothing is about them (again, his illusion), they subconsciously condition the other person to come to expect all their needs to be met by the codependent person, in as much as the codependent person, themselves, does focus on meeting all their partner's needs—but carrying resentment about it. They subconsciously train their partner's to become selfish, expectant, and self-gratifying.

On the flipside of that, when the wife is codependent she spends an excessive amount of time feeling like her actions aren't appreciated, that she is unnoticed and unacknowledged, and that she is sacrificing herself for her husband and family and not being appreciated or acknowledged for it in return. When she feels she is not getting the appreciation at home that she feels she deserves, she becomes more vulnerable to an affair. She may mistakenly believe that only another lover will understand her and appreciate her and all that she does. You can spend years trying to make a codependent person feel appreciated and loved. However, it's like filling a bucket with holes in the bottom. Codependents have this empty hole that only they can fill up. Sometimes you may be able to get it a quarter full, or even halfway full, but no matter how much you put in this bucket, it keeps falling right out the bottom.

To sum it up, a codependent person unknowingly pushes their spouse into the arms of another, AND a codependent person, themselves, will willingly rush into the arms of another when they feel lonely, unappreciated, and not respected in their home life.

Read more about:
http://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a113.htm

Reading this, many PD are codependent. Also Codependency "per se" is not PD, but is serious issue about IDENTITY. So, I can bet that majority MLC-ers are Codependent.

My MLC-er is conflict avoider and idealist, also codependent. They simply crumble in middle age.

[Songanddance]

Read this before and I think the link is on the links/articles thread - if not,  can you pop it on there? Ta but it is a great article and so describes my H and his OW.

[Albatross]

Characteristics of Codependency

Denial Patterns:

    I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
    I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
    I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the wellbeing of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:

    I have difficulty making decisions.
    I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
    I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
    I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires
    I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
    I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:

    I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
    I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
    I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
    I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
    I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
    I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:

    I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
    I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
    I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
    I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
    I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
    I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
    I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

[Albatross]

Co-dependence was first described as a problem observed in children of alcoholics, who developed distinctive patterns of denial, shame, avoidance, lack of boundaries, low self-worth and excessive sensitivity to the needs of others in an attempt to compensate for their parents' disorders. These characteristics often carry over into adulthood and s-called "adult children" often find themselves in patterns of unstable social relationships.The terms "codependent" and "dysfunctional " originally referred to families specifically affected by alcoholism. However, these terms have been popularly generalized to include any household situation involving a neglectful or abusive family member. Therefore, codependency often describes the characteristics of family members, spouses and partners of people who suffer from personality disorders and other mental illnesses.

[Albatross]

Adult Children: -

    - guess at what normal is.
    - have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.
    - lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
    - judge themselves without mercy.
    - have difficulty having fun.
    - take themselves very seriously.
    - have difficulty with intimate relationships.
    - overreact to changes over which they have no control.
    - constantly seek approval and affirmation.
    - feel that they are different from other people.
    - are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
    - are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.
    - tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess.

[Albatross]

Going from one extreme to the other. Sometimes an individual can, in attempts to recover from codependency, go from being overly passive or overly giving to being overly aggressive or excessively selfish. Many therapists maintain that finding a balance through healthy assertiveness (which leaves room for being a caring person and also engaging in healthy caring behavior) is true recovery from codependency and that becoming extremely selfish, a bully, or an otherwise conflict-addicted person is not.

Victim mentality. According to this perspective, developing a permanent stance of being a victim (having a "victim mentality") would also not constitute true recovery from codependency and could be another example of going from one extreme to another. A victim mentality could also be seen as a part of one's original state of codependency (lack of empowerment causing one to feel like the "subject" of events rather than being an empowered actor). Someone truly recovered from codependency would feel empowered and like an author of their life and actions rather than being at the mercy of outside forces. A victim mentality may also occur in combination with passive–aggressive control issues. From the perspective of moving beyond victim-hood, the capacity to forgive and let go (with exception of cases of very severe abuse) could also be signs of real recovery from codependency, but the willingness to endure further abuse would not.

[superdog]

Oh wow! I believe that this entire page describes my h to a T.

One query, does this describe the clingers the most? My h is clinger extraordinaire and he epitomises all that these articles describe.

Sd
X

[BB64]

I could see a lot of the old me and the old H in those articles. Urgh.
I think I have come out the other side, will my MLC'er do, too?

I used to be very insecure, have low self esteem, needy, clingy. A year post BD and I cannot see the new me in those articles.
I am feeling great relief in that knowledge!!
I have become independent, confident, I fulfil my own needs (and that feels even better than when it comes from an external source), I now like my own company and always keep myself occupied with constructive projects.
I speak to people on the street and shops. In fact something occurred to me today: A lot of people speak to me now. I have realised that my H was quite controlling in the way that he seems to always be the 'front man'. He spoke to people and I just used to stand there.

I couldn't have achieved all this without this forum and all the advice and thought provoking statements from the more experienced LBS and all the support and FREE information.

I am glad somebody else is doing all the homework Thanks, Albatros for this thread.

[justbelieve]

Booboo I can relate a lot to your post. I'm not the same person (I'm 15 months post BD) I struggled with the codependency thing because I've always considered myself a strong person. But somewhere along the way everything became about him. I remember always thinking 'I'm just Mr JB's wife. no-one really sees me. only him'
Horrible hey? I realized that the more codependent I became the more it fed his narcissism. Oh man, if only I knew then what I know now!  But that's just the point isn't it?? We're all on our own journey and learning many wonderful things about ourselves along the way. I just wish it didn't have to be so damn painful!

[Albatross]

Our spouses will hit MLC no matter how we was.