[in it]

Although many of us believe we were involved with loving, caring, people before this started. The narcissistic tendencies are there and hard to ignore. Found online:

The No-Contact Rule
Experts on narcissistic abuse recovery all agree that contact with someone like this always results in pain (Payson). Maintaining zero contact is essential for you to be able to heal and cognitively and emotionally process the mental hurricane that hit. Some clients have likened the experience to like coming off a drug; it is so painful to go through the traumatic grief work in being abandoned that these feelings are akin to withdrawals. However, as you heal, you can be empowered, stronger, wiser, and more discerning and reclaiming of your own self-worth.

The target is capable of empathy, reciprocity, true and mature love, and growing in a relationship. People with narcissistic behaviors are generally not. They are only capable of deceptively seducing preselected targets to fill a psychological void. The same cycle may repeat every time. It is so imperative that the target understand the process of grieving the loss of the fantasy of the person who narcissistically manipulated him or her.

Those with narcissistic behaviors are usually hard-pressed to find a healthy connection in any relationship. When the masks are pulled off, they realize they cannot manipulate and seduce as they are accustomed to. Too many people have caught on and discovered who they really are.

Luckily, for those whose lives have been touched (or slightly marred), there is a path to healing. This process takes place through no contact, a compassionate and understanding psychotherapist, and a support forum (whether online or in person). Those who have been targets heal and move on to love others in healthy, mature relationships.

[in it]

NC provides a way to protect yourself from anymore emotional damage- stop the drama, games, and pain and get your balance... Cry sleep and heal.

If you have hopes of reconciling your marriage (or any relationship)  it may help keep the relationship from having to overcome any more damage.

Work on your self respect and self worth in the meantime.

(((((HUGS)))))

[EmeraldCityToo]

. But obvs it wasn't enough for him... he was bored..

Sorry if this doesn't post quite right, first time I have quoted anything. 

Dagolark,  my xH too.  But as I have told my kids many times, if you are bored...you must be boring. 

[in it]

We've suffered heavy losses and although the Mlcer may still live our lives have been forever changed by this devastating event.
Below is for people who have lost loved ones. I feel a lot of what's here can be what we focus on while enforcing NC.

The Mourner’s Bill of Rights by Alan Wolfelt, PH.D

As a bereaved person, you have certain rights that others must not take away from you. In fact, it is the very upholding of these rights that makes healing possible.

1. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXPERIENCE YOUR OWN UNIQUE GRIEF.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. Don’t allow others to tell you what you should or should not be feeling.

2. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR GRIEF.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief.

3. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL A MULTITUDE OF EMOTIONS.
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt, and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Know that there is no such thing as a “wrong” emotion. Accept all your feelings and find listeners who will do the same.

4. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE TOLERANT OF YOUR PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL LIMITS.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind is telling you. Get daily rest and sleep. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing thing you don’t feel ready to do.

5. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXPERIENCE GRIEF “ATTACKS”.
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO MAKE USE OF RITUAL.
The funeral ritual provides you with the support of caring people . More important, it supportively sees you off on your painful but necessary grief journey. Later rituals, such a lighting a candle for the person who died, can also be healing touchstones. If others tell you that rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.

7. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EMBRACE YOUR SPIRITUALITY.
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry with God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SEARCH FOR MEANING.
You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. Watch out for the clichéd responses that some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO TREASURE YOUR MEMORIES.
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find creative ways to embrace them.

10. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO MOVE TOWARD YOUR GRIEF AND HEAL.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

[in it]

Until you create boundaries ..nothing will change.  Take no disrespect or monstering
How do you know when an MLCer is lying? Their lips are moving

[in it]

Found online

What No Contact is and what it isn’t

No Contact (NC) is not a game or a ploy to get a person back into our lives; this technique has been misrepresented in many dating books and blogs. We should not desire to have people who have mistreated us back into our lives. On the contrary, No Contact is a way to remove this person’s toxic influence so we can live happier, healthier lives while cultivating our authentic self and minimizing people-pleasing. As shown by the image above, No Contact is the key that locks out that person from ever entering our heart, mind, and spirit in any palpable way again.

Why We Establish No Contact in the Context of Abusive Relationships

We establish No Contact for a number of reasons, including preserving a healthy mind and spirit after the ending of a toxic, unhealthy or abusive relationship or friendship. NC gives trauma bonds, bonds which are created during intense emotional experiences, time to heal from abusive relationships. If we remain in constant contact with the toxic person, we will only reinvigorate these trauma bonds and form new ones. No Contact also gives us time to grieve and heal from the ending of an unhealthy relationship or friendship without reentering it. Most of all, we establish No Contact so that toxic people like Narcissists and Sociopaths can’t use hoovering or post-breakup triangulation techniques to win us back over. By establishing No Contact, we essentially remove ourselves from being a source of supply in what is clearly a non-reciprocal, dysfunctional relationship.

How To  Do No Contact Effectively

Full No Contact requires that we do not interact with this person in any manner or through any medium. This includes in-person and virtual contact. We must thus remove and block the person from all social media networks, because the toxic person is likely to attempt to trigger and provoke us through these mediums by posting updates on their lives post-breakup. We must also block them from messaging or calling us or contacting us via e-mail.  Avoid the temptation to find out about the person’s life via a third party or other indirect way.  Remove triggering photos, gifts and any other reminders from your physical environment and from your computer.

Always refuse any requests to meet up with this person and ignore any places the person frequents. Should the person stalk or harass you by other means and you feel comfortable taking legal action, please do so. Your safety comes first. If you are in a situation where you must remain in contact with an ex-partner for legal issues or because of children, keep in low contact (minimum communication) and use the Grey Rock method of communication if this person has narcissistic (NPD) or antisocial (ASPD) traits.

I also highly recommend cutting contact with the friends of the abusive ex-partner if possible as well by also removing them from your social media sites.  I understand you may have established great friendships with these people during the course of your relationship but if you did date a narcissist or sociopath, he or she has likely staged a smear campaign against you and you will not get any validation or support from these people.

Unfortunately, the narcissistic harem or fan club is ultimately convinced by the illusion and false self of the charming manipulator. Think of your ex-partner’s “friends” (more like supply) as being kept in a perpetual idealization phase with no discard – they are not likely to believe your accounts of the abuse and may even be used by the narcissist or sociopath to hoover, triangulate, trigger or manipulate you in some way. It’s best to cut ties with them completely and create your own support network that is separate from the abuser.

Stick to No Contact

If NC is a struggle for you, there many ways to ensure that you stick to it. Make sure you have a weekly schedule filled with pleasurable, distracting activities, such as spending time with friends, going to a comedy show, getting a massage, taking long walks, and reading helpful books such as The No Contact Rule by Natalie Lue.

Take care of your physical and mental well-being by exercising daily,  establishing a regular sleep schedule to keep your circadian rhythms in balance, doing yoga to help strengthen your body and relieve stress, as well as engaging in a daily meditation practice of your choice. I offer a Healing Meditation for Emotional Abuse Survivors on my YouTube channel, and Meditation Oasis is also an excellent resource for guided meditations.  You may also experiment with alternative healing methods such as Reiki, acupuncture, or aromatherapy. For more information on alternative healing methods, I highly recommend the tools for healing section on Kim Saeed’s blog, Let Me Reach.

Do yourself a favor and look up online forums that relate to unhealthy and toxic relationships; joining such a forum ensures that you have a community and support network that enables you to remain NC and support others who are struggling just like you. It will also help validate some of the experiences that you went through during the friendship or relationship with people who’ve been there.

Do not resist your grief during this process, because you will have to face it at some point. The more you resist negative thoughts and emotions, the more they’ll persist – it’s a fact. Learn how to accept your emotions and accept the grieving process as an inevitable part of the healing journey. I recommend trying the grieving exercises and abiding by the No Contact rules in the book Getting Past Your Breakup, written by certified grief counselor Susan Elliot.

Most of all, develop a healthier relationship with your cravings to break NC by practicing radical acceptance and mindfulness to the present moment. Remember that relapse may be an inevitable part of the addiction cycle and forgive yourself if you do break NC at any point. After practicing this self-compassion and forgiveness, you must get back on the wagon after falling off of it. Track your urges to break NC in a journal to curb acting upon the urges. Make sure that before you act on any urge, you give yourself at least an hour to collect yourself. It will get easier once you realize that breaking NC often bears no rewards, only painful learning experiences.

See my videos for more Tips on Maintaining No Contact and No Contact: Healing From Narcissistic Abuse.

Why We Remain No Contact

The ending of an unhealthy relationship often leaves us reeling and feeling unable to cope. Even though we logically know we did not deserve the abuse or mistreatment, we may be tempted to stray from this when our emotions get a hold of us. Trauma bonds often keep us tethered to the abuser, as well as other factors such as codependency, low self-esteem, feelings of low worth, which may have been instilled in us from the abusive patterns within the relationship or may have kept us in the relationship in the first place.

No Contact is a space for healing and reviving yourself, apart from the belittling influences of your former partner or friend. It is an opportunity for you to detach completely from the toxic person while moving forward with your life and effectively pursuing your goals. It enables you to look at the relationship honestly and productively from the realm of your own intuition, perceptions, emotions and thoughts, apart from the gaslighting or abuse of the former partner.

Remember that anyone who has treated you with anything less than respect does not deserve to be in your life, so NC helps you to resist the temptation to invite them back into your life in any manner or form. Many survivors find it helpful to track their progress on a calendar, blog or journal. You should celebrate and take note of your NC progress, as it is both a challenging and rewarding path to self-empowerment.

By establishing No Contact, you are ultimately staging your own victory and exploring your strengths, talents and new freedom with more ease. I invite you take the first steps to recovery and success by challenging yourself to at least 30 days of NC if you are doing it for the first time. This will provide a detoxifying period where you can start to heal in a protective space of self-care and self-love, enabling your mind and body to repair itself from the abuse. Then, utilize the resources I’ve mentioned here in order to maintain NC and purge your life of the toxic influences you were once tethered to.

Happy healing!

[in it]

 

[in it]

Not an easy thing to do but no contact may help you work on your own emotions.

1.When you are in an emotionally charged situation, don’t just react. Take a deep breath and consider your options. Take emotion out of the equation and allow logic to enter into your decision making process and choose the course of action that will best benefit you.

2.Own your feelings. Don’t make excuses like, he made me do this, or he’s making me nuts. How you feel is your business. Don’t blame anyone else for how you feel.

3.When your inner voice, that always wants to take us to a place of hurt, is flashing you thoughts and images of painful things, stop it immediately, don’t allow it to travel any further. Change your focus to something positive.

4.Stop taking responsibility for other people’s junk. Stop apologizing. Own your junk and let other people own theirs. And learn the difference between the two.

5.Be confident, even when you’re not. The more you practice this, the stronger your confidence muscle will become.

6.Be like water off a ducks back. There are always going to be people in your life that will try to make you lose your cool. Recognize the situation when it arises and don’t allow any person, place or thing to knock you off balance.  If you see your ex walking down the street with his new woman, don’t run away and cry. Walk confidently right on by.

7.Lose the victim mentality. Meet all challenges from a place of strength.

8.If you are engaging with someone or something that you know isn’t good for you – just stop. Easier said than done, right? But what would logic dictate? Take off the rose colored glasses and start looking at things the way they are, not as you wish them to be. You’ve all heard the expression follow your heart, but take your head with you. If it doesn’t feel right don’t try to change it, don’t feel bad about it, don’t pine about it, just move on.

9.Meet your fears head on. Something only seems impossible until you do it once. Once you have mastery over something that previously seemed impossible, you will feel invincible and it will motivate you to greater and greater heights. Practice doing things that scare you.

10.Choose an image of a strong and fearless woman and model her behavior. Put pictures up all over your environment to remind yourself.

11.Focus on you. It’s the old cliché. But I mean put all of your attention, all of your energy on making you the best you, you could possibly be. Get motivated and get excited about all of the possibilities that await you.

[in it]

NC is not to punish them it's to protect you from any more emotional pain.It may save a possible relationship later.You'll have less damage to deal with.

[Wildfire]

Thanks for bumping this thread, In It. The timing was incredible as it came the day after I received an e-mail from my H in which he stated:

I have asked that we not have personal contact. Yet the other day I received a box in the mail containing a letter marked "Personal." I do not plan to read this letter.

Except in the case of an emergency involving either you or "dog", I would appreciate it if you would please maintain this boundary.

Now, here's the head scratcher here. I have not initiated any contact with H since we sold our house and moved into separate residences on July 1. (I agreed to sell the house because it was not financially sustainable for me to live there on my own). Yet, he has texted me, called me at 4 am,  6 am, middle of the day, etc. He has showed up at my doctor's office. He has not said he did not want personal contact to me. He has sent mixed messages and the closest he came to saying no contact is when he served me with divorce papers and we had a conversation in which I asked him if he is sure this is what he wants to do. He said, "Maybe we shouldn't have any contact during this time." He never explained what "during this time" meant and I have long since stopped asking him questions. I assumed he meant during the divorce proceedings because he was talking about divorcing then dating or divorcing, being friends, and seeing where that goes.

In the past month, I served him with a counter-petition to his divorce papers because I am asking for half the value of his car and to split our retirement plans (he has more than me). Since then he has completely monstered and I have absolutely no desire to have any contact with him. The box of stuff I sent to him were his books and and some other things of his I had planned to give him when we met to go over the divorce papers. But since he no longer wants to do that, I paid the $8 to ship the stuff to him. Hey, I didn't even get a thanks for that! LOL.

Anyway, the "personal" letter was something I needed to send for me as a means of honoring our 11 year marriage and 15 year relationship. I intentionally marked it personal so he would know ahead of time the contents of the envelope and have the choice of opening it/reading it or not. I figured he would not read it, so no surprise there. I hope some day he reads it but way more than that I just needed to know for myself that I put those words on paper and sent them to him. He may be able to just walk away from a marriage and not honor the years and relationship but I can't and I won't just because of his MLC.

Anyway, I had several reactions to his e-mail:

1. F you, as**ole.

2. You would be the last person I would call in an emergency. In fact, I had one last Friday and I realized afterwards he was no where on the list of people I thought to call.

3. You never clearly and directly said you wanted no personal contact until this e-mail. Thank goodness you are finally communicating in an open, honest, and direct manner. What a breath of fresh air.

4. I have no desire to have any type of contact with you right now. Why would I want to be around someone so angry, hostile, defensive, callous, and uncaring? Don't flatter yourself.

Those were my reactions but of course, I ultimately I did not respond. He is so angry and irrational right now he would not be able to hear anything. What's the point?

My IC said it's a projection. He's projecting his (most likely unconscious) desire for contact with me onto me...because in fact, I don't want to have contact with him.

Great thread! Thanks again, In It!

Wildfire