Hi albatross, we have had lots of arguments in our R. We met when I was 24, he was 22. We had a fun time in our twenties, lots of parties and drinking and sometimes big rows! When I had my s8 I suffered with post natal depression and H was still wanting pre baby life but trying to be excellent dad, which he was. I found it all difficult, he was always arguing with me, he would argue with others too, you know big debates that h had to win. He was like that.
We moved and he couldn't get work so he set up a business. I had second baby and 2010 he started business and spending more and more time in the city we had moved from (I never wanted to move). I was resentful because he spent our money and I felt abandoned in this place away from my friends and with a baby and 5 yr old. Then in nov. 2010 he said he wanted out, couldn't do this anymore, couldn't let another day, week or year go by without doing something about it. I made him feel like his parents, made him feel unloved and that we were still young and could find someone else. He went on and after that I sank into a depression, just waiting for him to move out when he started earning money or met someone else. Which he did, march 2012 was bd2 but two weeks later he changed his mind. He said he will get therapy and i will sort out my depression and pms and we will really work on our R. He stayed for my d3s second birthday, we went on a holiday then a week later he said he was leaving. A month after that I found out he was having an affair with the 23 year old intern he had known for six months and that unleashed MONSTER! He was so blaming, he had hypnotherapy so he could fly in a plane, he blamed his phobia on me even though he hasn't flown since he was 15, when his parents D. He had false memories in hypnotherapy and he told me he had been suffering with Stockholm syndrome and that was why he stayed for ten years and had kids etc. he tried to make me happy bit nothing worked!!! This is not true! I had typical ups and downs of people going through the baby years with a H who earned no money but spent our savings leaving us with less than half when he left.
So it was up and down but I don't know how bad it was anymore because my H has really gone to town with the negative.
I just don't understand the niceness to everyone else and the total hatred of me. He was half of every one of those arguments. He was as tricky to deal with as I was at times. We understood that I thought. I think we both looked to the other to make us happy. But we had so many stresses and we didnt communicate very well when we were really under pressure. He projected a lot of his anger at his mother onto me. And I was not aware of the term projection until all this! I turned my anger onto him because I felt resentful and put upon. I earned the money, I did the housework and I looked after the kids. He had fun with our money and our time and was risking our family. My son was very troubled by his dads absence when the business started, previously he had been a super hands on always around dad.
It's so complicated and there are so many outside factors. When I read this back I think, maybe h is right, the R was dysfunctional. But I felt like it was us as individuals not our R or our marriage that needed attention. But maybe I am wrong and I'm just clinging onto that?
I also feel like he has drawn upon examples ten yeas old and I'm not the same person.
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REPLAY - #2