[Braveheart]

I've known my wife for 14 years and we've never had trust issues until she became depressed.  She was the most honest, trustworthy person I knew.  I trusted her with my life.  I don't believe that who she is right now erases what I KNEW about her for 13 years prior.  I'm not an idiot.  Her children aren't idiots.  Her mother isn't an idiot.  Her childhood friends aren't idiots.  Neither are her aunts, uncles or cousins.  If she was a narcissistic, selfish, lying, cheating, secretive, abusive person someone, somewhere would have known it.

Something happened.  I personally believe there's a spiritual influence as well as other factors that has come into play.  W has admitted to me on several occasions that she does not know what she's doing nor can she control it.  She told me a month before BD that she saw a therapist seven months prior.  I looked it up and she was telling the truth.  She had to recognize something was wrong to see a therapist in Feb 2012.  She cheated in Aug 2012.  I found out in Nov 2012.  The woman that cheated in Aug 2012 admitted to me she started seeing a therapist in Feb 2012 because she fantasized about killing herself.  Something was very wrong way before she cheated.

If I truly believed she was happy being this way, I would feel just like Braveheart.  In fact, as it is, I feel like he does a lot of times anyway.  But deep down I know she's not happy.  Why would someone go to such great lengths to hurt themselves??  Something else is wrong.  The cheating is just a surface wound in comparison to the hell she's going through.  It has to be because that other dude ain't sh*t.  (Had to break off the bad English for that one).  There's no way under the sun she would sacrifice her family, her reputation, her health for that piece of trash that let her know from day one he was only interested in one thing.  No f*cking way.

So...I believe W is sick.  I believe she can be made well again.  I believe our Heavenly Father is overseeing all of this and will step in and heal His daughter in His timing.  I believe He is with me even amidst this suffering.  I made a vow to Him that I would stand for better or worse, through sickness and health till DEATH do us part.  Yes, I know...  the DEATH part is a tough one.  Leaves me with no other option but to trust Him.  So I do.  Even when I shake with anger that it's not over yet.  Even when I entertain sinful thoughts in my mind.  In the end, I trust Him.

This is the reason I stand.  I'll leave all the forgiveness and reconciliation to Him whenever He leads her back home.  As my mom says, I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Well I had 24 years with a very similar woman, she couldn't lie to save her own life before MLC and now nobody can believe what she has done.

The "Vows" and the bible comes up a lot in these discussions, but the vows you made have already been broken by your X and in the eyes of God you are no longer bound to them. In Biblical times when this occured the wife was often stoned to death, along with the man she was with.

I understand viewing MLC as an illness, as I've mentioned before it most likely related to the hormone hell some women go through leading up to menopause. That would explain why MLC seems to happen to "Women of a certain Age", it also means the hormones that determined a lot her past personality and prevented depression are gone and the woman you knew along with them.  I wish things were otherwise, but in all the research I've done on this, women in MLC very, very seldom ever return during the time frame mentioned on these forums.
 

[DaRealist]

Braveheart,

This article pretty much sums up how I feel.

=================================

why should I fight for my marriage?
November 5, 2012 by Kim Sorgius

He/she walked out and here you sit in the ashes of a brokenness that words can not even describe. Advice is cheap and talk is worse. All you want to do is drown out the noise. But it’s impossible. Fears, unknowns, and what-ifs taunt as if they were playground bullies. The mountain of circumstances is so high you can’t even see the peak. And every moment feels alone. Oh, but friend, you are not alone. So many have walked this path and your God, HE has already gone before you.

So, what do you do with the brokenness? Do you walk away? Move on? Find a new love?

May I challenge you to fight for your marriage because…

1. Divorce and remarriage perverts the gospel.

    Divorce and remarriage is a perversion of the picture of the relationship between Jesus and His bride, whom he died for and would never, ever, ever divorce. ~Voddie Bauchman

I love these words uttered by Voddie. I mean, honestly, if we refuse to fight for our beloved, why would we expect Christ to fight for us? I would urge you to listen to the Permanence of Marriage sermon by Voddie. He answers all of the tough questions regarding divorce and remarriage and what the Bible says about it all. I pray that you will be challenged, encouraged and equipped for this battle.

{By the way, I have the link to Rev Voddie's sermon if anyone is interested -- DaRealist}

2. Love is how we fulfill the law.

    For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:14

Don’t think for a second that I read this verse and get warm fuzzies. It’s been far too long for that. Far too many tears and far too many hateful words spat. But, Jesus walked this earth for one purpose only: to fulfill the law and free us from the condemnation of our sinful flesh. Once that law was fulfilled, a new law was given. To love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind and to love others like yourself. (Rom. 13:8-10)

So the ONLY thing we are asked to do in exchange for the radical sacrifice of our Lord is to love our spouse the way we love ourselves…the way God loves us. When I first started walking this path, the thought that often ran through my mind was- “if I was drowning a pit of sin, would I hope that my beloved would just walk away?” We always push people away when the hurt is deep and the blinders are on. Deep down,though, it’s the last thing we want. So are you really going to stand there shaking your head and watch your spouse jump off a cliff into an eternal rebellion away from God…or will you pray for his/her salvation and restoration?

3. You made a covenant, not a contract.

    Covenant love is a never-stopping, never-giving up, unbreaking, always-and-forever love. ~ Jesus Storybook Bible

When you stood before the altar, even if you didn’t know it, you made a covenant. A promise before God, to another person. Most people confuse this covenant with a contract. A contract is about me negotiating what will benefit me. It’s an agreement that I make with nothing in mind outside of myself. For example, the purchase of a house. We go in and write a contract that benefits ourselves. If there was no benefit to ourself, we wouldn’t buy the house. And if the selling party does not hold up their end of the bargain, the deal is off.

But a covenant is about the giving yourself to someone else. It’s the difference between selfishness and servanthood. It is the promise you made in your wedding vows. You didn’t say, I will love you as long as you take the trash out everyday. Or unless you become addicted to porn. The promise was…until DEATH do us part. It was a covenant.

The question is simple, which one has God called us to? Servanthood or selfishness?

4. This has never once been about you.

    The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. ~Westminster Shorter Catechism

No, it’s not fair. The injustice is heinous. Trust me when I say that I know. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to march down to the court house and demand my rights. How quickly God reminds me, “what rights?” I mean really, what has God promised in His word regarding my rights? Persecution? Suffering for His name? I still can’t find the promise that I deserve to be happy. Oh, I have looked. I bet you have, too. It’s not there.

But there are amazing and fulfilling promises there…if we can just wrap our minds around our purpose. This purpose —> That we were created to glorify God. That’s it. We weren’t created to live a picture perfect life without a single tear. We weren’t created for happiness, success, a big house, or good kids. It’s the hardest part of Christianity to swallow, but the truth is… God DOES sometimes allow hard things in our lives so that His glory can be reveled. We have to trust Him with this. Are you willing to REALLY serve God or will you hang onto the notion that it’s all about you?
5. Disobedience is never blessed by God

    Be sure of this: The wicked will not go unpunished, but those who are righteous will go free. Proverbs 11:21

Daily I fight the urge to give up. The pain is excruciating and it’s easy to convince myself that if I “move on” everything will go away. This is a huge lie, friend. Just yesterday I got an email from someone who had given up. It had been years and she was “in love” with someone else. Her husband, ya know the one who was engaged to another woman and swore he would never come back? He called and wants to come home. Why? Because God never lets go of His children. He will not bless sin and rebellion. He continues to convict…forever. Even if you stop praying. (But PLEASE don’t.) One day your beloved will realize that he/she was wrong.

We often look at the story of David and Bathsheba and think that they were blessed. I mean, David killed her hubby and they married happily ever after, right? Ha. Not so much. Go back and read 2 Samuel again. There was no fairytale ending for this sin. The baby died. (12:19) David’s son Amnon raped his half-sister (David’s daughter) Tamar. (13:14) Absalom, killed Amnon for raping his sister (13:32) and then Absalom started a civil war to overthrow David and take over the kingdom. Absalom died in the battle. (18:15) Sound like a fairytale ending? David’s life hardly ends with he and Bathsheba riding off in the sunset, in fact He later takes yet another wife who ends up hating him. He might have been a man after God’s own heart, but he never once got it right with marriage.

My point is this, friend, you do not need to fear the success of your beloved’s adulterous relationship. It will self-destruct in due time. God will see to that. And even if you don’t believe that, have you ever looked at the statistics for remarriage? They are dismal. The statistics for remarriage that starts in adultery? Even worse. They have no chance.

[Braveheart]

"My point is this, friend, you do not need to fear the success of your beloved’s adulterous relationship. It will self-destruct in due time. God will see to that. And even if you don’t believe that, have you ever looked at the statistics for remarriage? They are dismal. The statistics for remarriage that starts in adultery? Even worse. They have no chance."


The above says it all, the statistics on remarriage are dismal, that said they are far, far better than the statistics for remarriage to your former spouse. 

The word "covenant(s)" occurs 321 times in the bible and yes some of them are conditional. An example of this would be the Adamic Covenant where God promised Adam eternal life if Adam remained obedient to God's word, he didn't and the deal was off. The ten commandments was another, a covenant between God and the Israelites.

Marriage vows are not found anywhere in the bible, it is a cration of man and a conditional covenant between two people, it's broken when the vows are by one or the other.

[Rookie13]

Braveheart.... AMEN 

[Braveheart]

Braveheart.... AMEN 

You're welcome I may not be a church going man, but I've read all their sales literature...

[in it]

It's nice to see all the spiritual men on this thread. Something somewhat foreign to me with the former mlcer I dealt with...

[Dontgiveup]

The above says it all, the statistics on remarriage are dismal, that said they are far, far better than the statistics for remarriage to your former spouse. 

Do you have an actual source with this statistic for remarriage to your former spouse?  "Far, far" is not a number.

[Dontgiveup]

Marriage vows are not found anywhere in the bible, it is a cration of man and a conditional covenant between two people, it's broken when the vows are by one or the other.

Yes, the Bible takes the union of one man and one woman pretty lightly, doesn't it?

[StillStanding]

Marriage vows are not found anywhere in the bible,

What people think of as the traditional marriage vows are not from the Bible; they are from The Book of Common Prayer, compiled by the Anglican Church in the 16th century.

Ruth 1:16-17 is often used as a Biblical example of marriage vows:

But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.”

And there are all sorts of statements in the Bible about the sanctity of marriage. Matthew 19:4-6 is the one most people think of:

"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,'  and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh' ?  So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

And then there's a huge chunk of 1 Corinthians 7—1:11, to be exact:

Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.  But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.  The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.  The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.  Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.  I say this as a concession, not as a command.  I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.  Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.  But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.  To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband.  But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

And even the parts where they talk about divorce only being allowed in the case of sexual immorality, presumably including adultery (Matthew 19:9—"I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery"), it can be seen as the husband being given dispensation if he chooses to divorce, not a commandment to divorce.

You're splitting some mighty fine hairs to claim that the Bible doesn't have marriage vows in it.

[in it]

The verse from the book of Ruth is in regarding a mother-in-law situation.

I know because this is how I used to feel about her. Now an ex.

All three women had thier husbands die Naomi decided to go back to her own people after the death of her husband and her sons (thier husbands)  . Of the two daughters- in- law one returned to her people as Naomi urged.

But Ruth would not leave her mother-in- law and that verse is what she said to her.