[honour]

My needs personally Honour? At this point in time?

 Is to be respected for the pain I have been through and the experience I have had. I'm trying to share it as it helps me heal and seems to help other people also.

But I am not dealing with an MLCER I'm dealing with a TEXTBOOK narcissist. A control freak to the nth degree. His MID LIFE only magnified the problem.

You have my respect. I know only too well (I'm not referring to my ex wife) how this personality type can abuse and drain the life-force and self-worth from their victims.

In the Psychology Today article Patty's realization that, "Marriage is about loving another person and receiving love in return." is valid but the "receiving love in return" part will never happen if you have been ensnared by narcissist. As I'm sure you are only too painfully aware, narcs only know how to take and abuse.

I wish you well with your healing and recovery.

[MYSTIFIED]

COMMITMENT.

That's where I'm at. I'm committed to thks marriage  come hell or high water.

I made a commitment. You make it work. You don't quit. You know somebody for 20 years and you can't find any happiness.

You have to be happy with yourself otherwise there's nothing anyone can do to make you happy.

[in it]

You have my respect. I know only too well (I'm not referring to my ex wife) how this personality type can abuse and drain the life-force and self-worth from their victims.

In the Psychology Today article Patty's realization that, "Marriage is about loving another person and receiving love in return." is valid but the "receiving love in return" part will never happen if you have been ensnared by narcissist. As I'm sure you are only too painfully aware, narcs only know how to take and abuse.

I wish you well with your healing and recovery.

Thank you Honour SO MUCH!!

Now if you are a praying man?..Please pray for my daughters..he has them.

 They are NOT ME... But they can sustain him.

[hobo1]

In It...  you also have my respect.  I get so much of what you are saying.  My xW was not a narcissist but someone with a personality disorder nevertheless.  I also think that mid life has brought it our more pronounced.

I believe she has an Avoidant Personality Disorder, and she was never able to open up to me.  She did not have the same emotional needs that I now find that I need.  I like to be supported emotionally, I like affection, I like to talk about desires, wants and needs.  My xW is just not capable. 

I knew she loved me, I knew she was happy to see me, but to really think about it, I don't think she ever complimented me, or dare I question, did she ever say she loved me!? I know she wrote it in cards when we were young.  but let's say in the last 5 to 7 years, I don't think she told me she loved me.  I don't think she hugged me for no reason or complimented me...  I don't think I am rewriting history...  I remember she used to massage my back...  many years ago I believe we would hug a little before we woke up...  I just really am forgetting.... I just don't remember.  I also don't remember her ever saying thank you or i'm sorry.

I don't think she can satisfy my needs anymore.  It's sad really.

[in it]

It is truly sad..two people who've spent so much of a life together not being able to emotionally share things.

Too afraid of being vulnerable as to maybe expose something to be used as fodder later..in a fight or whatever...

"I'm sorry" were two words we never said to each other until it was over.

I don't think he knew what they meant. I said them first... and he just went along and said it to me. A mimic at best.

[in it]

Emotional steps in divorce (if this is what you are going through right now):

Shock:
You will feel panic, rage, and numbness or like you are going crazy. You will swing between despair that your marriage is over and hope that it will be restored. It will seem impossible to cope with these feelings

You will experience some common fears when thinking about your future alone. You will wonder how you are going to survive your divorce. Will you ever find love again, will the pain ever end or will you feel this way the rest of your life are all feelings you will experience during this stage.

Rollercoaster:
You can’t seem to settle your feelings and thoughts. You swing from being hopeful to feeling utter despair. During this stage, you will try to intellectualize what has happened. If you can only understand what is going on then the pain will go away and all will make sense again.

You will tell yourself stories to try to make sense of it and your imagination will run wild. You will wonder if there was more you could have done, or if there is anything wrong with you. Maybe your spouse never even loved you. You will wonder if your entire marriage was a lie.

There is a lot of mental re-hashing during this period. You will fill as if you can’t control your thinking and find yourself obsessed with the failure of your marriage. Depression is a danger at this stage and you may cry at the drop of a hat.

Bargaining:
You are still holding onto the hope that your marriage will be restored. There is a willingness to change anything about yourself or doing anything and that if you could just get it right, your spouse would return. The important thing to learn during this stage is that you can’t control the thoughts, desires or actions of another human being.

Letting Go:
During this stage you will finally realize that the marriage is over, that there is nothing you can do or say to change that. You will become more willing to forgive the faults of your ex spouse and take responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the marriage. You will begin to feel a sense of liberation and some hope for the future.

Acceptance
The obsessive thoughts have stopped, the need to heal your marriage is behind you and you begin to feel as if you can and will have a fulfilling life. Suddenly you are looking ahead and not behind you, you are making plans and following through with them.

You will open up to the idea of finding new interests. This is a period of growth where you will discover that you have strengths and talents and are able to go forward in spite of the fear you feel.

Your pain gives way to hope and you discover that there is life after divorce and the future is made brighter due to the pain you have suffered.

I like this last sentence.....a lot.

[hobo1]

In it-  Thank you for this.  I think I am somewhere between Letting Go and Acceptance.  Very true, I have not been making plans and following through, all with the hopes that she would suddenly 'wake up'.  But the more I think about it, even if she woke up, do I want a husband/wife relationship?  She still has the same disorder, the inability to open up, the passive aggressive behaviour, the keeping things inside, the inability to be grateful, to apologize, to think on her own...  these are things that were inherent to her, and I accepted.

To be honest, understanding MLC has prevented me from moving on more quickly.  It is the curse of knowing.

[in it]

Personally?
Just because I may have a better understanding? Doesn't mean I'm making myself a doormat for this kind of behavior. I've been a scapegoat long enough.

I think it's important to know where WE might be to keep ourselves going. Them..not so much

[in it]

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/men1839/Pages/Menshealthweek.aspx

[in it]

http://singleparents.about.com/od/havingfu1/a/absolutely_free_kids_activities.htm

Some of this list is for Mom's; but I found a lot of suggestions for Dad's also.

Free things you can do to make GOOD memories with your children. What ever your current situation is.