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Author Topic: Discussion Ask a Mentor 7

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Discussion Re: Ask a Mentor 7
#40: December 07, 2013, 03:21:02 PM
Question: Is there any insight as to whether the sitch is one long affair versus a series of alienators?for example, does multiple affairs mean high energy replayers?  Longer time in limbo?  That sort of stuff. Honestly, my H (at home clinging boomerang) is so secretive that I don't know what's going on with him, though patterns seem to have changed and lead me to believe he is on OW3, 4,.... Rather than being gone for a week or so and taking clothes, he seems to just stay out one or two nights a week and doesn't take anything with him.

Answered on your thread   http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4352.new#new
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« Last Edit: December 07, 2013, 11:01:08 PM by calamity »
The very purpose of our life is happiness, which is sustained by hope. We have no guarantee about the future, but we exist in the hope of something better. Hope means keeping going, thinking, ‘I can do this.’ It brings inner strength, self-confidence, the ability to do what you do honestly, truthfully and transparently.  The Dalai Lama
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Re: Ask a Mentor 7
#41: December 10, 2013, 10:19:49 AM
Are there any stats on MLCers returning home?  And if so, does it work or is there too much wreckage? Is there such a thing as a happy ending other than the LBS getting a life and moving on?

I guess I'm wondering if there is any data on the odds of surviving this with a marriage or the MLCer ever returning back to someone at least recognizable as pre-MLC
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M 49
H 36
T 16 years
M 15 years
S19 & S23 mine from previous marriage
MLC  2009 with competitive cycling obsession
BD1 ILYBINILWY & EA, July 2011
2 years emotionally checked out monster
BD2 - EA Nov 2013
Hired lawyer for D, Dec 31 2013
Signed Settlement so he would move out 1/25/14
Hi energy Replay dating, youth revival
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Re: Ask a Mentor 7
#42: December 10, 2013, 10:49:10 AM
Quote from: Donein on December 10, 2013, 10:19:49 AM
Are there any stats on MLCers returning home?  And if so, does it work or is there too much wreckage? Is there such a thing as a happy ending other than the LBS getting a life and moving on?

I guess I'm wondering if there is any data on the odds of surviving this with a marriage or the MLCer ever returning back to someone at least recognizable as pre-MLC

There is a blog article with two parts
Here is part one

http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/standing-and-divorce/hope-expectations-probability-part-i/

Part two is linked in the article and there is also a topic in the archives that I can move back here if you want to post on it.(It is linked in the article)

Here is one other blog post too.

http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/midlife-crisis-what-are-the-odds/
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« Last Edit: December 10, 2013, 10:52:32 AM by OldPilot »
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Re: Ask a Mentor 7
#43: December 10, 2013, 02:48:59 PM
Hi Donein, there is also the purple book on the front page here titled: Links to Reconciliation.  Anything is possible if you let-go first so you both can have some peace and time alone.  May take a few years but it is possible and it does happen.

Hugs for you.
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OceanLady
Me 59
H   57
S15, now S20, came home end of 6/15.
M   6/1994 (only marriage)
BD1 12/08 He told me to leave the house for no reason.  I did not leave my house or family.
BD2 3/10 he asked for a D
BD3 4/10 H filed for the D
BD4 5/10 H flew 1400 miles to see OW
BD5 6/10 he walked out w/OW in  tow
Divorce final Feb. 2013
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Re: Ask a Mentor 7
#44: December 11, 2013, 01:28:02 AM
I has a question    ;D

How do we know a mlcer is trying to reconnect when they cling on so much that it almost feels like they never truly disconnected in the 1st place?

I am finding it hard to discern touch and goes and reconnection. I am guessing that anything happening before at least the 2 year mark is to be taken as touch and goes?
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'Nothing worth having comes easy'
BD oct 1st 2012. 2 teens- 2 Dogs. Together 16 years, not married. No OW in sight. Foo issues a go-go.
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Re: Ask a Mentor 7
#45: December 11, 2013, 07:38:53 AM
Quote from: Booboo on December 11, 2013, 01:28:02 AM
I has a question    ;D

How do we know a mlcer is trying to reconnect when they cling on so much that it almost feels like they never truly disconnected in the 1st place?

I am finding it hard to discern touch and goes and reconnection. I am guessing that anything happening before at least the 2 year mark is to be taken as touch and goes?

Booboo, I am in the same boat right now  ??? It has been a 1 year since BD and I see a lot of touch n goes but no real change in H. H is definitely a clinger and I don't see how he is going to progress while he holds on so tightly to me.
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We all do damage. Character is determined by how we repair it.


BD - December 2012
OW1 confirmed - December 2012 on-and-off for 34 months and counting (still refers to her as just a 'friend')
Wants to live like roommates - November 2013
I moved out - April 2015
H is still checking the anchor
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Re: Ask a Mentor 7
#46: December 11, 2013, 07:44:39 PM
Quote from: Searching4Answers on December 11, 2013, 07:38:53 AM
Quote from: Booboo on December 11, 2013, 01:28:02 AM
I has a question    ;D

How do we know a mlcer is trying to reconnect when they cling on so much that it almost feels like they never truly disconnected in the 1st place?

I am finding it hard to discern touch and goes and reconnection. I am guessing that anything happening before at least the 2 year mark is to be taken as touch and goes?

Booboo, I am in the same boat right now  ??? It has been a 1 year since BD and I see a lot of touch n goes but no real change in H. H is definitely a clinger and I don't see how he is going to progress while he holds on so tightly to me.

Me, too! Do they have to leave at some point so that they can come back?
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The very purpose of our life is happiness, which is sustained by hope. We have no guarantee about the future, but we exist in the hope of something better. Hope means keeping going, thinking, ‘I can do this.’ It brings inner strength, self-confidence, the ability to do what you do honestly, truthfully and transparently.  The Dalai Lama
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Re: Ask a Mentor 7
#47: December 12, 2013, 12:51:44 AM
I think so, Madmax.
I am waiting for him to withdraw and do some thinky. I wish he'd get on with it because his clinging is getting out of hand. The man will not listen when I imply he should back off until he can treat me with respect.
He just doesn't know how to anymore and expects me to guide him.
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'Nothing worth having comes easy'
BD oct 1st 2012. 2 teens- 2 Dogs. Together 16 years, not married. No OW in sight. Foo issues a go-go.
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Re: Ask a Mentor 7
#48: December 14, 2013, 05:09:53 PM
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The very purpose of our life is happiness, which is sustained by hope. We have no guarantee about the future, but we exist in the hope of something better. Hope means keeping going, thinking, ‘I can do this.’ It brings inner strength, self-confidence, the ability to do what you do honestly, truthfully and transparently.  The Dalai Lama
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Re: Ask a Mentor 7
#49: December 19, 2013, 06:17:44 AM
Hello- I posted this on my thread but no one replied... Sooooooo=
 I have my first interaction with H on Sunday. I have no clue what type of attacher or his energy level is, as he's only been gone since Monday. He's been in crisis for at least 2 years, BD1 was in August. Can some of the mentors please advise on how to handle this 1st interaction?

If he cries can I hug him, or am I stoic?

I am laying boundaries, I.e. No drop-ins. If he wants to see me he has to ask and notify first.

Do I tell him I love him still? I already did, but I am Paving the Way. I am very confused on that, and I have read all the articles but I am still unclear how to approach that.

Do I keep telling him I will be here when he figures it out (I already did when he left)?

I KNOOOOOW HE IS NOT READY/MAY NEVER BE READY TO COME BACK HOME, buuuuut if he tries to just to fool himself, do I tell him no? Or let him go through it and cycle?

Thank you for any answers/advice! I am torn between wanting to see him and being so nervous that I don't want to see him.

edit = answered on her thread - OldPilot

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4396.0
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« Last Edit: December 19, 2013, 06:33:35 AM by OldPilot »
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