[Albatross]

You have good explanation by RCR HERE.

[I reckon so]

Albatross,

If a person in MLC hates his persona and tries to kill it because they realize it doesn't work for them any more it would seem like they would be nothing like they were before MLC. I read in the articles that many are much like they were before entering MLC. Why do you think MLC makes them kill their persona and then end up using much of it again? Or do they not have a persona after MLC and just an ego? I think I'm confused.

[31andcounting]

I reckon so ~ I am not sure, but my H said early on " I don't want to be this way anymore"also "I think what is wrong with us "is me"?!......now he does not remember saying this at all BUT I do.  He was in the midst of crisis but until I found this site I did not know it
31andcounting

[I reckon so]

31andcounting,  I too see that my w was in crisis long before bomb drop. She began writing poetry and writing regularly on her blog. One of the things that stood out the most to me was this kind of morbid poem, I guess it was a poem, about God and pruning. I don't know if it was hers or someone else wrote it and she posted it. The title was something like, "maybe pruning is to kind of a word." She said maybe 1-2 years before bomb drop she felt like she was dying. After bomb drop when she was monster she said when she told me she felt like she was dying that I ignored her. She told a friend of hers when she had to shut down a part of her small business, even though I knew how hard it was for her, I just laughed. I promise you, I have not laughed much at all this year and that certainly wasn't something that I did. I have wondered if I am crazy or like Hillary Clinton, just misremembering events. . Any way, I wonder what in the world happened to my wife and will she come back, and if so, what will be be like when she kills something that I thought was pretty awesome. 

[Albatross]

Albatross,

If a person in MLC hates his persona and tries to kill it because they realize it doesn't work for them any more it would seem like they would be nothing like they were before MLC. I read in the articles that many are much like they were before entering MLC. Why do you think MLC makes them kill their persona and then end up using much of it again? Or do they not have a persona after MLC and just an ego? I think I'm confused.

MLCer don't hate own persona, it was metaphoric. He is only aware that his persona does not work anymore. Also merger with shadow brings him other side of self and he actually dissolve persona and he wear it as mask. It is some how dieing part of his ego. That persona later will be modified in reintegration phase.

[twilightzone]

A person in final transition (to maturity) is ultimately successful in merging who they believe they are with the mores of society.  People in crisis cannot do this for a variety of reasons but, hopefully, in the end (2-7 years theoretically), they too can successfully make the transition.  Transition, by definition, means changing into something different than before.  Some people retain more of their original self than others, but, for the most part, the new person should be just a better version of the original.

[31andcounting]

I do see that my H is "being a much better version of himself"  right now at least....he is.  If I only knew for sure it would last??  I mean he has gone through sooo many of the "steps" per se.....it is just that underlying "doubt"  I have.  he is his original self, my kids say it, most family members say it..... he has not been himself for years.  So I am working on myself and yes, my doubt and just letting him finish his journey
31andcounting

[Albatross]

“Once we have perceived the contrasexual element in ourselves and raised it to consciousness, we have ourselves, our emotions, and affects reasonably well in hand.  Above all we have achieved a real independence and with it, to be sure, a certain isolation.  In a sense we are alone, for our ‘inward freedom’ means that a love relations can no longer fetter us; the other sex has lost its magic power over us, for we have come to know its essential traits in the depths of our own psyche.  We shall not easily ‘fall in love’, for we can no longer lose ourselves in someone else, but we shall be capable of a deeper love, a conscious devotion to the other. For our aloneness does not alienate us from the world, but only places us at a proper distance from it.  By anchoring us more firmly in our own nature it even enables us to give ourselves more unreservedly to another human being, because our individuality is no longer endangered.  To be sure, it usually takes half a lifetime to arrive at this stage.  Probably no one can do so without a struggle.  It also takes a full measure of experience, not to mention disappointment.”

- JACOBI

[crazyjourney]

Hi Albatross

I am reading along with interest, sometimes I read your thread here several times until it sinks in but just to let you know it is so interesting.

For some strange reason I think my h might be at the part where his persona just dissolved, well you never know, please keep the information coming though it is great.

Thanks x

[Searching4Answers]

A person in final transition (to maturity) is ultimately successful in merging who they believe they are with the mores of society.  People in crisis cannot do this for a variety of reasons but, hopefully, in the end (2-7 years theoretically), they too can successfully make the transition.  Transition, by definition, means changing into something different than before.  Some people retain more of their original self than others, but, for the most part, the new person should be just a better version of the original.

I really hope that is the case  I worry that he will become a better version and he won't want me  I think my H has been at this for a lot longer than I can pinpoint; probably a good  2.5 - 3 years before BD.

I know that my H is still in replay or at least escape & avoid; no OW that I can at the moment but what do I know, he doesn't share anything and I don't ask. Such a sad commentary after 16 years. If he has found another OW it is an EA not a PA currently. In some ways I wish he would find one maybe it would help push him through the tunnel some more 

He has been a lot nicer lately except when he starts talking about how I am going to want to date (it is annoying); having dinner on the table, taking care of chores on his own; it is like he is improving but at the same time saying 'here is what you want but you can't have it'. His body language is still very distancing, it actually speaks volumes. He is conscientiously controlling his physical contact with me.   

I just don't know what to think about the things that I am seeing