[in it]

http://www.afterdivorceadvice.com/blog-category/self-esteem-after-divorce-4-ways-to-boost-your-self-confidence/

For those who are divorced  ((((HUGS))))

[barbiedoll]

I have deeply struggled with this . When I 1st came on Heros Spouse and was told "work on yourself " I was extremely lost and frustrated . I even tried to google , "direction or step by step ways to do this . (lol) . I had no clue what that meant . Period. I read self help books on every subject that may pertain to "getting to know yourself , Self esteem online courses , stories from other women who "found themselves etc etc > I am a very black and white thinker and I wanted directions , step by step, to "work on me ". I could not figure this concept out no matter what I tried. I cried about it .. feeling again .. stupid and inferior ". I have been a mom since I left my fathers home at 18 . I am now 56 with the last of 5 daughters still at home . ME ? Who is that ? And I was supposed to look for ME in the middle of this deep pain and fear and betrayal. ? Impossible instructions and I was not able to truly do this "work". I have a friend ( sister actually ) going thru this ,, and she says " what exactly does that mean ?. She says "word it differently and tell me again ". I struggle with this still but believe I have experienced some true understanding , deeper understanding , of who I am . I think newbies struggle with this in the midst of such devastation . Can we talk about this ?. What does it truly mean... "do your own work on YOU " and how each of your came to understand the meaning and achieved this in your life . And what difference it made in your understanding things differently . I thank you .

[CallanG]

Hi Barbie

I think it is a very personal thing so we will each do it in a different way and some will not do it at all . It also comes with time , at BD I remember thinking why do I need to work on myself it is him that had the affair and that feeling stayed with me for a while and so did the anger and the hurt and the buzzing feeling in my head .

In the end I could not carry on feeling like that so after many efforts I found myself a IC and thought this is my life at the moment and I need to carry on living it so I will fix me , that is not to say that I did not still try to fix H but most of all I needed to fix me . I new that I needed to do that to move forward , I did not want to be a victim or be defined by what had happened .

I read many books and some helped and some did not , I had a very good counselor who let me talk about myself and H and I started to realize things about myself that I never knew . I realized my strengths and my weaknesses . I took one step forward and two steps back , I allowed myself to be angry , happy , sad or any emotion that I felt I needed to experience . I realised that H and I are not that different in our backgrounds so it could well have been me that had a crisis , it could have been me that hurt the people I love . Working through that allowed me to let go of anger and not to take what has happened personally .

I suppose my version about doing the work on me was learning to accept that I have good and bad points but at the end of the day I am me and what H is doing at the moment is nothing to do with me it is all to do with him . Doing the work on Me was hard and sometimes very painful as I went through my own FOO issues and came to realise that I had married a version of my Father .

Working on yourself can really only be done when we are ready to do it , I see a lot of people on here that are not ready or may never be ready to do that and that is okay because we are all different . Some people do not want to work on themselves because they are afraid , I only have to look at my Father to see that even if I was afraid I had to do it . My Father has never worked on himself , he remains bitter and alone and can continues to project his shadow side on to the rest of the world . I knew for sure that I did not want to live like that . 

I have just started reading a book called "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" . It is about accepting our own shadow and the parts of us that we may wish to hide . I feel like finding this book now is the next stage of my journey .


Callan

[Hmmm]

Ditto for me and my father. He's still buying vehicles to try to find peace. Just got a new canal boat!

I did a yoga and mindfulness course and although I don't really practise it, it helped me recognise anxiety and how I self medicate. I also read co-dependent no more and realised I try to fix problems that aren't my own and rarely just live in the moment.

I'm still working on myself-I often feel I don't know how to fill my time except with work, kids or chores (and can't go to see bands or comedy every night-much as I'd like to!)

I need to learn to enjoy solitude. This is my next goal-maybe even to camp or go away on my own

You're doing great Barbiegirl. The fact that you're trying to verbalise and analyse your triggers is a really big step
Xxx

[Airmid]

Here is what "work on yourself meant to me"

1) Fact: I was very depressed. Working on myself meant finding a IC and working on the grief.

2) Fact: My financial situation was in tatters. Working on myself meant getting all expenses on a spreadsheet, setting a budget.  Stopping the financial hemorrhaging.

3) Fact: My marriage had isolated me as my whole world was my H.  After I got myself up off the floor and out of my pool of tears - I started looking for activities (fun) to do and people to do it with.

4) Fact: I physically looked like hell with all the stress and lack of sleep.  Working on myself meant getting cloths that fit (80 pounds of weight loss due to grief), keeping my hair, make-up etc looking good.

5) I was insecure as to how to get things accomplished.  I developed resource lists of people I could reach out to when I needed assistance.

Work on yourself so that you are a whole person - independent and strong.
(Independence is strength - in or out of a relationship)

[barbiedoll]

I am liking theses answers ... it helps me . I seem to have a "block" or just an utter emotional exhaustion , that looking inside requires so much effort . I am so tired . But I have had some realizations with the help of therapist .. so I have my feet on the right path . I am encouraged by your sharing your thoughts ...

[OffRoad]

What this means to me:
Doing what I want to do instead of always compromising for everyone else's comfort.
Allowing myself to feel what I feel. No one gets to tell me I'm wrong for feeling that way.
Learning to ask or tell someone what I want, instead of not doing so for fear of being rejected.
Learning that a "No" to a request is not a rejection of me. It's a rejection of the request.
Learning I don't have to fix everything.
Learning that I deserve to do things that make me content.
Knowing that my happiness is not dependent on anyone else.
Learning that I want people in my life I can depend on to do the best they can by me, even as I would do so for them. Loyalty, as it were.
I get to make my own rules and timelines.
I get to repair things on my own schedule, not have to wait for a time that never comes.
I am in control of me and my life.
I don't have to do everything.
I don't have to do it NOW.
I like to drive off road. And I can find other people who want to do it with me, even if my family and friends do not.

I've gone back to the confident, capable person I was before this relationship. That got lost somewhere, slowly and insidiously.
What do I like? What do I want? What makes me happy? If I can't get what I want from here, can I get it from there? Who can help me? Who will help me? Who wants my help? Do I want to give it? How will I get what I want? Do I really want what I think I want? Or is that the media or society telling me I want that?

If I knew 20 years ago, what I know now, what would I change? Can I still change it? Then I start looking for a way to do that. Now.

[calamity]

Good for you BD for bringing this up.  I had no idea what people were talking about 'work on yourself' at first.  HE had the problem.  Not me.  Well that was true but...
2 sources woke me up to this:  The Choose Joy section of the articles and Anderson's book [under my signature].  My counselor referred me to the concept of mindfulness, being in the moment.

I will begin to define what I think we means:

-work on being independent.  Take responsibility for your life i.e. from getting repairs done, to buying cars to enjoying lectures or films or books.
                         
Alone.

In very short form:  if you're not okay alone, you're not okay with someone.  So get okay.

That being said I still think we have to work through the stage of 'wtf happened'?   What is wrong with my h or w? 

And how much time do these things take?  That is totally individual.

[Finding Hope]

Barbiedoll,

Looking at yourself in the mirror is hard and realizing that no one is perfect. We all bring some kind of baggage with us. I looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw. If it wasn't for Mr. FH losing his mind and forcing me to look at myself, I wouldn't have made the changes I did.

Working on myself to me was facing my demons. I made a list of the things that "I" didn't like about me. When I was writing it, I was stunned at what was on my list. 26 items. After reading what I wrote, I realized some of what I didn't like, Mr. FH didn't either.
 I needed to be just FH, that had never happened. As independent as I thought that I was, truth is, I wasn't. So, my mission after knowing in my heart that nothing I did or didn't do was going to change a damn thing about my marriage, was to be a better me. A better wife and mother too.

I took that list and worked on one thing at a time. I too did self-help books. Did lots and lots of on line workshops that my counselor told me about. I stopped focusing on what he was doing, because for the first time in my life, I was more important.

I learn to take care of my own car. Learned how to speak to someone, and not at them. I wanted to be the calm person that could rationally get myself through any situation without reacting actually over reacting. 

I didn't want to be that controlling person. I didn't want to be that person that was controlled by OCD. Working on myself became my mission. I now hold my tongue, think before I speak. I hurt a lot of people with the truth, wielded it like a sword. I don't have to fix everything and everyone. I had to learn to let the people that I care about learn life's lesson without offering my opinion unless I'm asked.

Learning to love me. Being able to relate to my family without them feeling that I'm attacking them, with my overbearing personality. I worked on becoming softer (sometimes I think overboard on that one ).

Learning that my happiness is my responsibility and not my husband. I realized what a burden I put on him with that one. And that I'm not responsible for others happiness, A big burden I put on myself.

To relax and never be too busy to notice the small things in life. Calamity is sooooooooo right, if your not okay with who you are, your not OK with someone else.
I worked on finding balance in my life.

The only one that should be responsible for me, is me. It's an awful burden to put that on someone else. I'm still learning.

Offroad said, No one gets to tell me I'm wrong for feeling a certain way, that was me. I learned not to do that.

Bottom line is, did we cause this, nope. Could we have better spouses? I know that I could. I once thought that I didn't deserve being with Mr. FH now, I wonder if he deserves me. I'm totally fantastic 

FH

[Thundarr]

Great answers from all, but put simply "work on yourself" simply means "don't focus on your MLCer."  Simple, yet profound.