[LisaLives]

I struggled with this, also, and still do.  I had spent 15 years "working on me" and my demons.  I had plenty.  But, what I was truly never able to do in my M was give myself credit and allow myself to FINALLY "be enough." 

So for anyone here who is not a narc, but may have been married to one, this is vital.  You may be in my shoes.  And I'll recount my turning point story.  I took a FWB six months after BD.  He will be one of my best friends forever, but because he has too many demons, it could never work for us as an R.  I was at an event and ran into a woman I knew.  We spent three hours trying to remember.  She finally remembered that she met me at a party ten years before.  So, I came home to FWB and told him that this woman was "crazy" because she remembered me from a party 10 years ago...  And he (who was COOKING ME DINNER, this is important, no man had ever cooled me dinner before him) turned around from the stove, looked at me and said "Lisa, when are you going to get over yourself?" in an almost angry tone.  He then explained that rather than allow myself to know that I am an awesome person with lots of memorable traits, I would choose to discount another human being, by calling them "crazy" for remembering me.  And I realized my lack of self esteem was really sucky... 

And the most important part--getting over your MLCer.  Truly, even if you choose to stand, you have to know that you can get along without them.  You will need to for quite some time, and you need to know that you have everything you need, financially, emotionally, and practically to truly live a fantastic life without them.  Allow yourself ONE year to mourn and cry and be ridiculous and then get on with life.  Do what you have to do to truly be happy because no person's happiness should depend on ONE OTHER PERSON.  That was the problem with most MLCers--we couldn't provide them the happiness they needed so they moved on to someone who could...  I now have a fabulous life AND a fabulous partner, but if he chooses to leave, also, I still have everything I need to be happy.  Love and light, ll

[in it]

That's all it did for me anyway.

I kept dealing with him (when I went back to living with him as an ex) which and kept me in pain and mourning.

 After I finally ended it due to his physical violence. I mourned the loss of a whole lot of other things.  Family mostly - and the relationship I thought I had with my own children. Cried until I thought I'd dehydrate.

 I still work on freeing myself from his abuse at every level. I am quite content with the life I live now. No drama, peaceful, no one playing games.

Happiness comes in glimpse's sometimes. It's been 2 years 2 months of NC.

[Songanddance]

Initially working on me to me meant finding ways to deal with the pain. I had never experienced such pain, such anguish so how did I do it?

I knew right after BD that H was the one with the problem and that he was the one who chose to do what he did. I couldn't believe that I had made him do this through my actions alone.
That's the irony - it makes little difference what you did or do if they're going into MLC - they're going into MLC.

However once you have got over the big "look at me H I'm changing just for you" mode - there is a realisation that changes, no matter how tiny, are essential for growth and not your marriage.

5 months in I found my therapist. What a find she was. Within 15 minutes she diagnosed me with PTSD, low self esteem and stated that I needed to do an NLP course to change my language and my thinking.  How right she was.

Working on me then became addressing past issues that I had dealt with but in a poor self programming way. She reverted that programming and helped me see that I was taking on board too much of other people's problems and trying to fix them because I could.

My Ds told me that I was too controlling and gave me help there by giving me a little word to focus on every time I moved into control mode. 

It took time but I have learned the following:
Not to try to help, find or fix things for anyone - just point them in the direction and step back
Applying the rule of 3 and not reacting
Not seeking advice from anyone who would listen or rather hear just to validate my own experience
Shutting up in a conversation and just listening
Really seeing the good in others rather than needing to have it proved to me
Being ok on my own (sometimes I am lonely however)
Making choices and decisions just for me
Wearing dresses and skirts again


None of the above are big changes - but they are enough for the moment.
I am still working on me when it suits me and perhaps not to the depth that some of the LBSs on here.  I have read books but cannot go into pyschological depth - it just isn't me. And that's it - I recognise me now.
 I like me and what's more is that  I now have the respect and friendship of more people than I did before BD.   



 

[crazyjourney]

Hi

I read this thread when it first popped up but it has taken me a little while to think about how I would explain it.

For me it is about being comfortable on my own in my own skin without anybody else sharing it with me,

It takes a long time to get used to being singular after being a couple for all those years, you no longest have anyone else to rely on for even the smallest of things, no one to turn to with a problem or share a nicer moment with.

If I had got involved with another person before I find me, then I would be back where I started, I really needed to become one before I can think about becoming a couple again.

I can see how I left my parents home, dependant upon them and my h took over where they left off, I needed to be able to stand on my own two feet without any help.

Sure I thought I was independent, but on some level I wasnt, its hard to put your finger on it because it isnt about everyday being able to do things, its in your mind and you cant always see that, its about not actually needing someone but having that person as added bonus.

I actually feel a bit frustrated trying to get it down in words because it is more of a feeling rather than a doing.

I have noticed I prefer to spend time alone with my thoughts rather than keeping busy to ignore them, sure keeping busy at times helps but sometimes I have needed time to face up to everything, I know I can bury just about anything down and I do seem at times to do just that but this mlc has made me face things I didnt want to deal with, things in the past my h would of sorted out and I would of went on totally unfazed and worryless.

Not really the best of dynamics, he was walking around with our world on his shoulders whilst I was free as a bird from worry or stress.

I wont however take all the blame for this as he had taken on this role from day one, I was up on his pedestal and he was caring for me.

What will happen next who knows, I am headed for divorce now, his choice but maybe I am ready for that now too, ready for my new life with or without him perhaps, I dont know for sure so maybe I am not there just yet.

x

[LisaLives]

cj, it is hard to explain, and it's hard to boil down into steps or actionable items, goals or even a vision...  It is simply becoming one, separate and apart from your spouse.  And it's different things for different people, but it is learning to depend on yourself, and knowing you can do it.  The biggest one for me was financial independence, and it scared the s#$% out of me.  I gave up my career, for him, but starting over at 45 with no pension history, no real work history, added to having to close the business I worked so hard to start that was JUST reaching profitability...  WHEW, but this month, I will close on my new condo--I hate being a homeowner, always have, but did it for him and my kids--and I will have just one debt, my mortgage, and not a huge one, either, and I should be able to live and work the 15 years I need to pay it off... 

But the biggest psychological thing is the small moments, not having anyone to share the setbacks and the challenges, and knowing no one REALLY has your back, like if you get sick, or hurt.  And that's why making friends and having a good safety net is the MOST important thing we can do.  And even now, with a new partner, he is still not always my first call, depending on the situation, I have gfs or family members, or even my old FWB that I sometimes call first, and that's a good thing.  cj, you may not be "ready" but you are prepared to face whatever comes next, that's the important thing--you can do it, that's what doing your own work bought you!  Love and light, ll

[StillStanding]

Can we talk about this ?. What does it truly mean... "do your own work on YOU " and how each of your came to understand the meaning and achieved this in your life . And what difference it made in your understanding things differently . I thank you .

As I'm sure you've figured out by now, there is no step by step process. Human beings aren't machines. We don't break in predictable ways; what might be a devastating loss to one person might be minor to another.

The first thing you have to work on for yourself is realizing that what your husband has done has hurt you deeply. I'm not familiar with your specific situation but if you're here, I assume you got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech, or he told you that he felt trapped and needed to escape or find himself. Maybe he told you he found someone else, or maybe you discovered he was having an affair on your own. So your world has been turned upside-down and you're struggling to cope with the shock. That all takes time; you can't be expected to get over it, and certainly not in your husband's timeframe, or your friends' or family's timeframe. But you do have to heal eventually, if you want to work on the rest of it.

Another thing you have to decide: do you want to restore your marriage? Many people have "dealbreakers" or boundaries that can't be restored once crossed, whether it's because of culture, or religious belief, or having lived through with past betrayal. This also means figuring out what to tell your friends and family if you choose to Stand. They may love you and support you, but they don't want to see you hurt and in many cases, they'll tell you to kick his lying, cheating ass to the curb and move on.

If you do want to restore your marriage, can you figure out how to cope with your husband's Replay behavior? Because if he is suffering through a midlife crisis, then this isn't going to end any time soon—you could be looking at years as he works through his issues. If you want to restore your marriage, you need to practice developing detachment; don't make what he is doing personal, and don't let him push your buttons if he goes into Monster mode at you. It's completely fair to tell him "I need space to figure things out; until you decide what you want, I'm won't be in touch."

You should also consider the likelihood that he will file for divorce (if he hasn't already; I'm sorry, but as I said I'm not familiar with your story) and how you will deal with that. Even if he does file and is ordered to pay alimony or child support for your youngest, he may resist doing so. If you've been a stay-at-home mom, this means figuring out how you are going to support yourself. It might even come down to filing for divorce yourself, to try to protect your assets so that he can't blow all of your money "finding himself".

And last (but not least, by far) you need to find yourself. You are more than just a wife and a mother. Somewhere in there you have interests and desires, even if you've been setting them aside for the sake of your husband or your children for as long as you can remember. If you can afford it, I would strongly suggest talking to a counselor.

One expectedly nice thing about finding yourself separated is that it gives you a chance to do things you'd never get to do otherwise because your spouse or your kids aren't interested. Start small! Try going out to dinner at a restaurant that you've always wanted to check out. Go catch that a movie that your H would turn his nose up at. Spend time with old friends you've lost touch with.

[ArmySpouse]

   So I'm trying to figure out this mirror work and what it's all about ..

 Do you really literally sit in front of a mirror and looking at yourself ?

 If so where do you go from then -what do you need to think ?
what do you need to do? what is the stuff that you have to work on yourself ?

 How do you do all this ?

[Searching4Answers]

Mirror work is about taking a look at yourself and figuring out who you are. As you figure out who you are you may see things that about yourself that you like and don't like. If you don't like something work on changing it if it bothers you. Not everyone is going to need to change.

A lot of my mirror work has brought to the surface things from my childhood - we all have FOO issues. The biggest thing for me is seeing myself as valuable and treating myself as such. I don't show myself enough respect There are many other smaller issues that I have identified but this is the one that I need to work on right now. I think that if I can learn how to respect myself more that other issues will present themselves and then I will work on those too.

Another way that I looked at myself was through my reactions. For example, while I still lived with my exH he would pack a bag every weekend and go to OW's When he first started doing this I would rage - rightfully so but eventually I was able to step back and look at why I was raging. While I was I raging I couldn't think clearly, I was controlled by my emotions. I finally realized that I was feeling abandoned every weekend but there was a lot of surface emotions that I had to wade through to get to the root of the rage. 

Mirror work, in my opinion, is a life long process. We need to check-in with ourselves regularly to see if we are happy with where we are in life and adjust ourselves along the journey. We need to be aware of our issues so that they don't control us. Doesn't necessarily mean that we need to change but if you aren't aware of something then how can you be aware of how it is affecting you and those around you.

This is what the MLCer doesn't want to do but must if they are ever going to become whole again.

[calamity]

Hi,

For me mirror work began when my counselor said, 'why would you want someone who doesn't want you?'     

We are dragged, kicking and screaming to 'work on ourselves'--the lbs has to cope with abandonment etc--you develop your character [not sure if that's the correct word] by how you handle adversity...& this certainly is adversity.  Anyway, whether you know it or not, once your attention turns to the coping & away from your spouse's issues, you are working on yourself.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus.html

[Picton]

Mirror work for me basically is two things - self awareness and reflection.

I got to a point where I felt so out of control of my life. I felt that my XP contrôlée every aspect of my life. I struggled with this because when I had a long hard look at myself I realise that in the past I micro managed and control everything and everyone in my immediate family.
Once I understood and accepted this about myself I was able to start to make some changes. In the beginning I needed to reflect regularly to make sure I wasn't  slipping back into old habits. If I did slip back into my old ways I wouldn't spend hours betting myself up about it - just acknowledged it and move on.

The only person you are accountable with Mirror Works is you. But if you set small goals and work on those you will find it isn't as difficult as it may at first sound.

Acknowledge and celebrate your success - always check back on how far you have come. It is hard work but well worth it.