[calamity]

One of my issues was control.  I was a control freak.  What I have discovered is that control is about fear.  One tries to control one's environment to make it safe & of course that is impossible.  This crisis throws this up because we have no control over what our spouses do--that's detachment I think & learning it has helped me with my relationships at home & at work. 

I wish the lessons had come without such a high price tag.

[Searching4Answers]

I wish the lessons had come without such a high price tag.

Agreed!

[ArmySpouse]

 oh my gosh control is a huge huge factor in this whole thing !!!

 I'm not sure if he called controlling the situation I'm in but I guess I could be controlling as well because for the last five years I had to do things a certain way because of my husband being gone all the time (of his army job , deployment etc) .. and so maybe when he came back it was hard for me to give up the control I had over the household how things were running and just give him part of his job back ??  I wasn't controlling to the point where I needed to have things a certain way but I guess if he didn't do it my way I sometimes wasn't 100% happy ..??    but micromanagement is certainly something that I can call myself guilty as well because of all the moves and all the stuff that has come up with the military I really have become an expert in organizing stuff that is a good thing but also I agree I'm probably not the one who gives away that stuff easily and let him deal with it because I'm worried ..

 controlling on his side has always been the money he always was worried about where money was going how much I was spending and question me and sometimes I felt like a little child having to justify every little thing I spend because he was the one managing the accounts and moving money around ..  And this has gotten worse since he is in the crisis..

 So I guess we were both controlling on different subjects and that just Came up now..

 You guys are amazing and helping me think about stuff that I haven't even thought about yet !!

I was never really in fear of him abandoning me because of all the deployments he had to go and do those things and I was strong in the background holding everything together ,never telling him not to go ..
I was never really in fear of him abandoning me because of all the deployments he had to go and do those things and I was strong in the background holding everything together never telling him not to go  because it was for his career and I knew how much that meant to him I just want to be strong .

 Don't get me wrong that does not mean that I didn't cry in front of him and told him I didn't want him to leave because I'm sad that he would go and I would not see him for 12 months I did that for sure !!  but I never felt abandoned I knew it was also for my good and my growth .

 But I guess I do have half the micromanaging controlling issues if I think about it because with all the moving and packing and organizing stuff I got that down to a T and I'm really good at it so I think I didn't want to give that "power" away ?? Hm..  So there are other things I guess that he did and we just did controlling in different aspectS..

[Wildfire]

Mirror work, in my opinion, is a life long process. We need to check-in with ourselves regularly to see if we are happy with where we are in life and adjust ourselves along the journey. We need to be aware of our issues so that they don't control us. Doesn't necessarily mean that we need to change but if you aren't aware of something then how can you be aware of how it is affecting you and those around you.

This is what the MLCer doesn't want to do but must if they are ever going to become whole again.

Well said, Searching. I could not agree more.

This gift of understanding myself (who I am, why I do what I do, what makes me tick, etc.) came after digging deeper and deeper into myself, which led me to wounds from my childhood and FOO. For example, control is/was an issue for me, too. I learned it came from growing up in such a chaotic home environment. Growing up, I never knew when the next shoe would drop or when the next shoe would be thrown, for that matter! Control was a way for me to self-soothe. It's why I had the neatest, cleanest room as a child. I didn't have control over my parents but I had control over my room and I could make that environment chaos-free by keeping it neat and clean. However, as an adult, control used as a self-soothing and coping mechanism is not such a great thing. That's been a tough lesson for me to learn.

To me it was important to understand myself so I can have a better relationship with myself and others. For a long time I have heard that he can not love others well until we first learn to love ourselves well. It was a statement that registered with me intellectually, but I didn't understand it as an emotional level until the past year when I have really come to accept and love myself---not in a narcissistic way but in a healthy way.


I have found the following excerpt from the book, Days of Healing, Days of Joy, to be very helpful and true. The book is for adult children of alcoholics, but really applies to anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family.

"Nearly all of us adult children have been advised, either personally or in our reading, to do some thinking about our family history. At first, we may hesitate or even stop right there. What’s the point, after all? We remember how it was. What good will it do to carry on about it now? In spite of everything, many of us have intense loyalty to our parents. Why open up old wounds? The past is gone. Why rock the boat?

But family of origin work is not about them, it’s about us. The point is that we think about the past to better understand who we are, why we act the way we do, and where our feelings come from.

Sorting through old events has just one purpose—to help us come away with insight into who we are and where we are."

[Searching4Answers]

But family of origin work is not about them, it’s about us. The point is that we think about the past to better understand who we are, why we act the way we do, and where our feelings come from.

Exactly!

Growing up I wasn't allowed to have 'feelings' - I had to bury them in order to protect myself. My parents were not in touch with their feelings so I wasn't in touch with mine I thought that I had a safe place to express myself with my exH but slowly that relationship became very similar to my childhood

Basically, we repeat what we don't understand. Learning about yourself gives you the option to change if you want to.

[Searching4Answers]

As to the MLC and mirror work - I do not see my exH ever doing the work that is needed. I do not ever see us as a couple again (or friends for that matter) because my exH tried to stop me from doing my mirror work He told that if I went to a therapist that we were done! I think that he knew if I searched my soul that he would lose control of me forever - which is pretty much what happened.

[in it]

Lots of really good points and insights in these posts. I agree in part or in whole with a lot of it.
Due to FOO: I never really felt cared about as a child and I confused controlling with caring as a young adult in male relationships.

I didn't feel safe expressing my feelings either. Alcoholism due to my mother changed my reality.

 If I asked what happened the next morning after a huge drunken fight I'd over hear as a child (as it would wake me up from a sound sleep..my legs stiff with fear) the reply would be :

"Nothing"

You soon learned to not even ask.

The one phrase that helped me was:

I wasn't put on the planet to fit into someone else's issues.

I have enough of my own after this. Trust being the biggest one.

The ex and my mother have something in common..they think if I go to therapy ( which both of them need) somehow they might get better?

I did (at one point in time) feel protected by the ex. But he turned into my abuser without me even realizing it.

 In some cases it was my fault as I gave him too much control over what I did, where I was, who I talked to etc. That's not happening again.

Post divorce and when I returned:

I had no idea it was all about money and control for him. There will be no "friends" after what's happened either. He has no idea what that is.

[ArmySpouse]

 so let's see that one of the issues I have is I was bullied and eighth grade ..  however I could never deal with it because I had to repeat eighth-grade due to being sick and having surgeries so the next eighth grade was actually awesome and I never had issues again in my life being bullied ..

 Meeting I didn't need therapy or anything like that .

 so my question now is if I know that something like this needs to be dealt with because my husband is bugging me right now and I'm already standing up for myself talking and letting him not do this anymore -  what or how on the kind of Mirror work I could do it or address it ?? To get it fixed..

 And how do I find out all the other issues that I possibly could have ??
for example  :The controlling issue ...
how could I fix that within myself ??or what is the thought process to address it and working on it..
again I just would like to know how I fix something inside or how do I know that it is fixed ?? Kind of how to answer..

[Mitzpah]

  So I'm trying to figure out this mirror work and what it's all about ..

 Do you really literally sit in front of a mirror and looking at yourself ?

 If so where do you go from then -what do you need to think ?
what do you need to do? what is the stuff that you have to work on yourself ?

 How do you do all this ?

ArmySpouse,

 

I had the very same question in the beginning. In fact, I don't even know that I can give a comprehensible answer!

I have learnt that I was fearful of many things and some of these things affected my marriage. In these past almost five years, I have had to face/recognize all of the fears head on and learn that fear must not control me. You see, I like a calm life in general and often I did not face issues just because I didn't want to rock the boat, ruffle the water. I was conflict avoidant to the extreme, I still don't look for conflict but I do know not to stuff everything down anymore .

I had a very happy and stable childhood (different from my h.), so it is not as if I need to delve in any dark recess to pull out lurking ghosts. My pain at being abandoned has a very clear reason and I have forgiven my h. for that. Of course, the pain still reappears every now and again - I don't think one gets over this very easily, regardless

So, yes, I guess it is what Picton says:

Mirror work for me basically is two things - self awareness and reflection.

[Picton]

Hi AS

For me the control and micromanaging was huge. After BD I tried for a number of months to continue to schedule every minute of my day. But all it took was a text, a visit or an email from X to throw my whole schedule out the window. I hit rock bottom and knew that something needed to change. I decided at that point that I would allow the Universe/ Higher Power (I am not a Religious but can totally understand why people are) to look after my life for a while. What was the worse that could happen - my XP have an affair and up and leave me and the kids.
It took a few weeks for me to really let go (hard to break the habit of a life time) but the change has been amazing, I don't think I have been so happy for a long time. By leaving days where I had nothing planned meant that when I woke up in the morning I was free to do whatever I felt like. (Lived in the present) I also found that I had a lot more opportunities to do things that I have never done before.
If this all sounds a bit kooky and not something that would work for you pop over to Stayed's thread - she used a rubber band on her wrist and would flick it. It has been a while since I read it, so I am a little under clear on all the details. But may work if you trying to change how you think and deal with certain things.

Keep detaching - that is a big part of the process. Just remember detaching can be a bit of a process.
How will you know you are "fixed" (don't know if we ever are 100%) Take time to reflex on how far you have come. Enjoy the small things. Make sure you feel proud of your accomplishments, no matter how big or small they are.
Be kind to yourself.

When people started to comment on how happy I looked and how at peace I felt was when I knew my life was on the right track.
I know it all feels overwhelming at times but you have taken the first step - acknowledged things need to change. The hard work begins but I promise you it is well worth it.

Kia kaha - stay strong