[in it]

I agree and the kindest thing we can do for ourselves ( and them too)  is to stay away from them. Get out of the way.

 Find out what our issues are and why do we think we cannot live and be happy even joyful again without them.

You cannot feel guilty for removing yourself from toxic peoples lives. They'll manage just fine.

Until they can have some compassion for someone else? Why would you want anything to do with them.

You gotta love yourself more than to go through the pain of all of this. Work on repairing the damage that was done to you. Protect yourself.

IMHO NC is vital to healing. And Peace.

[in it]

Louise Hay:

How do we love others? Accept them as they are. Allow them to be themselves. Stop trying to change them. Let them take care of their own growth processes. We can’t learn for another.

If their behavior is detrimental to us, then we may choose not to be in their presence—and that is fine. We must love ourselves enough not to be brought down by self-destructive people. If we have many negative people in our lives, then we can look to see what pattern there is in us that attracts these people to us.

When we change, we drop our pattern and we become different, the others will also change in the way they relate to our new personalities, or they will leave our lives so that new people who will appreciate us are then able to enter.

 Whichever way it happens, it is always a positive move for us when we love and accept ourselves.

Another powerful tool for healing all relationships—family, work, casual, or intimate—is “blessing with love.”

 When someone is doing something to disrupt the harmony of your life, bless them with love. You can do it several ways.

You can say, “I bless you with love, and I bring harmony to this situation,” or “I bless you with love, and ‘I’ release you and let you go,” or “I release you to your highest good.”

When we do this consistently, something happens on the unseen side of life, and the situation changes for the better. I have seen this process heal relationships of every type.

Bosses have become pleasant, families express love, difficult people leave, intimate relationships become honest. Those of us who have practiced this blessing with love are delighted with the results.

Let’s affirm: I open my heart to more love every day.

[in it]

From Psychology Today:

Self-esteem is affected by physical ill-health, negative life events such as losing your job or getting divorced, deficient or frustrating relationships, and a general sense of lack of control. This sense of lack of control is often particularly marked in people who are the victims of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, or of discrimination on the grounds of religion, culture, race, sex, or sexual orientation.

Sometimes poor self-esteem can be deeply rooted and have its origins in traumatic childhood experiences such as prolonged separation from parent figures, neglect, or emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. If you think this is a particular problem for you, speak to a mental healthcare professional. Therapy or counselling may enable you to talk about such experiences and to try to come to terms with them. Unfortunately, therapy or counselling may be difficult to obtain, and may not be suitable for everyone.

Low self-esteem can predispose you to developing a mental disorder, and developing a mental disorder can in turn deliver a huge knock to your self-esteem. In some cases, low self-esteem is in itself a cardinal feature of mental disorder, for example, in depression or in borderline personality disorder. The relationship between low self-esteem and mental disorder is complex, and a person with a mental disorder is more likely than most to suffer from long-term low self-esteem. 

People with long-term low self-esteem generally see the world as a hostile place and themselves as its victim. As a result, they feel reluctant to express and assert themselves, miss out on experiences and opportunities, and feel helpless about changing things. All this merely lowers their self-esteem even further, and they end up getting caught in a downward spiral.

Thankfully, there are a number of simple things that anyone can do to boost his or her self-esteem and, hopefully, break out of this vicious circle. You may already be doing some of these things, and you certainly don't need to do them all. Just do those that you feel most comfortable with.

1. Make three lists: one of your strengths, one of your achievements, and one of the things that you admire about yourself. Try to get a friend or relative to help you with these lists. Keep the lists in a safe place and read through them regularly.

2. Think positively about yourself. Remind yourself that, despite your problems, you are a unique, special, and valuable person, and that you deserve to feel good about yourself. Identify and challenge any negative thoughts that you may have about yourself, such as ‘I am a loser’, ‘I never do anything right’, or ‘No one really likes me’.

3. Pay special attention to your personal hygiene: for example, style your hair, trim your nails, floss your teeth.

4. Dress in clothes that make you feel good about yourself.

5. Eat good food as part of a healthy, balanced diet. Make meal times a special time, even if you are eating alone. Turn off the TV or radio, set the table, and arrange your food so that it looks attractive on your plate.

6. Exercise regularly: go out for a brisk walk every day, and take more vigorous exercise (exercise that makes you break into a sweat) three times a week.

7. Ensure that you are getting enough sleep.

8. Manage your stress levels. If possible, agree with a close friend or relative that you will take turns to massage each other on a regular basis.

9. Make your living space clean, comfortable, and attractive. Display items that remind you of your achievements or of the special times and people in your life.

10. Do more of the things that you enjoy doing. Do at least one thing that you enjoy every day, and remind yourself that you deserve it.

11. Get involved in activities such as painting, music, poetry, and dance. Such artistic activities enable you to express yourself, acquire a sense of mastery, and interact positively with others. Find a class through your local adult education service or community centre.

12. Set yourself a challenge that you can realistically achieve, and then go for it! For example, take up yoga, learn to sing, or cook for a small dinner party at your appartment or house.

13. Do some of the things that you have been putting off, such as clearing out the garden, washing the windows, or filing the paperwork.

14. Do something nice for others. For example, strike up a conversation with the person at the till, visit a friend who is sick, or get involved with a local charity.

15. Get others involved: tell your friends and relatives what you are going through and enlist their advice and support. Perhaps they have similar problems too, in which case you might be able to band up and form a support group.

16. Try to spend more time with those you hold near and dear. At the same time, try to enlarge your social circle by making an effort to meet people.

17. On the other hand, avoid people, places, and institutions that treat you badly or that make you feel bad about yourself. This could mean being more assertive. If assertiveness is a problem for you, ask a healthcare professional about assertiveness training.

5 quotations about self-esteem and self-confidence

Adversity and perseverance and all these things can shape you. They can give you a value and a self-esteem that is priceless. —Scott Hamilton

Giving people self-confidence is by far the most important thing that I can do. Because then they will act. —Jack Welch

Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence. —Helen Keller

Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. —Lao Tzu

To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are. —Anonymous

[Searching4Answers]

I am always trying to figure what "self-care" is. I know that I need to focus on this but am not always sure how to do that. I found this article and it explained it pretty well for me.

Hope it helps


http://esteemology.com/the-practice-of-self-care/

[in it]

Love it! Love it!

Found online:


10 Steps to Self-Care

1. If it feels wrong, don’t do it.

2. Say “exactly” what you mean.

3. Don’t be a people pleaser.

4. Trust your instincts.

5. Never speak badly about yourself.

6. Never give up on your dreams.

7. Don’t be afraid to say “no”.

8. Don’t be afraid to say “yes”.

9. Resist the need to always have control.


10. Stay away from drama and negativity – as much as possible. (Uhmmmm Mlcers and their bull$h!te)

[MsT]

Nice article, S4A! I was pleased to find that I've already started to shift towards some of these things, and it always nice to get clues to other things I can be working on

[in it]

For those going through a divorce:

1. Set up your own space. If you can afford to have a separate living arrangement during your divorce proceedings and it does not interfere with legal requirements for the outcome you are hoping for, find a separate space. If you are financially strapped, create a separate space in the dwelling you share and make it appealing. Buy yourself flowers for the room, get new artwork for the wall, colorful throw cushions, new sheets and towels.

2. Eat healthy foods. Divorce is a stress marathon - use extreme measures in your exercise and nutrition plans to remain healthy, or become healthy.

3. Get outside, walk, walk, walk or run or mosey or amble. This will go a long way to soothing the jangled nerves you are likely to experience.

4. b!tc#, moan, tear out your hair, cry, wail, take a breath and then repeat as often as necessary until you get tired of hearing yourself repeat the saga of your breakup and why you are right and your soon to be ex is all wrong.

5. Start a new career or hobby. You will meet new people, engage your creativity and have a new outlet.

6. Understand that this experience will have an end and a new beginning. Prepare to forgive yourself and your new ex and be willing to move on.

7. Evaluate your friendships and make whatever adjustments you feel are necessary. Sometimes there is a need to make new friends and say goodbye to relationships that are fraught with unrepairable history.

8. Daydream about your next partner and relationship. In order to be ready for a new and improved relationship, you need to know what you want and also need to see what parts of you need healing and nurturing.

9. Get reliable, recommended legal counsel. Be prepared for the process to take longer than you thought. Save your energy. You are not likely to speed up the process.

10. Understand that this experience may be an opportunity for growth and insight. Be gentle with yourself, be prepared to make changes in your life and outlook. Get ready for the adventure of discovering yourself.

[Airmid]

Virginia Satir was a renowned therapist who developed a mandala
to illustrate the many aspects of a human being -
all of which need to be fulfilled in order for us to be happy. 
This mandala to be especially important when working with struggling with depression or self esteem issues.

Satir's philosophy was that our Self was composed of many different parts and that each of these parts had to be nurtured each and every day in order for us to be content and fulfilled. 
It is an excellent tool to make people more aware of who they are and what they need to address to practice good self care.  Satir's parts of the Self are described below:



Satir’s Mandala is also an aid for self-care.
It describes the various parts of a human being which need to be fulfilled in order for us to feel complete.
If we neglect to make intelligent choices about how we fill these needs,
our subconscious will seek out fulfillment itself in ways that are not usually as healthy as we would like.

Below you will find a brief explanation for each section and a few examples of what would fulfill it.

Intellectual
Something which stimulates the brain, intrigues the mind.
Something which makes us think.

Examples:
Solving puzzles or mysteries
Reading a good book
Listening to a lecture or having a dialogue with someone about a topic
which introduces us to new or different ideas.

If you don’t make intelligent choices about how to stimulate your mind,
it will find it’s own methods for entertaining itself.
For example - a person was bored at work and didn’t address it.
Her brain took her to Ebay and amused itself by spending way too much money every month.
By finding more effective ways of stimulating her mind,
she eliminated her shopping habit and saved herself a lot of money.

Contextual
Our surroundings
The context in which we find ourselves, or in which we place ourselves
Our homes or offices

Examples:
Going to a beautiful park
Going to an art gallery
Painting a room
Adding scent to a room
Putting flowers in a room
Repairing something which is broken in a room
Cleaning house

Depression typically prevents people from performing a lot of cleaning duties in the home.
Papers and mail pile up. Dusting and vacuuming don’t get done. Dirty dishes pile up.
They also tend to isolate, closing the windows, pulling the blinds and keeping the rooms dark.
This chaos and darkness creates an unpleasant Context which further depletes the already low mood of a person with depression.
Opening the curtains and letting the sun shine in on a cleaned house tends to lift the mood.

Interactional
Socializing with other people

Examples:
Going out with friends or family
Going to dinner at a friend’s or a family member’s house
Attending a social function with someone else
Attending or participating in a sports event with friends
Going on a date
Going out with your spouse

Physical
Challenging yourself physically

Examples:
Go to the gym and workout
Go for a walk, a swim, a run, etc.
Attend a class (i.e. yoga, tai chi, etc.)
Work in the garden

Sensual
Something which stimulates the five senses:
Taste
Touch
Sight
Sound
Smell

Examples:
Light a scented candle
Getting a massage
Painting a room a different color
Wear clothes that are beautifully colored or a brilliantly colored tie that pleases your eyes
Playing music
Eating something delicious

Emotional
Something which stimulates your emotions or makes you feel good emotionally

Examples:
Watching a funny or sad movie
Going to a comedy club
Falling in love

Nutritional
Eating food that will stimulate your body in a healthy way. This is not the same as drinking caffeine or eating sugar for a “buzz”. What goes up must come down and both of these stimulants come with a crash when they wear off. Nutritional self-soothing is eating things that will make your body feel better naturally and in a healthy way.

Examples:
Fruit instead of candy
Protein instead of sugar
Whole wheat instead of white flour products

Spiritual
Something which nourishes your soul. This is not necessarily something religious, but it can be.

Examples:
Meditation
Attending your church
Performing yoga
Performing any kind of ritual

Research has shown that performing repetitive rituals can be very comforting and calms the mind.
This is probably why so many religions have rituals, like chanting, lighting candles, etc.

[lawprofessor]

This is an excellent set of posts. 

The one that speaks to me best is the Satir method.  Its well rounded and organized for me as I think in bullet points, and the examples are helpful.  I review something like this weekly to help me stay grounded and balanced.

Thank you Air

[calamity]

I used a similar model [physical, intellectual, professional, emotional & some I've forgotten].  Once I was independent of my h on a practical level, I looked* at the emotional part & realized that he was only a small part of my emotional life i.e. children, family, friends, pets etc.  Meaning I was letting about 1/5 of my emotional life [a part that was quite firetrucked up] or about 1/25th of my whole life, dominate my thoughts & that was just silly.

Ways to cope.

*Not a 'break-through moment'--it took a long time!

Another model that helped me was The emotional guidance scale [google it].  If you stop yourself at boredom then you can stop the spiral down & it does work.

I had to understand what my h was going through--I was never going to accept one source of information so I researched depression.  A lot.  So of course I learned about myself.  This is why I never discourage anyone from questioning their mlcer's state of mind even though it seems counter-productive i.e. not self-focus.

My lbs friend said recently, addressing her h [who was no where near present in any way, shape or form  ]: 
"Thanks h, for teaching me to like myself."