[Searching4Answers]

I am not sure those time frames are really accurate for stages of MLC. 

Also, I think that there is absolutely no way of knowing when they actually started to slip into crisis so I don't think there really is any way to determine how far in BD is.  Yes, we can see when they started seeming different but it is so subtle and creeps in so slowly that I am not even sure an MLCer in hindsight could pinpoint it exactly.  All I know is that my husband has been in crisis for what feels like forever.

There is nothing 'accurate' in reguards to timelines; that was a timeline that was experienced by Heartsblessing and her situation. There is no 'one size fit all'.
I agree there is no way of knowing when the MLC started but in hind sight we can see things that we didn't pick up on at the time.

[twilightzone]

does it really matter?

[xyzcf]

does it really matter?

That's exactly what I was thinking because the crisis will last as long as it lasts. I have learned not to think about timeframes because they are much much longer in my case than I thought possible. In other cases they are shorter.

[living with Hope]

does it really matter?

Does it really matter in the grand scheme of it all - no probably not as it has been said before it will go on as long as it needs to.

But for me in the darkness of it all, sometimes I need to look at time frames to help me process what is happening to my world.  At the beginning those time frames that RCR put down seemed obscene and too long but it gave me an idea on how serious this crisis was/could be.  As time marched on, it made me really aware of how time could be my friend.  Now as I am getting very tired and exhausted, it brings me hope that it could end. 

[Jackolar12]

I am not sure those time frames are really accurate for stages of MLC. 

Also, I think that there is absolutely no way of knowing when they actually started to slip into crisis so I don't think there really is any way to determine how far in BD is.  Yes, we can see when they started seeming different but it is so subtle and creeps in so slowly that I am not even sure an MLCer in hindsight could pinpoint it exactly.  All I know is that my husband has been in crisis for what feels like forever.

how long is forever Trusting and do you have any hindsight to share?

[Jackolar12]

does it really matter?

that's why we are debating the thread twilight regards jack

[trusting]

Jackolar, "forever" is really about five years.  I am five years and two months past what I consider my first BD and two months will be five years since my marriage BD.  And like I said, I could tell in hindsight my H was detaching from our family at least a year prior to that (I could tell something was "off" but had no idea what.  He was there but he wasn't, if that makes sense).  He started blaming his job (one of the four enemies of the MLCer) at least a year or so before that probably.  I can't remember.  My MLCer started out high energy around the time of BD but has mellowed into a low energy wallower. 
 
What I have learned through this journey is that there is no point in stage watching.  The stages are not linear.  Depression and withdrawal occur throughout.  I don't think we will really know where they are (such as past liminality) until after the fact.  My H was angry at first but that also seemed to have burned out a couple of years ago.  I do also believe they un-MLC the same subtle, slow way they slid into their MLC.  I believe my H MAY be slowly creeping his way out.  I won't bet money on it though.  After four years of pretty much ignoring the kids, for the past few months (maybe almost a year now) he has been increasingly involved in their lives, spending more time with them, FINALLY helping me a little bit with driving them to activities, and being aware of them.  I will finally cautiously say I think he is reconnecting with them.  But not me.  Yet. 

My situation is a bit different in that my H has never moved out.  He wallows in the basement.   

[toughtimes]

I had bd#1 November 2010, bd#2 march 2012 and then final bd#3 may 2012. He moved out then but still stayed here when he wanted, he was awful monster the minute he Bd#3, that was when he had ow to move on to.

I believe h mlc started 2009. He had work issues, couldn't get any and so started business. I became pregnant mid 2009. He was horrible about money, he wasn't earning and using our house savings to live off. I became very reactive, pregnancy was really bad and scary. 2010, he started pulling away from the family, more and more meetings away from home, back late three times a week ... Increased in 2011. That was the really bad year and when he started looking around for someone else. I had baby and kind of felt abandoned. 2012 he's gone. So, about two years pre bd for me. I'm. Nearly 2 years post bd, so looking at four, four and a half years mlc horror. My daughter is four in April, it's been a tough time.

[calamity]

TZ, yes I know it doesn't matter when we think rationally; all these cases are individual & the timelines are estimates.  But sometimes I just need to calculate...it's a boost or something when I am emotional & needy--for example during holidays.  It goes like: IF I am lucky...& IF he... Okay I'm pathetic [worse, I have been known to google the satellite image of ow's house  ]. 

We know nothing of the our mler's stage except in the rearview mirror.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_separation_replay_stage-obsession.html

PS.  My h is in replay & has been there a mighty long time [well into year 3].

[Jackolar12]

Jackolar, "forever" is really about five years.  I am five years and two months past what I consider my first BD and two months will be five years since my marriage BD.  And like I said, I could tell in hindsight my H was detaching from our family at least a year prior to that (I could tell something was "off" but had no idea what.  He was there but he wasn't, if that makes sense).  He started blaming his job (one of the four enemies of the MLCer) at least a year or so before that probably.  I can't remember.  My MLCer started out high energy around the time of BD but has mellowed into a low energy wallower. 
 
What I have learned through this journey is that there is no point in stage watching.  The stages are not linear.  Depression and withdrawal occur throughout.  I don't think we will really know where they are (such as past liminality) until after the fact.  My H was angry at first but that also seemed to have burned out a couple of years ago.  I do also believe they un-MLC the same subtle, slow way they slid into their MLC.  I believe my H MAY be slowly creeping his way out.  I won't bet money on it though.  After four years of pretty much ignoring the kids, for the past few months (maybe almost a year now) he has been increasingly involved in their lives, spending more time with them, FINALLY helping me a little bit with driving them to activities, and being aware of them.  I will finally cautiously say I think he is reconnecting with them.  But not me.  Yet. 

My situation is a bit different in that my H has never moved out.  He wallows in the basement.

hi Trusting thank you for the advice I'm two years in so I have a way to go and my ex is a complete vanisher still in replay, I hope things go well for you all
Regards jackolar