[in it]

Our communication skills sucked

There's the first clue. Nobody is a mind reader.

[Strongwind]

Init, bad communication is an epidemic these day, especially in a couple's life or there would not be so many couple therapists and so many books written on the subject.

The fact that MLcer don't want to make an effort in communicating more effectively is due to their childhood issues whom they have not yet resolved. I don't see this as a clue to mean that these individuals are bastards and that we have somehow attracted. I see this as human frailty and immaturity rather than aa a type of human being who we attract or are attracted to.  SW

[bellagio88]

Thank you both - I really do appreciate your words.
I want to respond fully to what you have both said but first - I thought I would look at a few positives that I have done for myself (and D) today/

- I finally completed the moving of all the important items that we have into the storage centre. It is now a load off my mind that that is done. Even though it was hard seeing all of our gear loaded up into a tiny space I am reminded of just how much I have successfully dealt with in the last six weeks....)
- I bought some nice shower gel and a had a long shower and painted my nails
- I bought some healthy veg and am going to make a stir fry for us tonight
- I went to Mass today ( the first time in this city for 2 and a half years) - I introduced myself to the parish priest and I have registered D and I now in the parish. I have also made an appointment to speak with him in confidence early next week...

Interestingly the homily today referred to the parable re "no external force can make a person "unclean". A persons "uncleanliness" (Adultery, fornication, theft, deceit etc etc etc) comes from within that person.No matter what spin they put on it.
I was sitting quietly in prayer after Mass thinking about this.
This is a lesson we could all learn from when WAS our blaming us for their depression (n my case) etc etc etc

I know not everyone is religious here but I am learning to lean on God more and more every day.

I don't know how I am going to do it but I have a growing sense that I just want to be the best person I can be - for both myself and my D.

Thank you for caring - its not easy every minute of the day (this morning I was crying) but I am trying to move ahead..
More in a minute
x

[Strongwind]

Interestingly the homily today referred to the parable re "no external force can make a person "unclean". A persons "uncleanliness" (Adultery, fornication, theft, deceit etc etc etc) comes from within that person.No matter what spin they put on it.

if you can, please read Ephesian 6

it will put a new spin on this crisis. I'm so glad you're caring for you and D. You're doing really well. This is a trauma and it's very difficult. Stand for you and D now and allow God's love to wash over you. He knows what is going on better than we do. Making an appt with the parish priest. You need men and women of God to support you in this spiritual battle. (((hugs))) SW

[bellagio88]

Thanks Strongwind -

I have been particularly moved by what you have been writing re "attracting" certain types etc

"The fact that MLcer don't want to make an effort in communicating more effectively is due to their childhood issues whom they have not yet resolved. I don't see this as a clue to mean that these individuals are bastards and that we have somehow attracted. I see this as human frailty and immaturity rather than as a type of human being who we attract or are attracted to."

As some of you may know I first came to this site when I separated from my H in January 2009. That was a long time ago. At first i was wanting to stand and tried very hard to do so but his behaviour was so pout of the boundaries of acceptable that i had to let that go and insist of a divorce. He was abusive and I fought for years through the courts to protect D and myself.
It was an unforgettable time.
I have had sole custody of D since 2011.

So, in a sense, I have been round this block before. my ex-H and WAOP are very different personalities. That said I know a lot of people who can remember my initial postings may draw similarities in that I am back here again trying to work this all out - just with a different set of circumstances.

That said I was alone for three years after I separated from ex-H. I was deliberately so - at first because I was standing and the, after about a year and horrific verbal, financial , emotional (and some) physical abuse I had had enough. I was then alone for another 2 years before I met WAP.
So, like I have said, I really thought I was in a frame of mind to take an objective view point on getting into another relationship. I worked hard on myself during that time I was alone - I addressed a lot of issues - worked through the break down of my marriage - really thought hard about what I wanted in a partner - what I wanted for myself and D in the future.

When I met WAP I was very wary and hesitant - not because of him but because of the fact that I had taken my work on myself seriously  . It took months and months before I decided that I was willing to risk this - for my D and myself.

So - in this sense - I feel this loss even more keenly than before....

I guess I am saying this because - in a way - I agree that sometimes we just CANT see this coming..
x 

[CrazyTrain]

B:  I can completely understand what you said about being willing to risk yourself again with WAP.  I divorced my first husband and was alone for 7 years before Mr. CT and I reconnected; he had only been divorced for a year when he moved out here to be with me.  I took those 7 years to really work on me, raise my girls, and I took the time to discover what I wanted in a relationship and what I wanted from a man in the context of an exclusive relationship.  When Mr. CT and I reconnected, we talked a lot about what had happened in our first marriages and what we wanted from a new relationship and what we would be willing to put forth in that new relationship.  I was very cautious about it all.  We spent a lot of time getting to know one another.  When Mr. CT asked me to marry him, I knew it was right.  I gave myself and my heart to Mr. CT, asking nothing more from him that I wouldn't be willing to give him myself.  He promised that he would never hurt me like my first husband did.  And I promised him that I would never hurt him like his first wife did.  And I have kept my promise, to this very day.  However, he hasn't.  I willingly gave all of me to him with the promise that we would be there for each other no matter what, we would make this marriage our top priority, we would be honest and open with each other, and that we would weather everything together.  I let the scars from my first marriage fade away, and then Mr. CT has cut those scars open again, only this time they are deeper and wider than I could ever imagine.  So, I honestly know exactly how you feel.   

[bellagio88]

Thanks Crazy Train -

My gosh - I have just read your post and it could have been my thoughts emerging off the page.
I cannot BELIEVE how what you have said echoes my life, my feelings, my heart, my trust..

Like yourself WAP and I had both been married and divorced. All I asked from him was his understanding and his fidelity. I have posted here before about my aversion to infidelity - I have a real problem with it. I said to him that if he did nothing else please, please, do not cheat on me (my ex-H did - with his secretary).....

WAP was fully aware of what both D and I had gone through when we met him. We had long discussion about what we both wanted, like yourself.
Over the last number of years I have trusted him - I have wanted to trust him for my own sanity...

That is why his gradual withdrawal and detachment before BD and OW exposure was so painful and confusing for me.

I know it may not make a load of sense but the pain, this time around, is so mire deep and profound. It is because we have gone through so much already - our WAS's know this - and they have somehow met us full circle....

It is so hard
x

[CrazyTrain]

Yes, it is extremely hard.  This whole situation has been the worst thing I have ever gone through.  I don't wish this on my worst enemy.  However, I am thankful that Mr. CT and I still do talk to one another, and that I know he does love me, that he doesn't blame me anymore, that he recognizes that it has to do with him, and that Voldemort is out of the picture.  He wants us to be friends, and he has said "because you never know what might happen."    He is lost in his confusion right now.  The lure of the single life has taken root, and that is very appealing to him.  I just need to remember how happy we were, and that one day he will remember that.  Hopefully sooner rather than later. 

[bellagio88]

Crazy train - I am very happy that you are seeing slow and steady progress - there so a small chink of light for you through the tunnel.
I, on the other hand, an only six weeks post BD - we are in NC and he is with OW (although it has not been made official that I have heard).
He has completely shut D and I out and is living his "new life" of "rejuvenation"....
So - the fact that we are in NC (and, because we do not share care of children/property/joint finances etc) - there is no real need for him to contact me...
I feel I will never hear from him again.....

I know many people are doubtful that my WAP is in MLC - this is due to his past etc......
I am so confused WHAT to believe at this stage

What stage are you in all of this - how long has it been for you since BD?
x

[CrazyTrain]

Mr. CT first told me ILYBINILWY in September 2012, and then I found out about Voldemort in May 2013.  When I found out about Voldemort, I talked to him the same day and he left that night.  He hasn't been back since.  So it has been 17 months since BD and 9 months since he left.   
My SIL confirmed to me that Voldemort is out of the picture, I didn't even have to ask, so I am thankful for that.  She also told me that he really enjoyed having dinner with me on Saturday, that it was nice and it was familiar to him.  What the hell does "familiar" mean??? 

We have 4 kids between us, but none together.  The only thing left between us is the house and the car.  His name is still on both of the loans.  And the memories that we made...that is all we have together.  I can afford the house and the car on my own, so there really is nothing for us to communicate about anymore.  My SIL doesn't believe he is in MLC, that he just wanted out.  I think he is totally in the middle of MLC.  He is still in Replay, though his mistress now is the shop where he does all his projects.  If I ever need to find him, that is where he will be.  Guaranteed.