[LettingGo]

I am very sorry for you B....listen to me right now...you are on your own journey....think of it as a whitewater river rafting trip....you cannot see what is coming around the bend, but you know there are times of calm, and then sudden churning rapids which require paddling just to stay afloat! You know this because you've heard of it before....but this is a trip your partner signd the both of you up for, and you would rather be on a boring old cruise and not fighting for survival just as you were getting used to the flow of the river!

Now....put on your life jacket and breathe....you can't get off the boat, so learn to navigate and paddle like a pro and don't take any detours! This river is traveled all the time, so you know it is doable and when people get off at the end they are usually glad of the learning experience, even though the rapids were sometimes terrifying and they have bumps and bruises to show for it.

Follow your guide and TRUST the process....your best guide is your intuition. I PROMISE you that everything will work out as it should and you will be better for it! I PROMISE!!! You and your partner are NOT compatible at this time and NEED to live separately....sux that they always find some lowlife who IS compatible for a season, but hers is only a temp job! She will have influence over your partner so remember to respond and not react to their antics....down the road the power will shift and they will be miserable together...for now, you are not in their picture, and it's not fair but that's the way it is.

You don't have to give back anything...the coldness is a technique used to demonize you so he can detach from you and follow his affair partner straight to hell for awhile...giving back his stuff will not alter anything HOWEVER, following "the Golden Rule" will rack up points in your favor eventually and will make YOU happier in the long run.

PLEASE read every article!! Read them all again every few weeks....all of the answers are there, but you may not be able to see a lot except with time...just please read them....

[in it]

I would not respond-find the items if possible and take them back with you tomorrow and try to have the person who helps you only take out of the house just what is yours.

If he persists in texting or email- I don't see where it would hurt to reply.

"Items will be there tomorrow". No explanation.

This is a control issue for them I couldn't agree more..shampoo seriously? Whatever.

Just keep your head- play it really cool- and get your things out. OK?
 
You need sleep you must be exhausted. You have two more days to get the rest of your stuff.. correct? Will you need both days?

(((HUGS)))

[SwiftCovenant]

B...I think the advice you have been given here is EXCELLENT!  I agree with it all.  My H, two years into the covert depressive phase is yet to admit the OW is anything but a friend, but I know better.  Honestly, while knowing is hard and devastating at first, now you know what you are dealing with.  Believe me the "is he or isn't he?" place is no fun and has threatened my sanity several times.

I, too, have gotten the business-like e-mails like your partner sent.  He always has a reason to contact, but the longer this goes on every time he sends a business text or e-mail it is an excuse to contact me as he will then ask me some more casual personal questions.  As the acute phase of separation wears off you may find this to be true (depending on what contact type he falls into).  Since he's not hiding the affair anymore he'll probably run and party for a while.  HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS. That is hard, but as the good book says, "Sin is fun for a season", but only a season.  Like others have said, this is most likely temporary.  It does not mean that they will not try to legitimize their relationship, but they will hit a wall sooner or later, especially with a MLCer in covert depression.  The excitement will wear off...everyday mundaneness will set in, and the party will be over.  Just be prepared, because that could take a while, and you have to decide if you want to wait it out.

I am waiting it out, but in the meantime living my life as if he's not coming back.  Just this week I've decided to go a darker shade of dark (I work in the same workplace as my H so I see him during the workweek), and I'm already seeing him floundering because I've stopped being as predictable in my workday routine. 

I agree with reading and re-reading the articles.  They have literally been my life raft on days when I felt like I was going to drown.   

Hang in there...you're not alone.

[bellagio88]

Thank you so very much all of you. I cried and cried and I fell asleep so have only just woken up.
I cannot describe the comfort your words have brought me. I am so grateful.
When you are in the midst of this pain you can lose sight of the MLC descriptors - that's why reminding me to read and re read the articles is so well received.
You have reminded me just how zany his email really was. What person asks for his shampoo and conditioner back? Yes, someone who is desperately trying to be in control.
It has also been useful to be reminded that it is covert depression.
Are affairs part of that?
I need to read more about the role of the OP in all of this.
I don't think it has fully hit me.
I really feel like I am in a weird dream - I know that once I have our things out of his space I will be able to truly detach.
Please do pass on any further advice everyone - it's so great to know that we have each other and we are not alone.
How do you get over the betrayal ?
B x

[CrazyTrain]

Bellagio:  you get over it one second, one minute, one hour, one day, and one step at a time.  There is no timetable for you to adhere to.  You get over it at your pace and no one else's.  Take your time and grieve.  Every day you will get a little bit stronger.  Trust me, I am living proof of that.  We are here for you, friend.   

CT 

[onlyjo]

ditto what CT said!
for weeks after official BD, i felt like i was underwater--everything was in slow motion, and it was really hard for me to just get through each day.  i actually got an RX for an anti-anxiety drug and i am glad i did...even though it was so hard for me to physically get through the days, my mind was racing all over the place and i couldn't stop it.  that's what scared me most, the feeling that i didn't have control over my thoughts anymore, so i got help. 

but just like CT said, everyone is different.  there is no one way to get through this, no timetable.  the rule of thumb is "let people help you!"  we are here for your, as i am sure your friends and family are.  i am one of those who struggled to ask for help, and finally realized i had to circle the wagons.  i can't tell you how much it helped and how humbling it was to have help from my friends and family in real life and from friends here on the forum.  let them help you with your pain.  as one of my best friends said "here's how you'll get through this--you'll let your friends and family lift you up".  you can do the same thing--especially with us here, who all know what you're going through. 
take care of you!!!!!  and big hugs
onlyjo

[in it]

How do you get over the betrayal ?

This is a really tough one for me. Just about everyone I ever trusted in my life has betrayed me in one form or another- a counselor ( who was telling the ex about my sessions) to my lawyer, to the exmil, and now my own children. And off course the ex.

In youth? My mother. And my father at a different level.

If it weren't for my friends and this forum? I have no idea how I would have made it through this second BD.

The abandonment I have felt has been overwhelming-but I have a great faith in God.

I'm not anywhere near forgiveness unless it's considered forgiveness to proceed with my life without them being a part of it. It is possible for me to do this.

I simply cannot have toxic people in my life that show me no respect right now.

There is life after this- you will get a perspective....(((((HUGS)))))

[bellagio88]

Thank you so much CT
Yes I think it is literally one second at a time for me at the moment.
I know that ow has been unhappily married - she perfectly fits the affair down descriptor.i know she has been after him for a while.
I have just been speaking to my mum who was remarking how different WAP is now compared to when she stated with us in 2012. She had a stroke in his house and he was there for her 10000 percent.
He is an alien now.
In all of your experience re ow when if ever do they wake up and realise who this person really is?
I must get back to the articles - am flailing
Thanks everyone x

[CrazyTrain]

Bellagio:  My H's OW, I renamed her Voldemort, was/is a co-worker of his.  Very much an affair down!  Talk about being bat-$hit crazy!!   It took a while, but she showed her true colors to Mr. CT and he told her to hit the road.  Mr. CT started seeing Voldemort in an unflattering way at Christmas.  I had a meltdown and went over to his place on Christmas day and unloaded on him.  I found out that he was telling that wh@re that he loved her.  Yuck.  So I laid it all out for him.  I told him some things I had learned about Voldemort and what an ugly and evil-spirited person she truly is.  I threw some truth harpoons his way as well.     I believe everything I said finally sunk into his head and he began to see her differently.  I had written it all out on one of my previous threads, but for some reason that thread got deleted.  Suffice it to say, he came to me recently and told me that they are no longer together because "she started demanding more, just like you said she would..."  Everything I have told him that would happen, has come to pass. 

So, yes, they do wake up and realize who that person is.  However, it might take a while for that to happen.  Take the time to read and re-read and re-read the articles!!  I do it all the time!! 

You will get better.  I promise!! 

CT    

[forthetrees]

Is it possible that this is hitting so hard b/c it is the second time a man you´ve bonded with so deeply has turned so drastically as in is a big piece of the struggle that you are somehow doubting yourself? If so, please try to view it as that you are not purposely sabotaging yourself, rather, you are open hearted and unlucky enough to find two of them in one lifetime. I think it rather speaks to how men are raised in general in that they are taught not to express their feelings other than a superiority or anger. Maybe we should be more surprised that more of them
don´t do this. Anywho, just wondering as you seem especially down and for me that happened when I took an unfair share of the blame.
Hugs,
FTT