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Trouble is you can't be friends with them..it's a one way street..you might be able to be there for them but the minute you need something...poof! Nowhere to be found!

How does that constitute a friendship?

I am civil to H but not friendly. I don't know that he knows the difference

As for H's dad's advice - he has been divorced 3 times and had no woman in his life. He is very lonely but he knows that this is a result of his past choices. He tells me that he is not the person to give me any advice on my current situation. However, he does care for me and would fix H if he could. H has discarded his dad as well and it really upsets his dad.

[patience.of.a.saint]

Trouble is you can't be friends with them..it's a one way street..you might be able to be there for them but the minute you need something...poof! Nowhere to be found!

How does that constitute a friendship?

I look at it like this: if you had a girlfriend or a sister who you know is in a regular depression, would you expect them to hold up their end of a friendship? My MLCer's aunt kept insisting that he is in a bad depression...so I did some reading on depression. It's not really all that different from MLC, as far as the depression parts are concerned. She was in a depression for several years so I asked how she got out of it and she said her friend mentioned it often enough that she finally saw a doctor and got treated. She said if that friend hadn't been there for her, she never would've known she should get help. So, I guess for me, I treat him like I would any other friend who has depression. According to his aunt, he can barely be there for himself, much less feel anything for another person. A typical person in a long term depression can lose all their friends eventually, due to that lack of being there for someone else. Just like you can't snap out of a depression, you can't snap out of MlC either. I guess I can't turn my back on him after reading about depression. I have zero expectations....hopes, yes, expectations, no.

[patience.of.a.saint]

Interesting theory DO, sounds about right.  But sometimes when the LBS starts detaching and wearing magic jeans, they get the dopamine rush from them too!

Magic jeans... I think I may need some of those...where does one go to find them?

[Lanzo]

  They want to be the wild person they never got the chance to be or that they remember themselves to be.

I’m in agreement with this comment, xW former bff was a bit of party animal, bit of a $l()t actually. In the past she had told me that guy’s used to hit on her and xW when they would go out but xW would always back of or turn them down. These days it seems xW has ditched her bff, assumed her $l()tty identity and is rounding up all OM she missed out on.

Its quite ironic because when I use to see them together I used to think xW wanted to be like bff ($l()tty) and bff wanted to come across like xW (prim and proper). Seems like they are half way there now.


Lanzo

[nah]

Magic jeans... I think I may need some of those...where does one go to find them?

American Eagle works for me but I have white girl shovel butt.  It's really all in wearing heels, it pushes everything up and out...

I have wrote this many times on this forum before (and not everybody is in agreement) but I believe if you work on the outside the inside will follow.  I never walk out the door, even if I'm just going to pick up something quick unless I'm dressed like I'm going to accidentally bump into him and the girl.

At first people often said, "why are you so dressed up?"  Now I often get comments (this one was yesterday), "you always look so put together"...

Well, at least I am on the outside. 

[Darth Obo]

Good discussion! No, you can't be friends with them! friendly, especially for the kids sake, yes. True friends, no! Too selfish & self-centered and like in it said, will be gone like smoke the first time you need something!

Interesting theory DO, sounds about right.  But sometimes when the LBS starts detaching and wearing magic jeans, they get the dopamine rush from them too!

Sure, this is natural and is why you get this reaction when you start GAl'ing & hitting the gym, etc.

Let's be honest; it's known men are initially attracted to women physically. It's just the way we are biologically coded in the brain. Women are also attracted physically, however, it's also mental/emotional too; probably more so in a lot of cases.

So, yep, put on your "magic jeans" and shake it his way a couple times, add in the fact you detached and your a better / stronger person from your GAL, and the primal, physical attraction and interest kicks in.

I know it sounds shallow as hell, but in reality, this is just the way we are made biologically!

Magic jeans... I think I may need some of those...where does one go to find them?

American Eagle works for me but I have white girl shovel butt.  It's really all in wearing heels, it pushes everything up and out...

I have wrote this many times on this forum before (and not everybody is in agreement) but I believe if you work on the outside the inside will follow.  I never walk out the door, even if I'm just going to pick up something quick unless I'm dressed like I'm going to accidentally bump into him and the girl.

At first people often said, "why are you so dressed up?"  Now I often get comments (this one was yesterday), "you always look so put together"...

Well, at least I am on the outside. 

Makes absolute sense!!! If you look good, then you will feel good and your self-esteem and confidence follows! People on the street that don't know you are going to initially react on physical appearance alone! People that already know you and going to react even more pleasantly when they see the results of GAL and getting it together!

I won't lie; I do this too! I never leave the house, even to go get groceries, unless I am showered, shaved and presentable. I wear my cologne everywhere including work! I find if I am out looking like crap in sweats & a t-shirt.....well, I feel like crap!

American Eagle is one of my favorites for jeans; straight leg, slim fit!!!  I don't do heels though; boots for me! 


DO

[terrified_in_TN]

Magic jeans... I think I may need some of those...where does one go to find them?

I have wrote this many times on this forum before (and not everybody is in agreement) but I believe if you work on the outside the inside will follow.

  I have to say, I am starting to believe that.  My self-esteem has never been higher thanks to D16 redoing my wardrobe.  She was so proud of her work LOL-She told me "See, now I am not ashamed to be seen with you!" LMAO.

-T

[nah]

My self-esteem has never been higher thanks to D16 redoing my wardrobe.  She was so proud of her work LOL-She told me "See, now I am not ashamed to be seen with you!" LMAO.

Wow, for a 16 year old girl to say that to her dad you must look smokin' hot.   

[terrified_in_TN]

My self-esteem has never been higher thanks to D16 redoing my wardrobe.  She was so proud of her work LOL-She told me "See, now I am not ashamed to be seen with you!" LMAO.

Wow, for a 16 year old girl to say that to her dad you must look smokin' hot.   

I would say I am pretty good looking; I don't know about smokin' hot LOL, but yes, that is VERY HIGH praise from a teenager!!!

In all seriousness, I have the best daughter on the planet.  Its too bad she had to grow up prematurely (mom hurt her feelings the night she left when she told D16 "I don't see myself marrying this guy [OM], I just want to go have my fun.").  She feels abandoned.  I only found out about that comment much later when D16 told me long after her mom had gone.  That is a HELL of thing to say to your own daughter.

-T

[Medusa]

He told me to try and remain on friendly terms with H if I want him back.

Friendly terms and friends are not the same thing. We can be friendly to them. All that constitutes is being nice in the way we are nice to strangers and acquaintances.

They want to be the wild person they never got the chance to be or that they remember themselves to be. 

Absolutely correct. It's well-known that if a person misses a developmental stage, they will revisits it later in life. Mine told me part of the problem was that he wanted to do everything early, including getting married. Wild oats were not sown. He lost his identity and now has to figure out who he is.