[Albatross]

She always had more male friends than female growing up and has even stated throughout or marriage (even recently) that she doesn't have many female friends and most women don't like her.

Here is exactly the same thing with my wife. I believe that is not connected with father figure, most likely is about mother issues and problem of maternal stage of development. Love hate relationship with mother - borderline threat. So, they have issues with female figure. 

[Albatross]

My H has admitted recently he's been self medicating and said on his last visit he'd stopped (I referred in emails to him at the 'trying to use logic stage' that the red mustang on our drive, drinking every day, running obsessively, becoming a workaholic and of course OW -were self medication for him

I even wrote that I know how it feels to be attracted to someone-I've had flirtations a couple of times and told him about the dopamine and adrenaline rush being addictive like cocaine but short lived

Do you think this admission that nothing helps and the stopping blaming me could be him entering liminality?

He's depressed, sick, doesn't know who he is, wishes he was dead, has no friends etc

He is deep in replay. Escape & Avoid as well. He is stuck in space and time, can't go forward and of course nobody can go backward in time. Deep depression push him to use primitive coping mechanisms and primitive defense mechanisms. In other words he project own misery on people who are prone to receive his projections. He is right - world is not. His misery cause is the world not his mistakes. He is regressed in youth in time when he felt safe and using persona from that time. In other words, you have child who is desperate and acting out own pain and misery. Hitting liminal depression is moment when they finally realize that they tried everything possible without changing self and spend all shadow energy and their life in real world become even much more worst then before. In same time they have to reach point of humility - not being center of universe (egotism and narcissism). Then they become aware of anima/animus. That point should be change self or die... Next step is dissolution of animus/anima. When they dissolute anima/animus their soul is dead - they become nothing in spiritual meaning. After that moment all projections are ceased. There real work on self begin.

When I said my self esteem was better since going out more he said 'there's nothing wrong with you-it's the relationship' this is a man who wished he'd never met me and thought I was controlling, manipulative and had robbed him of a normal sex life just a few months ago
X

He blame Your relationship and You. Means he strongly project blame, he is still deep into fog and replay.

[Hmmm]

Yes, I think you're right. He wrote an email to D10 that he'd been running and got sunburnt. Trying to escape his own thoughts I think.

He won't answer any of my emails at all

[Albatross]

Middle path from Jin and Yang

"That is to say I know the center and I know that good and evil are simply temporal aberrations."

Instead splitting world to good and bad we should take middle ground, otherwise will be judgmental. It is hard to know even impossible to be sure why something happens why someone do something and we habitually judge people. We does know how particular person see the world and how he/she feels, and certainly we don't know history of their sou. 

"The perfect way is only difficult for those who pick and choose. Do not like, do not dislike; all will then be clear. Make a hairbreadth difference and heaven and earth are set apart; if you want the truth to stand clear before you, never be for or against. The struggle between “for” and “against” is the mind’s worst disease."

[in it]

IMHO

 "Do not like or dislike; then all will be clear" is when you achieve indifference. This is not to be confused with being uncaring- just relatively unaffected by words and/or behavior.

My possibly biggest flaw is enabling.

Technically indifference is the opposite of love.

Happiness is a gift you give yourself.

Biblically " Be still- and know that I am God"

Arghhh? Stop emailing him. (((HUGS)))

[Hmmm]

I will. I was doing fine until I had to email him about S6 hospital and about my huge imminent pay cut. Got him to reply but then my mind started racing.

All calm again now. A week off to focus on my kids
X

[superdog]

I wanted to pick up on the quote about more male friends than female growing up.

This is me also. I hung around with boys and had them as my best friends, had very few female ones at all.

I totally Agree with albatross on this, it's not the daddy issues it's the mummy ones. I always felt like my mother did nothing to stop my dad being mean and aggressive towards me and my sister and I therefore did not trust her to have my back. My mum was also very critical of my looks and my weight and I often felt ugly because of it never once told me I was pretty. I guess I thought this was all women.

It's is only now that I find myself seeking out women to befriend and I have to say it is hard and I still gravitate towards men. It's not a sexual thing at all, just feels more comfortable and safe. I am learning though.

Sd
X

[bipolared]

I wanted to pick up on the quote about more male friends than female growing up.

This is me also. I hung around with boys and had them as my best friends, had very few female ones at all.

I totally Agree with albatross on this, it's not the daddy issues it's the mummy ones. I always felt like my mother did nothing to stop my dad being mean and aggressive towards me and my sister and I therefore did not trust her to have my back. My mum was also very critical of my looks and my weight and I often felt ugly because of it never once told me I was pretty. I guess I thought this was all women.

It's is only now that I find myself seeking out women to befriend and I have to say it is hard and I still gravitate towards men. It's not a sexual thing at all, just feels more comfortable and safe. I am learning though.

Sd
X

I am the exact same way, SD.  My mom was very sweet and not exactly critical but she NEVER says I am pretty.  She will say I look nice but that is about it.  i try to tell my girls that they are often and mention their strengths too, along with complimenting their intelligence and character. I think it is really important.  But jeez, girls are mean!  Sorry to hijack.

[superdog]

Sorry for the hijack too.

Yes girls are very mean in my experience too. I have brought up my daughter to recognise that what is outside can be appreciated and even changed but it's inside that matters most. This is what has happened with a lot of these mlcers, they have perpetuated the cycle of abuse rather than change it like you and I have just described.

My mum was very immature.

Sd
X

[Darth Obo]

Superdog & BP,

Thanks for the input / comments concerning the mother issues and affecting female friendships. Couple of the the things you gals said make some sense when I look at wife's FOO and the family dynamic she was raised in. Sets off a light bulb for me.

She has even stated in the past (prior to MLC/current issues) that her male friendships are non-sexual in nature; she views them as "brothers". I know this is true of a few of my friends we are close to; she absolutely treats them like brothers she never had.


OBO