[ece711]

HB,

  I wanted to write something similar to what you just wrote, you really have a special gift when it comes to giving advice and putting it in writing.   

  "Letting Go"... and "Let God" is the way.  MLCer's seems to have a radar and know also if you have really or Truly "Let Go".  In my humble opinion Letting Go is a place in your heart and mind where you no longer fear what the outcome will be...  by trusting God.   

[JustFine&Dandy]

HB - I have a question for you regarding this comment:

I had to LEAVE HIM BEHIND, folks, before he would even think about catching up with me...my moving forward was the catalyst that brought him back.

If I remember right, your H did not move out, but he worked away from home during the week.  How were you able to show him you were moving forward while living in the same home?  This is something I'm struggling with, since my H is still at home (although he may not be for much longer, who knows). 

For me, it seems hard to detach when I witness his cycling and fluctuations.  Plus, H doesn't have the opportunity to miss me or wonder what I am up to.  Do you have some practical advice for a LBS to show an MLC'er he or she is moving forward without having to throw the MLC'er to the curb?

[StillStanding]

How were you able to show him you were moving forward while living in the same home?

The same way that you show someone that you can tapdance, or juggle. You just do it.

Make plans without him, especially ones outside the home. This has the added benefit of minimizing the effect his cycles can have on you.

[hyperglad]

I used to say to my H i know I will be alright....now I am all right and that is the difference

[Butterfly]

Hyperglad
You are so right. That is the key. We have to be alright.

Butterfly

[hyperglad]

Butterfly we sure do

[stayed]

Hyperglad, thank you for posting my h's letter, I did not have access to it while I was in Canada.  I really wanted it out there, for all these wonderful people to see and read.  I know how much any sort of insight would have HELPED me to deal with this.

I will ask my h to respond to your questions Holdingon about projecting his anger and blame onto me.  I really can't answer for him but I can say, one of the first things my h said to me when I returned was:  When I first went into this depression (whatever you want to call it) I thought it was all your fault, that you weren't making me happy anymore, that we had outgrown each other..... but.... I now know, it was me!  I was unhappy with myself, I didn't think I had gotten where I should have, or was the person I should have been.  I felt like I was missing out on life and time was running out.

Thank you so much for your good wishes on the arrival of my latest grandson, hehehe #3, 2 from oldest daughter, now 1 from the youngest, we are also blessed with 2 little girls from our oldest son.  Having 5 children we sort of expect to have quite a houseful eventually.  I also learned, oldest daughter is expecting again in May... lol she is hoping for a girl, but of course will take what she gets, hehehe... Grandchildren are definitely our reward for being parents... Thank you all so much.

[HeartsBlessing]

Hello Just Fine and Dandy,

If I remember right, your H did not move out, but he worked away from home during the week.  How were you able to show him you were moving forward while living in the same home?  This is something I'm struggling with, since my H is still at home (although he may not be for much longer, who knows).

For me, it seems hard to detach when I witness his cycling and fluctuations.  Plus, H doesn't have the opportunity to miss me or wonder what I am up to.  Do you have some practical advice for a LBS to show an MLC'er he or she is moving forward without having to throw the MLC'er to the curb?

You remembered correctly; my husband was a truck driver back then, still is, and I am a trucker, now, too.

I simply got on with my life AS IF he weren't going to continue; I didn't always answer the phone, I didn't "check in" with him as I had, previously.

I did what I wanted to when I wanted to; I just broke the habit of letting him know where I was, when I'd be home.

I basically lived my life AS IF I weren't married; well, HE wasn't married, he'd made that very clear, so, neither was I.  Now, I didn't do anything I wasn't supposed to do, but my ACTIONS toward him showed that I wasn't "waiting" for him.  He did, indeed, see this in me...and at first tried to get me to go back to what I had been.  When that didn't work, he showed anger.  When I ignored that, he got angrier. 

The more I pulled away, the harder he tried to grab onto me.   Finally, he saw his controlling ways weren't working; that, along with an ensuing confrontation that was directed by the Lord, showed him that he was NO LONGER in control of me.

I saw him start doing the opposite, which was beginning to show me more respect, asking me for dates.  I didn't trust it at first; but he persisted; the Lord showed me he was serious, so I started responding to his overtures.

The thing was, I never said one word to him;(except for the confrontation we had) I just started changing and doing more on my own; and he saw he was losing control of the situation, and me.

Do you have some practical advice for a LBS to show an MLC'er he or she is moving forward without having to throw the MLC'er to the curb?

Moving forward in your life does NOT mean you are throwing them to the curb, though it may look like it in the beginning.

When I became aware something was wrong; I made my stand clear to him; but it made no difference.

So, when I 'got it'; I began moving forward WITHOUT him; and the questions began, but I didn't give clear answers, I was evasive..all the while continuing  to move right along going forward.

The point is the typical MLC'er KNOWS where the LBS stands in regard to them; where the confusion comes in is when the LBS begins to move forward, and the MLC'er doesn't understand what's happening.

They would rather the LBS continue to act the SAME way they did before the crisis came about; that continues to justify the MLC'er's actions.  But when the LBS CHANGES, the MLC'er has no choice but to either accept the changes or walk away. THEIR CHOICE; the LBS has NO control over that...only over themselves.

GAL is designed to be just that Get a Life; that doesn't include the MLC'er.  IF the MLC'er chooses to join the LBS, fine; but if not, that should be all right, too.

What would be described as throwing the MLC'er to the curb is the unthinkable, such as taking on another person in a relationship that is clearly wrong.

When you move forward with your life AS IF, you are NOT throwing the MLC'er to the curb, you are giving them an OPTION to join you or not.

If you are sitting still, doing nothing, you're not doing yourself any favors; and are likely to get stuck within the MLC'er's crisis.

So, get out there; find something that interests you, live your life AS IF; leave the MLC'er behind in the dust.  Detach, let go and let God deal with the situation.

The only hope anyone has of possibly regaining their marriage is LETTING GO of it, and leaving it within the Lord's hands.

You can do nothing for your MLC'er but leave them alone until such a time when they start coming to you; and even then, you don't let it interrupt your life or your journey...you keep going, and going, and going.

You will know when the time is right to make the connection with your MLC'er; your intuition will let you know.

Until then, GAL your heart out. 

[Baxter]

Just adding some thoughts....H and I have had conversations about my letting go and moving forward.   He told me he wished I had let go sooner so he could work thru his issues sooner.  My being up his butt was preventing him from dealing with things.  I can see that clear as day now, but at the time, I just couldn't/wouldn't let go.  I was afraid of what I may lose at the time.    It was also preventing me from looking at myself.

   I told him its hard to let go of the person you love...he agreed.  Anyway, I guess I am just saying, he really noticed I finally had let go...to the point where I had moved so forward that it almost prevented him from coming back because he could see I was in such a good place and didn't want to ruin that for me.   It took him a month to get the guts to approach me and take the leap of faith  to ask me about working on the marriage. 

He tried a few times he told me...I noticed he was hinting around, but didn't bite....in turn making him be the one to just come out and ask if I would be willing to work on the marriage. 

At the end of the day...they do notice when you truly let go.......I think it makes them take a good hard look at the thought of actually losing you....something most of them really don't want..... but not letting go gives them a sense of comfort that you will always be around.   

I, too, agree with HB....letting go and letting God was the catalyst that brought my H back.  As you know, we are still working our way back, but I believe we are well on our way..with God's guidance, of course. 

[xyzcf]

Baxter, thanks for sharing that. I am so afraid that by letting go to this extreme that this will cinch the deal. I trust God completely now and leave my Beloved and our marriage in His hands.

Around last Feb, when he would call somedays and not others (he was in Asia then), I asked him if he would call or email me once a day as my anxiety would  escalate if I did not hear from him (and throughout all our married life we had been in touch daily). He told me after 2nd BD that he needed to take several deep breaths before he could pick up the phone and call me. I was really shocked by that as I did not try talking to him about us, I would be upbeat and cheerful. His calls were very brief, he was always on his way into a meeting or just boarding a plane..purposely making sure that there wasn't much time for us to talk.

I used to write down things that I could say to him because those calls were not very easy. In retrospect, that amount of contact was too much for him...I used to believe that if he connected with me that it was a good sign and meant that he cared and was thinking about me.

I still haven't reached the point of being able to freely embrace what I want to do with my life. I really want to get a dog and have postponed that for several months...that will be the next step for me as that again will be another "excuse" that he will have to not bring us back together....but see, I'm thinking logically when in actual fact..if won't have any effect because he truly is in a place where he doesn't want me in his life now anyway. My therapist has said(and it's true) that there would always be a way around any situation if he wants to come back to the marriage.

My sense of commitment is so strong that even to become the owner of a dog, I will not do unless I am absolutely sure that I would would take care of the dog for it's entire life. I am so alone here that a dog would be really really good for my loneliness (I've had two dogs in the past). I used to joke that my husband on a good day was what my dog was everyday!

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk to blossom". Whether or not letting go completely will have an effect on our journeys, there comes a point where there really is nothing more that you can do anyway. We have to do this for us..without thinking that it will force them back to us. God will try but again, their own free will will prevail.