[justasking]

Baxter

Thanks for the insight from your H.

Letting go and handing my H over to God was and is an informed choice but hard to make. It was a eureka moment when I asked God to help and handed my H over. As a fixer I want to be part of the fixing and I have had to learn to stand well back. This has only happened in the last few months, so early days yet.

On a daily basis I have to remind myself that God has H in his arms giving him support and strength to get through the tunnel in God time not mine.

xx

[Purple stain]

Justasking, I've done the same thing and feel so much better now, knowing that God is handling it . I can breath again, laugh, joke etc.

xyzcf: Please do get a dog, but adopt one. Our dog, since we don't have children yet, has helped me tremendously in all of this especially because I don't have family nearby. She was the one sitting by me and licking my tears off my face when I was sitting on the floor and just wanted to die/for all the pain to just go away. She is the one that keeps me warm at night and loves me unconditionally, even in this difficult time. And she is the one that connects my h and I right now because we both love her very much.

God is working behind the scenes and I actually tell my doggie every once in a while that she was God sent...we had an instant connection with her when we visited her at her foster mom's...don't wait too long and save a doggie (I've been a volunteer at a dog shelter and have seen horrible things that humans do to dogs). you will see how it will help you, long walks etc and they make you laugh cause doggies are goof balls LOL

p.s. on the letting go part; I've noticed that when I'm detached and doing my own things, my h seems to be more drawn towards me...last weekend, I was gone pretty much both days. My h could have done the same but opted to stay at home . Usually, he's the one constantly on the go (not as much these days though). So I keep busy and detached...So happy for anyone, whose MLCer is getting better and starting to reconnect. And I wish the same to everyone on here...and I pray for that

[xyzcf]

Purple stain, oh yes, I plan to rescue a lab..my last two I had as puppies but I want to be able to give a dog a good home. The problem right now is the Lab rescue associations insist that you have a fenced yard which I presently have but our house is up for sale and I will be moving to a rental property that isn't fenced. Eventually I hope to but my own place with a yard again.

Perhaps the humane society will not be so picky. I always loved taking my dog for walks and I will definitely take him or her out regularly...the time is coming soon.

[Baxter]

xyzcf...I have two amazing rescue black labs mixes. I had the same problem with the fence thing, but eventually found them on pet finder thru various other rescue organizations.   Like PS said...my pups were and will always be a God sent..they really helped me thru some of my darkest days.  Now that is true love        (Although, now that H is back in picture, they seem to be his best friend now...hmmmm.....how quickly they forgot how I was the one that took care of them for months...oh well...still love them so much)

[NinjaGirl]

Letting go has been the hardest part.  I've let go of trying to help.  I've stopped communicating.  I pray everyday that God will touch my H's heart and heal him.

But, I still will find days where I curl up in a ball and cry and hope my H will return.  Does this mean I haven't really let go yet?  How do you just release it all completely?

[xyzcf]

Don't know that it is ever possible to release completely. Perhaps letting go is about letting go of our expectations, the dreams and plans that we had together. Accepting that they may not return to our lives but being grateful for all the good times that we have had.

The crying is so normal...it strikes when we least expect but truly is the body's way of healing and releasing our pain so don't stop. Holding it back will only make it worse I think.

[LettingGo]

Jumping in here since my name is LettingGo, LOL!!

Letting go is a process and an attitude. You do not have to "do" anything specific, but GAL is a "must" for yourself, anyway. My best friend pointed out to me that "let go and let God" is tricky for me because we constantly let go, then take it back - it's a control issue. Don't worry about it though, you are allowed to be human! God does not need your help... you only have to do YOUR part.

As for moving forward in your life and living "as if", I can tell you that my husband is responding to my changes and is concerned that I won't be waiting forever for him to get himself together... that is because he has felt the shift in my attitude. Quite frankly, I just got tired and worn down so threw my hands up in the air and decided I was "over" our lives being all about him and his drama. He lives with OW now, so how can I argue with that slap in the face? He is worried because he can't expect me to reasonably believe that he loves me, misses me and wants to be with me as he says,  WHEN HE LIVES WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!! IT IS ABSURD! Now, because I know what I'm dealing with, I can sit back and watch it all fall apart, but he doesn't know that I know... he knows it looks really BAD in real life!

He has started pursuing me in a different way than before... I can feel it... he is worried someone else will get interested in me. I don't respond to his questions about what I'm doing other than to say "nothing". He knows he has no right to ask me if I'm dating, but he fishes for info and I let him stew over it. I no longer reassure that I will be here forever... I reassure of my love only. I'm doing as HB described she did - not going outside of my marriage, but doing my own thing when I want and how I want!

One thing I just remembered he said yesterday was something like "If I came home, I wouldn't want you to feel like I've got my boot on your neck holding you down" which is something I used to say to him as he was VERY controlling. He also said that he hated to admit it but that "this thing probably had to happen for us to realize stuff about ourselves". This is an indication to me that he is having some insight into his OWN issues and not just focusing on what a good job I'm doing changing myself into a person he could like, LOL!! For me, it is significant as it is the first time he's mentioned ANY personal growth for himself.

I will tell you that if you are rowing the boat all by yourself, at some point, you will be glad to hand the oars over and take a nap! That is a major shift in attitude and they WILL notice!

[JustFine&Dandy]

HeartsBlessing - Thank you so much for responding to my questions.  Everyone else, your experiences help also.

Yes, it does feel backward to "let go" in order to keep something.  I'm getting to the point where I believe I can let go, but I'm also afraid I might permanently let go in the process.

Is it wrong to not want to be with my husband the way he is now, and to not even want him the way he was before?  I think the ONLY way I could imagine reuniting with my husband is if he transforms himself to be morally, mentally, and emotionally strong enough to stand beside in a committed marriage.  Right now, it is honestly hard to imagine him growing to that point.  But I know he could if he chose to do so.  Likewise, I know that I'm far from perfect, and I need to work on me. 

So, I guess I should live my life like he is never coming back. But, if we do end up as two new and improved individuals who want to be together, then that would be great, too. 

Am I starting to get it?

[LettingGo]

Beautifully said, well done... you got it!

[HeartsBlessing]

LG is right, Just fine and dandy, you have gotten it.

Is it wrong to not want to be with my husband the way he is now, and to not even want him the way he was before?

There is a time during your journey to wholeness and healing when you will be shown your husband as he really WAS during your marriage; and you won't like what you see about him.

Each person wears masks; not only during the crisis, but during the time BEFORE the crisis; and you will see that things are not as they had seemed to be before the crisis began.

Each one of the LBS' wore 'rose colored' glasses that altered our perceptions of our MLC spouse...I know I wore mine with pride; until they fell off during my journey, destroying my innocence forever.

I saw my husband as he was was and had been a selfish, self serving man; a controller, a manipulator, who'd had NO respect for me at all.  He'd just used me for what I could do, not loved me for who I was.

That HURT; and I grieved that part of it through; as I took a totally honest look at what my marriage had been.

I'd not done everything right; and I was aware of that; having already seen my part in this; yet, once I saw his part; I asked myself what I was doing still standing when he wasn't any more perfect than I was.

For that reason alone; I didn't want him back as he'd been; I wanted him changed, just as I had had to change; and it did happen; although, it took time to progress through this change.

In the end, I have gotten a better man than I had before; who, for the first time in his life truly DOES love me for who I am, NOT for what I can do; I'm valued, regarded with respect; and he shares his life with me; always being open and honest about what he's doing.

If he hurts my feelings, he will apologize; he bends over backward for me; and this is GENUINE love, regard, and affection; not a "put on" or a mask, like it had been before.

He even speaks to me differently; but then, I come across toward him from a position of strength, not weakness; he KNOWS what I will tolerate and won't tolerate; whereas before he did NOT care; love to him was only words...and he'd piled every kind of responsibility on me he could; simply because he didn't care as long as it didn't affect him.

He now tries to make things easier on me; lets me know he's done certain things so I don't have to do them; beforehand, I'd had everything to do.

We share bills, household chores, take care of ourselves; care for, NOT take care of, each other.

He no longer tries to control and manipulate me; and I respect him enough to not try that with him; as he has his own boundaries in place and will not hesitate to defend them.

If he doesn't like something, he will now speak up instead of holding a grudge against me for a later time.  I deeply respect that quality in him; I'd rather someone speak up and let me know they don't like something, than to bury it deep within..and he used to do this; and many things came up during his crisis; hitting me in the face; as I had NO idea he was that unhappy.

In the coming out of the tunnel; a change IS noted within the MLC'er; and the LBS has already completed their changes; and so the two step forward into the future as DIFFERENT people working on an entirely NEW marriage.

Change IS necessary within BOTH people; or the lessons WILL recycle until learned or the end of life occurs.

I've seen it where a couple came through, but nothing was learned by either one, and so it all started all over once again from the beginning after a period of time.

I've also seen it where one has learned, the other has not; and it all goes back to the beginning again for the one who didn't learn.

And, sadly, I've seen it where the couple got so far, and gave it all up, breaking down the marriage; the damage on one or both sides was too much, and a point of no return was reached.

Yet each person, AS AN INDIVIDUAL will learn the lessons that are set before them; or recycle them over and over.

So, you might as well learn it all the first go around; so you don't have to go for a "refresher" course to get it all together.