[Buggy31]

Okay so I'm doing some thinking lately....and I want brutal honesty here...really....cuz sometimes during MLC it's hard to tell if I've climbed up the crazy tree myself hanging out with all the nuts and squirells  ......but I"m just getting tired..whew...... as you all know...and my desire to PROTECT my children from exposure to OW has gave my MLCer power over my life and my freedom which and I want to take it back....basically I want to carve out some time ALONE and by letting go of the rope with OW I will be able to have more space from him and be able to nurture myself more....I want to be able to go out....drink wine....work on my writing....apply for jobs...and I'm doing everything here...so I"m considering a compromise with OW s***. 

Now I recognize that I am being selfish and I also recognize that my oldest daughter will be deeply hurt here....and I don't want that to happen....and hit me with 2X 4's if you need to....hit away...if you recognize that he's wearing me down and I'm becoming weak with respect boundaries....cuz...it's not a made decision but I'm processing right now...cuz I'm at a turning point of really letting go here and i want to do what's BEST for them......really....part of that is having a mentally healty mother....

I would really appreciate feedback, advice and your own personal experiences.....on this subject...don't hold back...I've been dealing with an MLCer for 2 years...it would b hard to offend me.

[Buggy31]

Op how can I fix this title...I meant it to say children hanging out with OW...although if the shoe fits....LOL 

[ece711]

I'm not sure where to start...  my situation is different from yours.  I was divorced by my wife 18 months ago so I could not set this type of boundaries anymore.  But regarding my 11yr old and 7 yr old son meeting the OM I would think that these are events/situations that probably would fall under the category of things "You can't control".  MLCers are in their fantasy land and they would do everything that will push your buttons.  MLCers will play the "one big happy family" in their fantasy. 

I taught myself that as long as the OM doesn't physically or mentally hurt my children then it's just OK for them to spend time with him.  I am confident that no matter how much the OM spends in toys, video games, or any material things on my children it will not compare to the bond that I have with them.   At the early stages, I so wanted to say things to my kids but I have to stop myself (I took the high road).  I can only pray to God to give me the strength and the wisdom to handle situations like this.  I also taught myself that this is not a competition between me and the OM... so instead of providing my children with material things (which I have no financial means to compete), I taught them skills that they could not forget and won't dissapear.  I taught them how to ride their bikes without the training wheels, I taught them how to swim, I taught them how to play tennis...  the OM may have the resources to purchase the most expensive bicycle but my kids learn how to ride from me.  The OM may have the resources to take them on expensive vacations in beaches or in pools but my children learned how to swim from me...  (I'm not sure if my attitude that I took could be what they say here as part of "Letting go... and Let GOD..."

[Buggy31]

I am also at this point ece...wanting to let go and let god...thank you for your input...it's too hard to hold up the deck of cards...we can only control ourselves..right?  thanks for the input....curious to hear from others..

[justasking]

Buggy

How old are your children. Sorry I know I have read it but have MLC LBS dementia.........

[OldPilot]

They are as cute as a button. I can tell you that.
Saw their pics!
I'll guess newborn, four and eight - all girls(well I am not sure about the newborn)

Am I  close?

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Personally, I would let your children hang out with ow on the condition that they break things in her home. For example, if they broke a lamp, they would get to stay up late. If they broke ow's favorite lamp, then they get a new toy. I know you are tired. However, I have trouble with the ow having time with YOUR kids. To me, it legitimizes what your h is doing because everyone is happy and everyone accepts what is going on.

If there is a divorce and a divorce settlement, then you have no choice. Right now, you and your h are married. It doesn't say that in the case of adultery, you get to share the kids with ow. In my case, I don't think my kids (one is 11 and the other is 15) are ready to start a relationship with a new father. In fact the oldest has already told me that in the case of a divorce she doesn't want to live with her mother because she is afraid of the men she would invite to the house without me around to protect her.

My younger daughter may go along because she is still at the age where she wants to please. That phase is about to change. In fact, in about a year from now, I could easily end up with full physical custody of the children. Then she would have visitation at best.

As I stated before, I know you are tired. I posted before that you need a break. But if your kids start hanging out with ow, are you ready to hear about her from your kids? Are you ready to hear how nice she is? That is something you have to prepare yourself for and it will hurt.

I am not an expert on this, but I feel you are frustrated and tired, but you really don't want ow to be involved with your kids. (((Hugs)))

[CrazyStuff]

Buggy
My children are teenagers / young adults so I am not exactly in your situation; however, I am glad my children - so far - have refused to meet with OW.     Some of this is because of the way I feel, yet it is more than this.     From all accounts only a small percentage of affairs last and from what we have learnt here, as well as what we see ourselves, these are not healthy relationships.   

You yourself posted the following on LG's thread recently with regards OP:

 

...my therapist says OPPOSITES ATTRACT and then they ATTACK....it's doomed regardless of where this MLC is going...they're doomed...and you can be sure of that....let that give you reassurance...you will see it end....and you can get satisfcation...not cuz your H and OW will suffer but because it will show you that GOODNESS prevails...just takes time..how long...who knows...

As I said my situation is different - although older children bring their own challenges - so I hesitate to give you advice; however, I think it might be useful to look at this in a more detached way.  Do you really want your children building a relationship with someone who very likely will not be around in the future?   

CS

[hurt01]

Buggy,
As long as you and your H are still married or even D for that matter. If your H is not married and living with ANY women the children should not stay. It is Adultry and them living together is not teaching your children morals.

Do you want your children becoming adults thinking that kind of lifestyle is ok. They may do it anyway but at least you can say I taught them better and know in your heart you did.

I hope i didn,t over step my bounds here but thats just how I feel and my 2 cents.

[Buggy31]

Thanks for the input everyone...my H doesn't live with OW....and I'm not ready for sleepovers....not now...no way....I have 8 year old D (who is my biggest concern) 3 year old and 5 month old....Believe me I don't want this and I am detached from H and OW drama but sad when I think they will play family.....It's just too much and unhealthy having him hear hounding me....I have not gotten the space to heal...and he WILL not shut up about it and I've set boundaries....you can set boundaries like crazy but if someone is going to treat you bad....they will do it....and I am starting to accept that I can't protect everyone's emotions...if that makes sense....and in order to protect my children from his BS....because I've sacrificed my own life...and how long can that go on....plus it's just another thing for him to harp on....I can't control it and trying to SUCKS....too...

I talked to his therapist today and he pretty much said that it is not so much being with OP as it is conflict....GOD KNOWS what H is telling therapist...I don't feed conflict here in the home...but H is a victim right now so who knows.....I've watched my H flail as he seeks happiness  leaving us..not working....exploring relationship with OP..not working...filing for divorce...not working....hanging out with kids and her family....pretty sure this one will NOT be working too...I don't know so much to think about...no easy answers here.