[CallanG]

At the start the counsellor can only work with what they are being told by the client . Many people are not honest with counsellors and then give up because the problems have not been solved .

In time once they get to know and understand the clients the counsellors may see that things are not what they seem, but this takes more than just a few visits and a lot of time . Our behaviour in adulthood has it roots in out childhood and we may have spend many years displaying this behaviour before we reach a crisis point , so it is only natural that these things will take time to sort out .

I was very against seeing a counsellor but found great help in talking to someone who does not judge me , I have been honest with her about all of my feelings , she can not solve H's MLC but she has made me understand myself .

[toomanytearss]

LaughLoveLive,
Those things your h told you were almost word for word what my h said to me and our counselor also told him how to divorce me cheaply.  Gotta laugh.  What else can you do.

[Sunny]

As some of you may know know I'm a trainee counsellor and consequently having weekly therapy as a condition of my course. For the record, I'm 28 months post-bd.

I wanted to share my thoughts about discussing MLC-type behaviours in therapy/counselling as I know many struggle to find a counsellor who "gets" MLC. Tbh, I don't think it's necessary to find a counsellor who gets MLC. I think it's more useful to look at the behaviours that categorise MLC - avoidance, refusal of responsibility, personality change plus identity issues, parental attachment issues, hormonal issues, passive-aggressive behaviours, codependency behaviours, addiction, etc.

I also think by looking at the specific behaviours and how they impact on you, you will feel more understood by your counsellor. Counsellors will understand these behaviours, they see them all the time. Whether we like it or not, the term MLC has way too much baggage. It is not included in MLC training or even mentioned. So instead of beating your head against a brick wall trying to convince your therapist that MLC exists, why not explore the specific behaviours and issues as they manifest in your spouse/partner. I find I don't even use the term anymore. For example, today in therapy, I explored how my husband manifests as a child (teenager) and refuses responsibility and how I can best respond to him as an adult and not parent. (Transactional Analysis is a great tool for understanding parent/adult/child behaviours and responses) My counsellor really understood the issues, she has seen them many many times. But not once did I use the term MLC as I just don't felts helpful.

[CallanG]

I agree Sunny , very well put . If you look at what most counsellors list as areas of expertise you will see many of the issues that make up a crisis period in life .





Call an

[barbiedoll]

I was very lucky indeed . The 1st counsellor we saw said he was having an Identity / Mid Life Crisis. She absolutely believed it was a very real thing. The marriage counsellor that we now see, believes it as well. And my husband sees individual counsellor who specializes in mid life transition issues and crisis.  I would never have had the strength to try to convince anyone that this phase of life is a fact for so many people... i have been blessed. Thanks !

[Thunder]

Barbie, you DID luck out!

My 1st counselor didn't get it, but my second one did.  Why?  Because he went through a crisis himself.

Sunny, how in the world do you try to explain every one of those symptom's to a therapist?
I would think going one at a time would take years.  I guess maybe just telling them your spouse seems to be going though an Identity Crisis would sound more legit.  Midlife Crisis makes a person think flash cars, gold chains around their neck and chasing OP young enough to be there daughter/son...and it's so much more than that.

Thanks for your information.   You're going to be a wonderful therapist!

[barbiedoll]

I also need to add.. I went and seen a lawyer and told him the story. He said " come back in 6 months.. i see alot of men fall apart at this age, do nothing legally that you cannot undo  ". He gave me some legal advise as well, charged me nothing... and i did not need to go back in 6 months  IMAGINE ?

[Sunny]

Barbie, says a lot for the legal profession; they must see MLC in droves! Glad to hear you had success with your IC and MC.

Callan, thanks for your comment.

Thank you Thunder for your kind comment.   As for discussing the different issues, I guess I would ask do they need to all be discussed? What I mean is when you're in therapy, you would looking at how MLC impacts on you. You could mention your H is going through a crisis, or maybe call it an identity crisis, but the important bit of therapy is not about your H, it is about you. So discussing his behaviour is not really relevant unless it impacts on you and even then you wouldn't spent time looking at his behaviours, you would most likely use that time to explore your feelings about the behaviour.  Hope I'm making this clear! It's not about your H, it's about YOU.  Counselling isn't cheap, use that time to explore your feelings and not focus on his! Hope that helps!

[Thunder]

Sunny, thank you.  I understand the counseling is for me, not him but it took me awhile.

It really doesn't matter what he is feeling or doing I had to think about how I was reacting to it.  I get that now.  We expect them to tell us how to understand them..and that is not their job.  It's to help us coop.

I think when you first go into therapy you want answers as to why.  You have this need to fix things....and you really can't.

You can only fix you.

Hey, I'm trainable.   

[Thundarr]

Hi Sunny, 

I'm an LPCC and agree with everything you said.  It's not so important that someone gets MLC, but that they get how their behaviors affect those around them.  I know many of my fellow therapists understand SOME of the basics, but I truly think you have to live through something like this to really get how deep the wounds are.  Good luck on the rest of your journey!!