True guilt is not felt until they reach the awakening within Replay, and begin to see the damage they've done; like someone said the rose colored glasses begin to slip downward.
Healthy guilt is such they "own" their wrongs; eventually working through, and doing a true facing of their part in the hurt they have caused the LBS. Doesn't come until later in the crisis; Depression or even as late as Withdrawal.
The stirrings of this guilt, plants its seeds in the Awakening process.
Before then, they are aware they've done wrong, and guilt is shown; but they do nothing but keep trying to cover it all up until it literally begins to catch up with them.
This is different within each person.
Before my husband began to "wake up" to what he was doing; he didn't "act" guilty at all about anything.
But AFTER he 'woke' up to what he was doing, guilt began to stir; and it evidenced as anger every time I got near the truth. He knew he was doing wrong, but was trying to back me off, and trying to cover it all up. Yet, it all caught up with him as the affair wound down.
I saw further evidence of guilt as he navigated through OW Withdrawal; and the questioning of himself within.
It was around that time that he started cleaning the kitchen top to bottom; then starting all over again.
As OW Withdrawal passed; and he navigated forward, the cleaning ceased. THEN, as he went in to face his final fears the FIRST time; got spooked and ran backward into Withdrawal; I saw the kitchen cleaning start up again, as well as OCD behavior..the continuous washing of his hands.
After I confronted him to hold him accountable triggering his tantrum, I saw guilt come back, and the kitchen cleaning resumed; along with the OCD washing of his hands again.
I cannot exactly say what the cleaning represents except they are trying to "cleanse" something out of themselves by these actions.
I couldn't thank him; he refused to allow me to be appreciative of what he was doing...so I just went on about my business.
The guilt itself is necessary; because if they didn't suffer guilt; they would continue doing as they pleased, regardless of who they ran over.
It is ALSO a necessary component in reconciliation, should the relationship go that far, you would NOT want your MLC'er to repeat their behavior at a later time; so you WANT them to feel guilty for a time..it is also part of the consequences of their actions.
It is possible to run from guilt; but one cannot get very far, as it will catch up once again; becoming a constant companion, until faced.
It is also possible to carry guilt on the cuff; and suffer a great deal until the guilt is worked through.
Guilt is guilt, however it's suffered by the one who has done wrong. Each time the MLC'er looks at the LBS, they are held accountable and that brings on MORE guilt.
I know you can't force them to suffer any more guilt than they have brought on themselves by their own actions. Their guilt can be increased by the LBS forcing them to face their short comings; but not by much.
Nothing you can do to make them admit their guilt; most won't say much, if anything about their feelings of guilt; they are consumed with themselves, and what THEY have suffered; that is, if you allow them to get that way without holding them accountable.
You can try and hold them accountable; but you cannot "make" them see their own guilty actions, they must see this for themselves, and ONLY if they are willing to see....I think it is within the wording you would use that strikes a chord within them.
Maybe this will help.
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their GUILT