Author Topic: MLC Monster A view from the other side - Various Fog stories  (Read 86240 times)

Offline Shantilly LaceTopic starter

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MLC Monster Re: A view from the other side - my fog stoy
« Reply #50 on: August 23, 2011, 02:26:02 AM »
Copied from LG's thread
Ok they are not babies, lost children or teenagers and yes they are in crisis.

BUT they are misunderstood and they are lost and they are not functioning.
And this I stand by.

As a person who suffers depression I will stand by this.  I am trying to figure out how to put into words.
So I will ask a question.

How many here fantasise (when in a normal not grieving state of mind) of hurting themselves?  I don't mean in a suicidal way but just hurting themselves?

Ok, Now for me I have to be aware of my behaviours, I mean REALLY aware of them.   I am a biter or cutter.  Which means under stress (and for me it tends to be just as I am starting to slide into deep depression) I will BITE myself or take a knife and cut.  There is a scientific explanation apparently to do with pain releasing endorphins relieving the stress.  BUT really WHO in their RIGHT mind does it?  No one, you see it as wrong and silly and all the normal reactions.
But I would drive down the road last year and imagine digging the knife into my skin and twisting.  I would fantasise about biting CHUNKS out of my arms.  Now because I am AWARE of my problem I recognise it as a problem, as an indicator BUT up until the age of about 28 I didn't.
I didn't see it as a problem or an indicator.   And the thing is I still don't always recognise it straight away.  I don't, it takes a while for me to realise what i'm thinking about and why.

Now I am the one to control it BUT sure as hell if I didn't have the LOVE and SUPPORT of people around me I wouldn't have made it as far as I have.
I can't love Dearheart out of it, but I can love him through it.  I can support him even if I don't like what is happening.  There is something going on inside destroying the people we love and care for. We need to love ourselves, to heal and to move forward with our lives. To be strong for us, but in being strong for us and showing grace under pressure we give our MLCers something to look to, to aim for.  If people just kicked me to the kerb well...

Depression or this crisis can't be loved away, they will do what they will do.  I don't believe in leaving anyone though, whether MLCer or normal depression.  Their behaviour as insidious as it may be, may not be able to helped.  They don't recognise it as bad.  Just like I didn't recognise biting as bad.  And I had seen programs about it too, but, I saw it as it didn't relate to me.  I don't approve of what dearheart does and he knows that.  he certainly didn't approve of my cutting.  But knowing his love was there gave me the strength to move through the worst of it.
the thing is I had to do it myself just like your MLCer has to do it for themselves.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is a person in crisis is still lost and they will do things that defy logic (which is why normal loving mothers kill their babies with PPD).  They are lost and they are NOT stable, they are NOT logical.  You need to look after you but they are SICK just not in a "traditional" manner.  In this way they are worse then a teenager or child as they know they are an adult.

treat them with grace and respect and they may learn how to treat you right at least.  There is nothing lost by treating a person on crisis or depression "nicely" because it may be the thing that helps them learn something, and this is from experience.
You must do the things you think you cannot do.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: A view from the other side - my fog stoy
« Reply #51 on: August 24, 2011, 12:03:46 PM »
Thank you Shantilly.... I believe what you say....truly...what is happening to the MLCer is real....all I can do is love him unconditionally..he will know that I am sure...and build my life....we are legally separated now....technically married but he doesn't see me as his wife.

As close as I have come to depression I still realize that mine is "normal" as I am responding to situational grief...my feelings and emotions are normal for such an event......his, who knows? For he doesn't let me in at all to his world...all I can do is observe the changes in his behavior and pray for his healing.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline HeartsBlessing

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Re: A view from the other side - my fog story
« Reply #52 on: February 08, 2012, 06:03:32 PM »
MLC FOG=DEEP MENTAL CONFUSION WITH NO CLEAR DIRECTION IN SIGHT.   

Not to mention things are "covered over" with a "veil" that can be PERCEIVED as thick or thin, it all depends on the person going through.

The fog overlays one's perception, and "skews" it, much like what happens when one is driving or walking through a fog that's not easily seen through.

Sounds are perceived as being 'closer' or "father away" again, depending upon the PERCEPTION of the one going through.

PERCEPTION IS EVERYTHING DURING A MLC.  It may not be YOUR perception, but this very aspect plays a huge part in the midlifer's journey through the tunnel...there are times of fog/confusion, times of clarity, times of living in the past, the future, and the present.

Even if you knew exactly what they were going through, and what their daily pain and the way they were dealing with it were like, would it help you personally?   I can tell you from experience, AND from the vantage point of having been a Transitioner at one point on my OWN journey, the answer is NO, the requirements of the journey would be the same, and the aspects surrounding the journey would NOT change.

This is an aspect of the crisis that I never asked questions about when it was me; I know what 'mental fog' is,  from a common sense point of view, and the deep confusion it can cause; but knowing what this was and is didn't change ONE thing for me or anyone else going through.

Unless one has figured out a way to stop the mental confusion before it begins within themselves, EVERYONE has had bouts of confusion from time to time within their own minds; and if you remember that aspect, you KNOW what the "MLC FOG" is all about; only to a much greater scale of your own confusion.

The LBS gets a real healthy "taste" of it when their world is rocked from one end to the other; and their lives shatter in pieces so small these will never be recovered.

It gets worse, as the actions of the MLC'er gets worse, as the shock deepens the confusion within the LBS; and their own actions become more confused....trying to play fair, when there is NO real way to do this without being torn apart emotionally...and the worse the MLC'er's actions get, the WORSE the "mental fog and confusion" gets within the LBS.

Now, tell me once again how you don't understand what the MLC'er is experiencing when you watch seriously confused actions that are often matched by the deepening confusion of the LBS???

I KNOW, I was THERE, TOO.

The more questions you've all had answered, the more you seem to have; and you don't need to know every little thing there is to know, and honestly, you will NEVER have everything you THINK you need in the way of answers.

The only answers you really "need" are the ones you already have within yourselves..and you will find these as you walk forward as individuals, not as a collective group.   All in all, to reach the end, you'll each find your own perspective, your own way to wholeness and healing.

The tools have been written out; explained, and offered...what you do with them is up to you. :)

These were the aspects/Hallmarks that pointed the way toward what was happening to the MLC'ers, the life's lessons that are to be learned by BOTH people going through a journey that occurs at different times for the MLC'er, and the LBS, not to mention, the vast amount of spiritual lessons, and aspects that can also be learned from this.

My suggestion is always thus:

Get the understanding of what's going on, then get on your journey; a term that most of you seem to HATE, or have to come to HATE hearing.  :)

In my EXPERIENCED opinion, from the place I stand in now, that all of you have yet to reach,  it's a VERY FITTING TERM to what this part of your lives ARE, and have BECOME for the moment....ALL of life is a "journey" of one sort or another.

The MLC/MLT, well, it's just ANOTHER phase in this MAIN journey from BIRTH to DEATH.

During our lives, we do go through many births, and many deaths; with the main physical birth at the beginning of our lives, and the main physical death at the end of our lives.

In between, you NEVER stop learning, and you never stop walking a JOURNEY; it's ongoing, always having something to catch your attention so you can learn what's needed to get on to the next phase...and the only time you stop walking and learning is when you're DEAD. :)

Much to love to all,
HB
Our marriage survived His MLC, with the help of the Lord.
I have learned that true strength is built through the trials we endure.
There is hope as long as you love your MLC spouse, and, are willing to learn the  life's lessons that are set before you as a result of this crisis.

Offline RivenIN2

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Re: A view from the other side - my fog story
« Reply #53 on: February 14, 2012, 10:43:31 PM »
I love this thread! It reminds me to stop worrying and start moving on the path of my own journey and yes I to hated that word. It in many ways means I must confront fears that I would rather just leave alone, but I know I must face and defeat in order to move forward. I too remember the FOG of MLC, and now I wear the shoes of the LBS. In some ways it makes me ask less questions but your right in saying that it really does not matter for the LBS, just remember to learn, detach, and grow on the journey and things will get better.

Offline Shantilly LaceTopic starter

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Re: A view from the other side - my fog story
« Reply #54 on: February 14, 2012, 11:33:12 PM »
When we fight it, it makes it worse.
For us, worse for us
You must do the things you think you cannot do.

Offline Shantilly LaceTopic starter

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You must do the things you think you cannot do.

Offline Shantilly LaceTopic starter

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Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #56 on: May 12, 2012, 03:29:13 PM »
You must do the things you think you cannot do.

Offline Shantilly LaceTopic starter

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You must do the things you think you cannot do.

Offline Shantilly LaceTopic starter

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You must do the things you think you cannot do.


 

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