[sada]

The last time I got the monster (it's been about a month)  I said to him: "I get it. God is good & I just want you to be ok".
I was acknowledging his feelings (even though it was typical mlc bs) but at the same time reminding him of his faith (because he is struggling & in pain) & at the same time letting him know that I care about him.

[sada]

I forgot to include I also said "Be prayerful".

[blackice]

i tell mine he forgets who he is talking to and he better not disrespect me cause a queen doesn't take that. of course my h is weird so when i get assertive with him like that he backs down. i tell him not to project his mess on me cause i am not the one causing it and he needs to save that for the one who is then i walk off. he then runs after me like a puppy. it's so exhausting.

[LearningIamOk]

Blackice, I like your approach. They seem to like to be put in their place and need boundaries.   Seems to work for you. Keep doing it.

[in it]

I wonder about this also when we finally put our foot down in regards to not accepting anymore disrespect..who do they end up projecting at? As far as I know the only ow he has now is his mother...

[blackice]

he projects it on the ow. i put my foot down all day every day knowing full well when he gets back to his place he throws it all at her. makes my day. she deserves it. she is the one causing all his stress anyway.

[nah]

he projects it on the ow.

I wonder about this all the time.  Mine is a vanisher so if I do think about them, this is what I think about.  My H was very angry months before BD.  He talked to me the day after BD (bomb drop was a 2 minute conversation that he wanted a divorce and there was someone else).  When I asked about her, (he lied about many things such as her age) he was very defensive of her, screaming "this is not her fault".  Funny things is, I didn't say it was, i just wanted to know who the hell she was.  He wouldn't even give me a name.

Anyways, the few interactions we had the following months, he would blame me for "everybody treating him like $h!te" and how "somebody is telling me what to say", "everybody is controlling somebody", "everybody is after his money" "I"M treating HIM like a punching bag" (even though we didn't talk for months) blah, blah, blah...almost everything that came out of his mouth was ridiculous.  He was either talking about himself "I'm not stupid, you know" (he said this a dozen times in less than an hour) or her "you think I have an endless supply of money".

So now that they are living "happily ever after" in their huge house and I am virtually out of the picture, who is he blaming all his problems on?  Just checked his account again, he has less than $100 dollars.  Is that still my fault b/c he has to pay alimony?  Or will his anger now shift to the next person in front of him,....."the girl"?  Does a long period of time go by when they do realize that they made a mistake but now just deal with it?  If they are still in "escape and avoid", do they shove all their anger on the "ow" and still avoid it's within themselves?  It would give me a little satisfaction know that I had 25+ great years, and she will get all the crap that she deserves.  If it is that bad, why does it seem to last sooooo long?

[blackice]

mine tries to pin the money situation on me but he can't cause he knows it's all him. i don't talk about him to anyone so that nips that one in the bud. all his frustrations in life now come from ow. so i let him take it out on her. if he tries to project onto me how he feels about her i remind him very harshly that i am not her and i don't cause him any drama so he needs to save it for her and that is when he texts her and says all kinds of horrible things. he then goes back to his place and does it again, then they will have a few days where she kisses his butt and then it happens again. it's funny to watch but you really have to think why either one of them puts up with it.

[Hmmm]

Mine often rants about money. Yesterday he said he's living like a student. I say that's his decision or it's not my fault.

Once I list the things I'm paying for that are all for the kids (and that I'm about to have a huge pay cut which he is feeling a bit responsible for) he starts saying he will contribute more. It's like he can't control his brain-things pop out of it and then the rational side appears again.

He said I was having a go about him leaving our son on his own (I sent a couple of texts-one was expressing that it's not like him and there must be a good reason!) I said I could've been much more angry and I've been quite good about it-actually I've been good about the whole thing. That shut him up.

[Dagolark]

Money rants seem to be the standard. Mine put off moving out of his parents till he was 31 and I let him stay for free in my apartment. After bd he was talking of buying a house. Later he was complaining about not being able to afford rent. I was just kind of like. .. .uh... ok...