[toomanytearss]

That's funny.  My h said the same thing.  It took him months to ask me out and then he had to have his friend convince me because I didn't want to go.  Made him make it a double date.  I was dating someone else and only went so they would quit bugging me about it. 

I could go back to being that girl but h surely couldn't keep up now.  He barely kept up back then  lol

[a]

Thank you PD for the following quote

"The more unkindly a wife is treated, the less attractive she becomes. She loses pride in herself. She develops a feeling of worthlessness. Of course it shows."

I am at my heaviest - i have never been this overweight - and my drug of choice is chocolate and carbohydrates.

I recently read that sugar uses the same receptor sites in the brain as heroine.  If that is true then indirectly i am a heroine addict!!

Like any other addiction it's not so easy to overcome.  I often think that while i am finding solace in sugar XH is finding solace in his own addictive behaviors.  I guess we as human beings are all addicted to something. 

I watched a movie "what the bleep do we know"  (I recommend it to everyone) which showed that we are all addicted to something even if it's an emotional state.  Each emotion we experience has a chemical for it called a peptide.  So there are MOE's for sadness, victimization, anger etc. These Molecules of emotion (MOE) affect not only our brain but every cell in the body.  Anyway apparently if as humans we experience a certain emotional state on a daily basis we are addicted to it and we create circumstances around us that will trigger that emotional state. 

I guess emotional addiction is more difficult to identify within ourselves.  Maybe that's why some of us turn to food, and other external forms of addiction.  While the rest of us just recreate thoughts and behaviors that maintain our addiction to internal chemicals.

Take care
moment

[toughtimes]

This is fascinating moment, I will look up that movie. I have read about peptides but didn't really understand. I understand that through our thought processes, our replaying/fantasising about a traumatic situation we are reliving the event and thus creating the same emotional response, and a huge release of peptides. So, because our brains are addicted to the peptides we continually re think the same emotionally traumatic thoughts??? Is this about right??? 

eating lots of carbs and sugar also increases your guts production of serotonin, so the comfort of it is chemical and it makes sense.

This article might be interesting

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/gut-second-brain/

[Strongwind]

To add on to my previous post, the ex used to say to me: What have you contributed to the relationship? That left me speechless. I was devalued and made to feel useless. I read this somewhere:

"The more unkindly a wife is treated, the less attractive she becomes. She loses pride in herself. She develops a feeling of worthlessness. Of course it shows."

Paragignshift, this strikes a cord for me. I've been wondering how I went from the confident strong woman I use to be to the person I had become with H. H use to say the same thing to me. I always felt useless in the marriage because I was in school and didn't work. I was always tired from dedicating hours to studying. I feel that Chinese medicine can be equal or even harder than studying western medicine because not only do we need to know most of western medicine but also need to understand a whole different culture and theory of Chinese medicine. By the end of the program I was exhausted and H was cheating with ow to make up for my lack of presence in the marriage. I was often too tired to cook or go out for fun so he cooked most nights or we went out to eat. He helped a lot but that came with a cost. He would always throw that "What do you do to contribute to this relationship?" I would try to find to answer that would show that I counted in the marriage but somehow I just didn't feel I contributed much so it would leave me speechless too. 

A few months before BD I was becoming more conscious and paying a lot of attention to what I was feeling plus I had finished school and passed my Acupunture boards. I once told him. "I don't feel needed by you and it feels like I'm not valued in this relationship"  Guess what he answered? "I don't need anyone" With an angry expression on his face. If that is really the case and he doesn't "need" anyone why did he need to have ow to make him feel admired and adored?...Ahhrr  At BD he told me that I don't adore him...I'm too clean, to neat and that I made his hoarder mom feel uncomfortable around me. All the negative things he had never said to me came out of his mouth at BD and those are what stuck with me till now. I was so confused. One minute he was crying and the next he was bashing me.

I terribly miss the life I thought I had and I miss my little dog that he took with him to go live with alienator and her dog. Sometimes I feel that if I had just been more attentive when ow came to work with him maybe things would have gone differently. (I know she was after him) but than again if he wasn't in MLC he probably would have not done what he did?

Thank you for all your thoughts here and your sharing. It really helps to understand things better and see that most of our MLCers act in similar ways. My question: Could the MLcer's behavior b/f BD be a red flag to look out for a MLC?

(((hugs))) SW 

[HeartTattoo]

He would always throw that "What do you do to contribute to this relationship?" I would try to find to answer that would show that I counted in the marriage but somehow I just didn't feel I contributed much so it would leave me speechless too. 

SW,

I think some of these negative things that are said at BD come from the alienator.  She introduces some of these notions & reinforces any negative notions the MLCer already has.  I believe this happened in my case.  My H threw out the notion that I only stayed with him for financial security & that I didn't really love him.  This was the farthest thing from the truth.  While we were very comfortable, how much money my H made was never any factor for me.  I managed our finances to the benefit of our family.  This rang so false to me that I challenged these comments in our brief MC & H acted confused then & admitted that I had made valuable contributions to our family, despite currently not  employed & that I had never had any interest in the status items that money could buy.

At BD he told me that I don't adore him...
 

Adoration is the job of an alienator, not an equal M partner.  Yes, we can always show our partner appreciation, true admiration which is a two-way street.  Not the fawning, false, manipulative approval & adoration of the alienator. 

Sometimes I feel that if I had just been more attentive when ow came to work with him maybe things would have gone differently. (I know she was after him) but than again if he wasn't in MLC he probably would have not done what he did?

There is absolutely no excuse for infidelity.  If it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else.  I think some women have radar that hones them in on men with emotional problems & they begin to insinuate themselves into situations they have no business getting into.  Unfortunately, an MLCer is completely vulnerable to the bag of tricks a manipulative alienator carries around.

Hugs,
HT

[CallanG]

HT , I got the comment about not contributing financially . This was despite the fact that He had told me he would let me know if he needed me to contribute more . At BD I mentioned this and he just shrugged his shoulders .

Ironically he has hooked up with a woman who has huge debts !!!

Callan

[The lighthouse]

I also got told that I didn't contribute enough financially.  At BD I told him that I would help him with his debt.  He said no, it was his problem and he'd fix it.  He told me he and OW had already been discussing ways to make money.   We were about to have an influx of people in the country for the Rugby World Cup and THEY had discussed renting out the van HE & I jointly owned to tourists to make some extra cash.   

She had recently moved here and had nothing except her car (not even any furniture).  Now they have set up a business together.  He contracts himself out as a Structural Engineer and she is the director of their business... and he can't see that its all about money for her? 

I'm convinced she is in MLC too.  I think in their very foggy MLC minds they both thought they were the answer to each other's prayers and they would become rich and find happiness together.    Three years on they share a run down bedsit and H's sporty MLC car is off the road and he can't afford to get it fixed. 

[a]

Thank you ToughTimes

A very interesting article - guess i live through my gut . 

In answer to your questions - my understanding is that the physical reaction to a molecule of emotion (MOE)- from secretion of the MOE from the hypothalamus (part of brain) to response - only lasts 90 seconds.  What keeps the MOE in play and its constant secretion is our reoccurring thoughts.  So our thoughts create the secretion of the MOE - we can change this by changing our thoughts hence mindful thinking practices and meditation. 

For a really uplifting view of how our brain works another beautiful story is Dr Jill Bolte-Taylor's story.

http://www.ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight?language=en#

take care moment

[Dagolark]

I think those are just excuses they throw out, , forthe simple fact that in my case it's the total opposite and yet it happened anyway!

I have more money than x. We were living in my apartment, in fact I let him live there for free for almost a year before I moved in too... he had this thing that he had to buy a house because a man is supposed to own the house. Of course he can't afford one but after bd he was already talking of buying the first apartment he looked at! I have a career and he doesn't. In fact a few people told him this probably made him feel emasculated hence the need to switch to an inferior girl.

And I did adore him probably too much. Always starry eyed telling everyone and him how amazing he was..in fact I keep bouncing between maybe I neglected him somehow and no probably I adored and spoiled him too much. ..

Really, we can't win. Whatever they're lacking has got to be within themselves.

[StillStanding]

As for the LBser doing the work they have to do....I see that as being able to survive a catastrophic event that occurred in our life. The rebuilding comes from the tsunami that rocked our world, not because we need to change because they had a crisis.

Yes; the self-work is important for us to recover from the shock of the Bomb Drop, the Monster behavior, or discovery of an affair. We can learn empathy, patience, setting boundaries, and detachment.

I also see this time as a hidden opportunity.

People who are content with their life are rarely motivated to change things, even when their lives can be improved by doing so. And being disconnected from a MLCing spouse who has moved out is a good time to work on new habits and reconnect with parts of yourself you have neglected. Do you want to eat better? Get more exercise? Stop smoking? Start a new hobby? Pick up an old hobby? Now is an excellent time.