[Dagolark]

When I was depressed, I felt like there was a shutter of sorts pressing down on my forehead, like, closing in. Then one morning I woke up and it was gone, the pressure was gone and I could 'see' properly again. It was so liberating. And so odd how it came creeping in without me even noticing, and then vanished overnight...

[Anjae]

I know clinical depression can be, and often use, lifelong. Some people learn to deal with it/how to mitigate it. Others never do.

Youd D description of what the dark periods are for her is very graphic and telling.

Glad to know your D is open to therapy and that she is taking medication that is helping.
 
Winston Churchil used to call/discribe his depression his black dog. Churchill was, it seems, bipolar.

«“I don't like standing near the edge of a platform when an express train is passing through. I like to stand right back and if possible get a pillar between me and the train. I don't like to stand by the side of a ship and look down into the water. A second's action would end everything. A few drops of desperation." - Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

Churchill made frequent references to his depression, which he called his "black dog".

Churchill's depressive periods tended to be intense and prolonged. Sometimes they were connected with traumatic external events such as his dismissal from the Admiralty after the Dardanelles disaster in WWI.

Other times they could not be attributed to such outside causes, fitting the classic profile of serious unipolar or bipolar depression. His depressions came and went throughout his long and remarkable life, and commenced in his youth.”
 http://www.bipolar-lives.com/winston-churchill-and-manic-depression.html »

[FI_Foolish_Idiot]

Did you expect it not to be painful? Did you expect it was not painful to your wife? What have you done/felt if you saw it was not painful to your wife? Would you feel relieved or angry that she was not upset with the situation? If she was not upset with the situation would you have not run?

I always have troubles understanding why the MLCer, who inflicts so much pain upon others runs when they see the pain they have inflicted. Does the MCLer truly thinks their actions will not have consequences? That their spouses, children, friends would not be hurt?

It is like the MLCer wants to do whatever they want to do and nothing/no one should be in pain because of it.

I believe that when I was wallowing in the pit I wasn't thinking about anyone else. The things I was trying to do were (cr*ppy) diversions (that hurt other people). I was self-focused and did not factor in what I was doing to others by my actions. Not thinking clearly or appropriately. And I ran. But I did it and (obviously) regret it.

[nah]

I believe that when I was wallowing in the pit I wasn't thinking about anyone else. The things I was trying to do were (cr*ppy) diversions (that hurt other people). I was self-focused and did not factor in what I was doing to others by my actions. Not thinking clearly or appropriately. And I ran. But I did it and (obviously) regret it.

Thank you for being honest.  I truly believe this is how my H thinks.

[superdog]

Hi FI,

I have a question if that's okay. You say that you were trying things that were diversions, were you aware of that eg: saying to yourself I don't feel good and if I just do x or y then I will feel happy. Were you having those thoughts? Were you frustrated when things made you happy only for a short time, then back to square one?

Sd
X

[Anjae]

Thank you for your reply, FI.

[a]

Hi All

I have come to a decision and while i know that this site brings a lot of comfort and helps people to process their feelings as they try to find out why, why, why.  I cannot help feeling that for me personally it is difficult to GAL when i am still spending time trying to figure out my XH's behavior.  As long as i am still doing this i have not really freed myself from XH, i am still focusing on him while GAL which in itself is a paradox.

I also wonder if the only way i could cope or make peace with XH's abandonment, deception, betrayal and cruelty - is to convince myself that XH is depressed and in a bad way.  Is this the only way I can find compassion?? - if i believe that XH is in a bad place??  What if XH like most of us is actually content and simply like all humans cycles goes through into difficult times, experiences some depression, fears aging and so needs an OW much younger than himself.  With all due respect to J, Jae and FI this does not mean that how you treated your 'loved' ones is okay.  Is my compassion for Xh conditional on me believing he is having a crappy time of his life with OW or that he is suffering depression.  Would any of us find compassion if we started to believe that our MLCers are over their  crisis and are actually okay and not only okay but happy with OW.  That maybe OW is a better match for who our MLCers have chosen to become at this stage of their lives.  Is our compassion conditional on their depression and conviction that they are miserable???

It is for this reason that for the time being i need to leave this forum.  Focus on myself, leave XH in the past and make a new future for myself by focusing on my journey and not on whether my XH is in a bad place or not.  I think J's wife may have taken the right journey for overcoming her grief.  She accepted her marriage was over and started her journey of healing, which did not focus on J's behavior or crisis but on how she was going to get better for herself and for her D's sake.

With gratitude and respect to all on this forum.

To the newbies in the midst of this - i wish you courage and strength as you start your journey of healing.  It does get better, you will laugh again and you will trust again. Even at this point while i have decided to move on from this forum (for the time being) it is with a renewed strength, with an acceptance of life's uncertainties, with an acceptance that the only constant in life is change and with an embrace for the unknown.

take care
Nanamste
Moment.

[summer90]

Nameste, and thanks for giving the LBS's something they have never had in the same way before - the inside view of the MLCer.

[Back_to_me_plus_2]

In regards to the MLCer "having fun" and especially the "pleasure" they are getting from their REPLAY behaviors, I really think from everything I've read about these men as products of childhood trauma (especially) have a completely different definition of "pleasure".

My Ex-H stood in my living room with tear filled eyes and told me he has not been happy for 34 years. That is his whole life. He later said, there have been highs and lows, but he certainly had bouts of depression.

I do believe these MLCer's are completely emotional numb (chronic depression) during "REPLAY" and that it is the "forbidden fruit" behaviors that are allowing them to feel at least a little bit, maybe sometimes a lot. They are not out there "living it up" while we take care of the children and household responsibilities. Every moment is still just trying to "survive life" and not actually live it.

I believe my H came to me in a depressed state. My Dad was is a depressed man, so I always said "it's a man thing". Despite his lack of engagement and periods of isolation, emotional outbursts, pity parties, etc etc.... I loved our marriage and family unit. We were best friends. I have no regrets. I do think though, that when he married me and all, he thought that was the answer, and it didn't work. he was still unhappy. I DEFINITELY do not blame myself.

I am no longer standing because he is a clinger, and I found the cycling really difficult. I was obsessing and impatient, and I as becoming passive aggressive. I'm so thankful for this post because at one point I thought I'd completely driven him away. But I kind of figured that no matter my behavior, this thing will last as long as it will last.... nothing can shorten it, aside from death.

My point in this dump of text is that their definition of happiness and pleasure is completely skewed.

I also believe that if they're telling you they're happier now when you didn't ask, it's because they certainly aren't!!

[Songanddance]

I do believe these MLCer's are completely emotional numb (chronic depression) during "REPLAY" and that it is the "forbidden fruit" behaviors that are allowing them to feel at least a little bit, maybe sometimes a lot. They are not out there "living it up" while we take care of the children and household responsibilities. Every moment is still just trying to "survive life" and not actually live it.

I believe my H came to me in a depressed state.

This is the point of all RCR's articles.  MLC IS Depression, warts and all! 

Depressed people behave differently and that is why this forum is so good for all of us - it highlights that we are not alone, that there is much we can learn about MLC depression, our marriages and most importantly ourselves. 

No, we are not to blame for the depression nor are we to blame for the MLCers actions, but we do ourselves a disservice if we don't look inside ourselves and learn what we can do to help ourselves move forward and become whole and possibly slightly newer people.