[OneHotMess]

I noticed about 3 months after BD, When i started a new job That I couldn’t look men in the eyes. I walked around with my eyes on the ground. I remembered asking myself why. I’m guessing it was because of the emotional and verbal abuse. I decided at that time that I would not let him break me. I like to think I am not that scared little girl anymore. Yes, I still have moments but Not very many anymore. The best thing I could do was break as much contact with him as I could.

I hope anyone who has to go through this will get help. Don’t let theses abusers break you!!

[Loyal]

Why doesn't that surprise me?  Nothing wrong with them   

]It's every one else's fault.

This is exactly how their sick minds think. Mine told me shortly before he did his vanishing act that he intended on getting his own back on each and every person that (according to his lethal  MLC/C warped mind) had done him wrong and obviously I`ve been the number one on his list for a very long time.


 

All I can say in my own defense is I thought I had to put up with all this crap to have my family back. I had waaay too much compassion and understanding. They do not understand that.

However that was not what I was dealing with. That wasn't the way they thought they thought it was perfectly ok to treat me like this.They didn't see anything wrong with it.
I was heartbroken and grieving and they are abusing me? Really?

And I still feel if the LBS does not lay down REALLY clear boundaries and enforce them as to what you will not tolerate?

 They will run over you.

Every.

Single.

Time.

Yes and the sooner we realise that the better, as the longer we wait before showing them the consequences, the more DESTRUCTION they willl do

Would also like to thank you so much for this thread InIt. Thank goodness there aren`t many LBSèrs on HS with extreme cases such as ours but we`re here all the same.

[Treasur]

I suspect there may be more than we think, Loyal, perhaps quietly reading this thread as they try to figure out what they need to do to protect themselves.

[Loyal]

I suspect there may be more than we think, Loyal, perhaps quietly reading this thread as they try to figure out what they need to do to protect themselves.
[/quote[/b]

Definitely and not to forget as Nah wrote yesterday, many are ashamed for various reasons. Which I was for a long time too, not about being the victim of his domestic violence but the fact that that he was taking c, which IMO has played a major role in his destructive behaviour.

[in it]

Found online:

Lies Abusers Tell

Abusive people build their whole world around lying. So much of what they tell everyone is a lie. They may describe specific events, but exactly what happened and exactly what was said at these events is greatly embellished. That’s the one thing to keep in mind as you move along your healing journey–abusers will lie.

And not just a little white lie, either. Abusers will tell tall tales, bordering on complete falsehoods and a total departure from what actually happened.

In the beginning, the abusers will come across as everything we hoped and dreamed for. They are charming, funny, and our perfect mate. Right?

Wrong.

These fantasies they tell us are built on a lie because they have a hidden agenda. These lies are used to ensnare us in their web of deceit; it is to keep us hooked. It all boils down to power and control. Abusers lie because they crave and must possess power and control over their victims.

Lies they tell

Abusers will tell us whatever they feel they must in order to gain power and control in a relationship. You may have heard some or all of these. You may even have heard some that are not on this list.

In no particular order, the following are just some of the lies abusers will tell:

1. I love you,
2. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before,
3. I’ll go to counseling,
4. I promise,
5. I’m sorry,
6. It’s your fault,
7. No one else would ever want you,
8. If you leave, I’ll kill myself and it’ll be your fault,
9. You’re so lazy,
10. You can’t do anything right,
11. Well, you’re not getting it from me so you must be getting it from someone else,
12. I’ve changed,
13. I never said that (Or, “You’re remembering it wrong”),
14. You’re so selfish,
15. You’re crazy! You must be off your meds again.

How the lies are used

Abusers use the above lies and phrases to gain the upper hand in a relationship. They will pour out these lies to help themselves in some way, whether it’s to avoid accountability (i.e. placing blame on someone else), for material gain, to boost their ego, to avoid embarrassment, or to gain the pity of others.

They also use these lies to justify their actions. For example, if they lose their temper, they may say, “Well, if she hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have had to yell.” Abusers will also use these lies to gain our trust and love. Then, they will utter many of these lies to tear us down and make us doubt our confidence, our self-esteem, and our self-worth. In fact, these lies can cause us to doubt our whole existence. Abusers aim to strip us of all that makes us worthy in hopes of making us feel so low about ourselves that we stay in the relationship, or go back to them if we left.

After the relationship is over, many abusers will turn on the charm in attempts to win us back. They do so because they don’t want to give up the power and control. In fact, many abusers will go so far as to tell many of these lies to manipulate the masses into believing that we are the crazy and unstable ones. The abusers will tell anyone who they think will listen that we are not who we say we are and that we are actually the abusers. It’s truly sick and pathetic how far abusers will go to paint themselves as the victims and us as the abusers.

The lies abusers tell couldn’t be further from the truth. We know the truth. We know what really happened. Just keep living your truth and heal the way you need to.

[in it]

Bump

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

What is so hard is that the abused endure because of the variable of reward. In Vegas, slot machines pay off on occasion. You can't predict the payoff, it could be on the third draw, it could be two in a row. Once you are hooked, you keeping playing knowing that the next pull is going to be the jackpot!

Abusers do the same. They are great charmers and can be the kindest and sweetest people. They give just enough to hook the abuser. The abuser is drawn to the charm and they overlook the bad because of the good. It really gaslights them because of the conflict, how can they be so nice and loving and then turn into such a monster. It must be me! It must be the bad home life he complains about!

The relationship is complex and while people question the abused for staying, they fail to recognize all the layers of the spider web that traps the victim into staying. Especially the fear if they actually do try to leave. Those threats can become real.

Very good thread. Breaks my heart as I have had to report abused kids and that is the saddest part of my job.

((((hugs)))

Ready

[in it]

Yes they question the abused for staying.  Why does she stay?There's a multitude of reasons for the abused and some of them are not based in reality. They are based in fear.

But it seems no one asks the question:

Why does he abuse?

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Why does he abuse?

That is a great question and like why does the abused stay, there are a multitude reasons and most are grounded in fear.

Many were abused themselves and they see being the abuser as a symbol of newfound power.

Some desire control and see the relationship as the only aspect of their lives that they can actually control.

Some lack self-esteem and don't want to appear weak. They are meant to be in control and they will use any means to show that they have the power.

The worst are those that simply see others as objects and enjoy the ability to provide pain or pleasure for their own self-gratification.

Whatever the reason, there is never a valid reason to intentionally hurt a loved one through physical means.

My ex cheated on me, went through monster many times, lied, and stole, but I never raised a hand in anger towards her. Never pushed or shoved her.

I have dated my current wife for four years and now we have been married for five months. I have never struck her either. That is how a man handles himself.

Okay, I lied. I have gently swatted my new wife's butt. But she has such a cute butt!

((((Ready)))))

[in it]

 
I'm sure she doesn't mind that Ready