[speed racer]

Thunder, Stillstanding, dogwalker

Thank you Thunder -

Stillstanding and dog walker:

I have been taking care of myself, working out 5 times a week.
My appetite is back but I now watch myself (lost 30lbs on accident
and going to try to keep it off).

Financially, we have already been through mediation and I have refinanced
the home / split my 401k heavily on her side to come to a 50/50 agreement
on finances.  We split the kids 50/50 also.  It kills me.  It’s like I am the
only person in her life that she is not happy with.  No one else is blamed or
treated any differently - just me.  (she has started talking differently with our
12 yr old daughter - different pet names for her that she never used before and the
baby like mannerisms that she now talks to our daughter with).

Thunder given me ways to distance but keep present.
She told me to let them initiate whatever the contact may be, and be light and friendly - Great advice…  I hope my poker face don’t spoil it.  I don’t know how I can “look” happy without seeming like I’m putting on a mask.

I  believe that the both of you
(Stillstanding and dog walker) would like to “R” if possible?

What are your suggestions on the amount of detachment?


Thunder, I’m not sure if you never want to remarry him or if your just not sure if
he is through with his crisis…

Thanks again everyone,
Speed

[speed racer]

Bailmor:

Yes I seen BBhelp's postings earlier today.  Marked them and will be re- reading everything from today - tonight before bed
and all is quiet.

I apologies to everyone if I seem to ask the same questions in different ways.
Most of the time I do completely forget because I am also in my own "fog type" state at times.
Sometimes I will ask them a different way because it may get different people to post their story, perspective or insight on that particular question.

Thanks to all always,
Speed

[Head Spinner Uk]

Hi Speed,
I'm another Man in the same boat, I've had a pretty tough twelve months of crazy... my thread is I think I am Mad, and I'm sure you will unfortunately find lots of similarities.

I post less but around if you need any help or advise

Head Spinner

 

[speed racer]

Thank you Head Spinner

I going to check it out now.
Thank you,
Speed

[Thunder]

Speed, our situations are very different.  I'm older than you and have raised my kids.  They are all adults and married now with children of their own.

Also I was married before.  I was fortunate enough to get 2 MLCer's.     One was 38, the other 46.

I'm just at a point in my life where I don't want to get married again.  I love my MLCer very much but it was him who wanted to get married, not me.  So I'm fine being single.

You are in a different time in your life.  You still have kids and you're relatively young.  I would expect if your W doesn't come out of this you will marry again.

But I don't want to put the cart before the horse.  You still want to reconcile your marriage and it may happen.  Just keep hope in your heart but please protect yourself financially (which sounds like you did) and emotionally.

I would just let your W go for now.  Concentrate on you and your kids.  Make your life as happy as you can with out her in it.
I know how hard that is but it's all you can do right now.

[speed racer]

Thank you Thunder for everything.

We were late parents.  I am 50 -
I'm no spring chicken, but then I'm a proud father to a 12 and 18 yr old children.

If that is your profile photo, you look to young to be have grown children, let along be a grandparent....Lol

Thanks again,
Speed

[Anjae]

I've merged your thread into our existing one about female MLCers return stories.

[StillStanding]

Sorry StillStanding I forgot to add you and Braveheart  to the list of men.

Great advice!

I'm not around a lot, so it's easy to overlook me!

[StillStanding]

I  believe that the both of you
(Stillstanding and dog walker) would like to “R” if possible?

Yes. I believe that we can work things out still, but not until after she's finished her MLC.

What are your suggestions on the amount of detachment?

So, detachment doesn't have anything to do with limiting contact. Detachment is about learning manage your emotional responses to your wife's behavior.

When it comes to detachment, I have an old article bookmarked: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

I also have some more from Psychology Today—hopefully the links are all valid:

• Better Living through Cognitive Dissonance
  
• Disarming The Jealousy Complex
  
• Love without Hurt: Boot Camps for Compassion
  
• Marriage and the Power to be Happy
  
• Victim Identity: I'm Not Okay, You're More Not Okay
  
• What Kind of Partner Do You Want to Be?
  

About contact levels, there are several ways to go about it. I would say that your level of contact should be what you are comfortable with. If being in contact is stressful for you—hearing about her Replay antics or actions with OM—then you can tell her that until he's no longer in her life, you aren't going to respond to her attempts at contact (aside for financial or family-related issues).

I would read RCR's articles on contact levels:

• http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_contact-levels.html
• http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_contact-levels_dim-and-dark.html
• http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_contact-levels_no-contact.html

[Onward]

Thank you for the article links, SS. Very helpful reminders!