[HeartTattoo]

You will NEVER makes sense of insanity and that is exactly what you are dealing with.
That is why detachment is the only answer.   Separate yourself from the madness and get a comfortable chair.
She is going to spin out of control until she gets tired of it.
When she is ready to be logical?    You should be well rested.

This is one to copy & put on the refrigerator.

[Rookie13]

Superdog, good question and although I have my thoughts/opinions on your question (Ummm, maybe still somewhat in the 'tunnel'!), I will wait for MeNow to give us his thoughts.

Superdog, obviously you (we) would think we should be the ones who are idolized and considered saintly by our spouse's/ex's for holding down the fort and trying to limit all the damage!  Thinking MLC doesn't work that way til completed!

Also agree with HeartTattoo! (and ruggedendurance!) A nice reminder when we cycle!

[TopsyTurvy]

Sorry jumping in before MeNow has a chance to answer.

I blame my H entirely. OW is a needy young person.  She was SD friend and was a nice girl.  I have known her since she was 15. Her dad now is 70+ & mum abt 50...mum had several affairs during marriage and OW hated this. Broke up with baby's father whilst pregnant, low self esteem and if it is to be believed didn't agree with my SD when she said 'I think my dad is interested in you....please stop wearing low cut tops when you come round'.  I believe H pursued her...told her a heap of lies and in her need for a protector she fell for him.  She is without a doubt in control now and I don't like what she has done or is doing but I think she is a willing victim and will suffer when this ends.

My H got to play the knight. Shortly before BD he would take/pick me up from work.  Offer to cook dinner (he was a terrible cook) but here I failed I should have let him  try (but we would have gone hungry )

He now does everything, cooks, cleans, washes up, doesn't let her do a thing. Treats her like a daughter.

Unhealthy.

[Still Kicking]

We are not fooling ourselves to think that all is not well in la la land.  But we do have to be careful in thinking that even them breaking up will be enough to cause them to come back to us.  They may find another one or they may be afraid to face what they have done or they may never get any self awareness and will stay stuck in the tunnel. 

It's reason to hope but it is not enough to bank on as far as how things will turn out in the future. 

[nah]

I cannot say if your H is happy with OW. You would know better than anyone when you see him. Is he happy, vibrant, beaming with life? Or is he angry, lifeless, bitter, lost? If so, then he's not as happy as you think.
 

100% angry, bitter and lost.  Thank you MeNow.  You made me feel so much better

[nah]

So don't compare yourself to her. Not even close. I've never met you but I can tell you are an amazing person. Fun, smart, loving, tempestuous, attractive, classy, real - with much to offer.

So all of you, stop it. It's not you. Your spouses are crazy people. I say this from first hand experience. Crazy people.
 

MeNow...Thank you.

[Dontgiveup]

We are not fooling ourselves to think that all is not well in la la land.  But we do have to be careful in thinking that even them breaking up will be enough to cause them to come back to us.  They may find another one or they may be afraid to face what they have done or they may never get any self awareness and will stay stuck in the tunnel. 

It's reason to hope but it is not enough to bank on as far as how things will turn out in the future.

This is correct....and why the alienator is a symptom of the crisis.  MLC also has other symptoms than the alienator.

From RCR
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_pursuit-and-distance_mlcer-run-when-alienator-gone.html

[superdog]

I am with you Rookie, part of my thinking behind the question. I don't think I would ever want anyone to idolize me though, that's a bit creepy and unhealthy. 

RCR wrote something in the affair down articles about no matter what or who the OP was before, by virtue of their actions they become affair down material.

At the end of the day who cares what the OP is or isn't, it wasn't them we were married to and our spouses are entirely accountable for what happened.

SD
X

Still like to read your response though MN.

[MeNow]

Hi All,

Each situation and those involved are unique. There are definitely cases here where OP is a real piece of work. Remember that you still love your spouses who are doing the same thing as OP. Your feelings are biased.

I'll tell you from my perspective and my situation. I've said before that my OW was a decent person if you can get past the cheating with a married person elephant. I was the one who contacted OP. My smooth talk and carefully crafted words broke her defenses at a time when I believe she was vulnerable. Her H had been incarcerated for a few years. She said that my first letter to her was the sweetest letter she had ever read. I could tell she was struggling inside with what was happening between us. She kept saying I was dangerous and that's why I didn't push sex with her. I believe she was devestated  at the end as I was.

You have shown me much understanding, compassion and forgiveness for what I did. She also made a grave error. Just as I haven't contacted her again, neither has she. She respected that I was married and she was concerned for my kids. She has integrity and I believe what happened shocked her as much as it did me with what we had done. Our emotions got out of hand. Emotions can be a powerful thing.

I cannot judge any of you for your disdain of OP because many of the OPs do not care if they break up your family and steal your spouses. They are truly messed up people. And that's the thing. All of us carry baggage through out life. And it lingers in the background waiting for the right opportunity to explode and manifest itself.

One of the most important things that is mentioned here is "focus on you and work on yourself". We've got to look deep and find out what our baggage is and deal with it. There's a good chance that our issues did affect the overall relationship with our spouses. It was not THE cause for them running away.

In the end, maybe it's not so much that you hate OP as a person but you hate what they are doing. Just as you do with your spouses. Anger and bitterness will not help you to heal and will hinder you from being the person you long to be - whole, independent, strong. Anger can often substitute as strength. It's sometimes necessary (and it is human) as part of the process of the stages we go through but don't stay there. Move forward. That's why I say stop giving OP all that head space. It is nothing more than crazy making.

Still Kicking made an excellent point as she always does. Even if your spouse leaves OW#1, they may move to #2. If not, they still may not come back. They have to work out their issues. There are no guarantees.

I think many hope the OP is a horrible person so maybe spouse will come home sooner. If so, read the previous sentence again. Spouse may come home but if their issues are not worked out, good chance of it happening again down the road.

The good news is that it is possible for spouse to change. No matter the situation. It is a choice. We don't know what's going on behind the scene. I went through my life oblivious to my baggage and not having a mindset to really deal with any of it. The blessing in disguise here is that this ordeal forced me into a different mindset to HAVE to work through them or else stay miserable. Many of you stand the chance to come out of this better than before, whether or not spouse returns.

Since we cannot control spouse, let's work on our own baggage. If spouse comes home, we will be all that better prepared to have a better relationship. If not, we will carry what we have learned into the next one. Even more, this is about you. Finding your own peace, joy, contentment, strength, confidence. That's desirable and attractive in and of itself.

My best to you all 



 

 

[MeNow]

Hi All,

I wanted to clarify some thoughts on the analyzing part of all this.

It is necessary. It's necessary for you to try to understand what's happened. Necessary for the info to be out there for all to read and study. Some of you are analytical by nature so this is what you do.

Analyzing is good as long as you can handle it. For newbies and those in desperation phase, analyzing is usually harmful and distorted.  Once detachment is achieved is when you can look at your sitch more rationally.

For me, I don't spend much time anymore analyzing. If it's worth it, I will. Otherwise I'm doing my own thing.