[in it]

Thanks BH I was in that abusive cycle for so long and I didn't even see it!
The single most hardest thing for me with NC was not getting ahold of him on the phone and blast him.. thats' what they feed on is our pain. So if they don't get that feed you win!

I really felt unsatified just typing and venting on here..but it did help!

NC has been the hardest thing I ever did in the ex's case. Not because I miss him "oh so much" or give a $h!te what's going on with him.

I only know if I do make contact  (or did)  it will invalidate the DV incident.

I know a lot of people here think I'm angry and bitter. Towards the ex..maybe.  But towards men in general?
I realize what I want and need now.

And if I ever meet some one who I might be interested in again ( and he's interested in me?)

 But then won't respect or listen to me, share things with me, care about me, express some concern for me, show some compassion for me, and he takes himself too seriously? AND HAS TO CONTROL EVERYTHING.

He'll get dumped so fast his head will spin.

[in it]

For kbutter

[in it]

2 plus years of NC and 5 years divorced as of today.

Step away from the confusion, the drama, and games.

NC will heal you. Breathe. It's going to be ok.

[Thunder]

In It,

I did that.  My first H was a womanizer and very into himself.  I was NEVER first in his book.

After the D I started dating but made up my mind if I was going to have another relationship it would never be with someone who didn't put me first.  I broke up with 2 different men because they put themselves first, above me.  Just like that!  Snap! They were gone!

Sorry this wasn't about NC but what you said made me remember.  Don't ever let someone put you 2nd.

Ok, back to NC.   

[in it]

 

That's OK T Everything we post helps us get to know ourselves a little better.

[in it]

Found online:


Nothing will help you heal quicker after a divorce than putting in place the, “no contact rule.” The easiest way to get over someone is to remove that someone from your life. No contact is especially helpful if there is a lot of anger or the divorce was full of conflict.

And, before you say, “But I have children” let me stop you. Just because you have children with someone doesn’t mean you have to have constant contact with that person.

You can work around the issues that come up with children and your ex with limited contact. I’ve done it!

What is the “no contact rule?”

No contact is a set of guidelines you follow that will quickly get you to a point of peace and serenity and viewing your ex as part of your past, not your present. Essentially, you refuse any and all contact when possible.

If you don’t have children this is a simple process. It entails breaking bad habits and self-control. And, faith in yourself to get past the relationship and on with your life.

1. If you hear a song that reminds you of him, don’t call and tell him about it.

2. If you heard she is dating someone new and you want to click her Facebook profile for more information, DON’T!

3. You thought of a funny joke that will crack him up, text it to someone else, NOT him.

No contact means, no contact. Follow the rules below:

1. Unfriend them on Facebook.

2. Unfollow them on Twitter and Instagram.

3. Delete them from you cell phone contacts.

4. Removing their email address from you contact list and NEVER respond to an email from them (unless it relates to the children)

5. If you run into them in a public place, nod and move on.

Any channel you previously used to communicate with your ex is now off limits. It won’t be easy on those lonely nights at home by yourself. The temptation to reach out will seem overwhelming but, if healing emotionally is a main concern, you will play by the no contact rules.

Modified “no contact rules” for parents:

1. Have a good parenting plan in place and live by it. No negotiating the terms of the parenting plan! Doing so means more need for contact and that defeats the purpose.

2. Only communicate about children’s issues via email. Use a court approved email system so you have evidence with the court of every email exchange. Respond to emails with “yes” and “no” answers. Do not engage in arguments or attempt to defend your position via email. If she wants the children during your weekend visitation, simply reply, “No, I will pick the children up at the scheduled time.” Then ignore further emails about the situation.

3. Don’t go to events you know your ex will be attending also. If there is maximum conflict have it put in the parenting plan that you two swap dates for attending your children’s functions.  It is, of course, best to put on a good front for your children but if your ex is irrational this may be an impossibility.

4. If it is visitation weekend with the non-custodial parent you don’t need to see or communicate with your ex. Pack your children’s bags, put them by the door and kiss them on the way out. No need to walk them to the car, peak your head out the door for a look see or, show yourself in anyway. I went a two year period without seeing my ex even though we was picking our younger son up every other weekend for visitation. My son got time with his Dad and I experienced the peace of mind that came along without contact with my ex.

Parents with small children can find a work-around and, in some instances, two angry parents not talking to each other can be the best thing for the children.

[in it]

From Out of the Fog:

No Contact

Definition

No Contact (NC) - Going "No Contact" means cutting off all forms of correspondence, communication and personal contact with a person who suffers from a personality disorder in order to protect yourself from recurring abuse.

Description

There aren't many long term solutions for dealing with a person with a personality disorder. Going No Contact (NC) is a solution that is sometimes necessary to prevent recurring abuse.

Going No Contact (NC) is an example of setting Boundaries. NC is generally considered to be the boundary of last resort for a Non in trying to protect themselves from dysfunctional or abusive behavior.

Going No Contact is often a painful decision to make - as you may have to let go of the persistent hope that a loved-one will get "better".

Going No Contact is not an attempt to change a person or to teach them a lesson. If it were it wouldn't be "No Contact" but a bluff and an ill-advised one at that. Going No Contact is more about protecting yourself and letting go of the need or desire to change another person.

If you are experiencing recurring abuse as an adult you need to take responsibility that you may be 'enabling' or 'allowing' the abuse to recur to some extent. If the person with the personality disorder doesn't have the self control or capacity to stop abusing you, the only way to make it stop is to go NC. If you have grown up as a child of a personality disordered individual, it may always have been that way and that may have become a way of life for you. You may not realize that you have to make the choice to not be abused.

Going No Contact is a touchy subject. Some people don't feel comfortable with the idea of cutting off a family member for life and facing the consequences of what they or others might think of you. Making the decision to go NC is never easy and is more like choosing the lesser of two evils. It may feel like a death of sorts - the death of a relationship. You may find yourself grieving or mourning the loss of "what could have been". You may feel deeply depressed as a consequence of going NC.

Going No Contact is not necessarily a decision to stop loving the person. It is a decision to stop struggling with them and let them be who they are going to be while not letting their behavior hurt you any more.

People who go No Contact sometimes feel a great deal of Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) about it:

Fear - They may fear the retribution or anger of the person whom they have cut off. People with personality disorders have an intense fear of abandonment or need to be admired and may react destructively, vengefully or even violently when faced with the humiliation of being shut out of a family member or former partner's life.

They may also fear the misunderstanding and anger of other family members, friends and acquaintances. Some of these third parties may feel like they are being left to "deal with it" and may express anger about that . They may also feel anger at their own situation while they don't have the nerve to take such a step.

Obligation - Many people will resist going No Contact out of a sense of loyalty to a relationship, marriage or family unit and out of a fear of being judged by others. People who leave a marriage or family are often misunderstood as being selfish, over-reacting, disloyal, unfaithful petty, shallow and weak.

Guilt - People who go No Contact are familiar with guilt. They will often be subject to hoovering by the person whom they have cut off which serves to play upon those feelings of guilt. They may be made to feel like they are the ones who destroyed a trust, broke the promise or threw in the towel. In reality, the promise was broken and the trust was destroyed by the person who behaved abusively before the relationship ended.

People who go No Contact are likely to face a campaign of hoovering, both by the person whom they have cut off and by other family members and friends. It can be easy right after someone hurts you to feel like No Contact is the right way to go. However, when they start heaping all sorts of kindness and sweetness on you it can take an iron will to resist the temptation to give them "one more chance".



The greater part of NC is exercising our right NOT to be damaged by another person's words, moods or actions. It keeps us out of harm's way. It relieves us from the (often self-imposed) responsibility of carrying the other person's baggage.

It isn't about punishing them, but protecting, even nurturing, ourselves.

NC in the short term, can give us the distance from a situation or relationship that we require to gain perspective, and the time to examine our own role or reactions as well as how we feel about the other person and whether we can resolve a conflict, or if we even want to. It creates the space we need to heal, forgive (ourselves and others) if necessary, learn from the experience and either resume the relationship in order to take it in a new direction, or, if the circumstances and our feelings about them direct - leave it behind, for the betterment of both parties.

NC in the long term, isn't necessarily rooted in holding a grudge (though it can be sometimes, of course) - but rather, as part of our own decision to move on and leave behind the damaging people and experiences of our lives while we work towards more healthful relationships and living.

When is it appropriate to go No Contact?

When a person has used a threat or an act of violence against you, your children or themselves.
When there is a history or track record of verbal or emotional abuse directed towards you.
When abuse is recurring or habitual or your boundaries are consistently disregarded.
When the person who is hurting you is capable of taking care of themselves (not a child or dependent).
When you have thought it through and decided this is the best solution for all concerned.
When you are able to let go of any desire to change or fix the other person.
When you are ready to work on yourself and become the best that YOU can be.

When is it inappropriate to go No Contact?

When you want to teach the other person a lesson
When you are reacting impulsively in anger over a recent event.
When you share children with the other person.
When the person who hurt you is a child or dependent or an adult who is not able to take care of themselves.
When you are bluffing and intend to go back.

[in it]

Mlcers are trying to keep you in a toxic relationship. Found online:

Walking away is hard. Why? Because, let’s be real here, being alone is a scary proposition for most people. Even the most cloistered introvert longs for human interaction, affection, and contact sometimes. But when a relationship turns toxic, especially if you have kids in the mix, the best thing you can do for you is get out. Here are 7 reasons why you need to let go of a toxic relationship for your own health, safety, and sanity!

1. It’s better to be alone than in bad company.

Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. Staying in bad company can actually be more hurtful and harder to bear than being by yourself. When you’re out of the relationship, you can look back and analyze what happened and what warning signs you should have seen coming. This can help you be prepared if the next relationship starts taking the same turns, so you can either correct it or get out before you become utterly miserable.

This is especially difficult when the toxic party in the relationship is a family member, such as a parent, sibling, or close relation. However, the same basic principles apply. Toxic people tend to stay toxic, but there’s no good reason for you to put up with it. If they want to be miserable, that’s their choice and their problem. You deserve to be happy, even if that means cutting them out of the equation of your life.

2. Holding onto a toxic relationship prevents personal growth.
One of the key signs of a toxic relationship is one party always heaping blame on the other. “You didn’t/You should have/Why did you…?” is an oft-heard refrain. This kind of constant browbeating prevents personal growth because it makes the person on the receiving end feel smaller and like their opinion and feelings don’t matter. This, in turn, leads to a stifling of personal growth, or even reversion back to older, less sophisticated forms of dealing with stress. A healthy relationship encourages growth and dialogue on both sides.

3. Letting go of a toxic relationship creates room for a healthier one.
Toxic relationships by their very nature push aside other relationships, such as with friends, family, and even co-workers. A toxic relationship is less than a step away from outright abuse, if it isn’t there already. By being willing to let go of a toxic relationship, you are subconsciously telling yourself and the world that you’re ready for something healthier and better with someone who loves and cares for you as much as you do him or her.

4. Toxic relationships often become abusive ones.

I hammer on this point because it’s important: toxic relationships don’t have far to fall to become psychologically, emotionally, physically, or even sexually abusive. Especially if you have kids, you owe it to them to show them what an open, loving, caring relationship can be. Your children are going to follow your example, and if they see Mommy or Daddy staying with someone who constantly says she or he’s worthless or strikes him or her, your kids are going to fall into the same trap as adults. Brazening it out is your right as an adult, but you need to bear in mind that if your partner is willing to strike or emotionally hurt you, it’s likely only a matter of time before they start doing the same thing to your children because your partner doesn’t think you have the courage to stand up to them or leave.

5. Walking away from a toxic relationship shows personal strength.

“You couldn’t last one day without me.” “If brains were dynamite, you couldn’t blow your nose.” “You made me do that, you know.” All of these are flat-out lies, told by a toxic partner because your partner is trying to convince you it’s true precisely so you don’t walk out. Do not believe the lies or the hype here. Walking away shows personal strength and the courage to stand on your own two feet, without someone else rubber-stamping your daily activities or life.

6. A toxic relationship is unhealthy.

Toxic relationships lead to social and emotional isolation. They can also cause anxiety, depression, physical illness, or even lead to suicidal thoughts and actions. This ignores entirely the possible emotional and physical harm an abusive partner can perpetrate on you. You’d be surprised just how cheap walking away is compared to therapy and anti-depressants, especially when children are involved.

7. You are worth more than what a toxic relationship can offer.
alone

A toxic relationship is extremely one-sided. It’s all about one person to the exclusion of the other. This can leave you feeling worthless, hopeless, and helpless. The reality is, you are none of the above. You are your own person, with your own unique value and things to offer the world. Anyone who tells you otherwise is doing so precisely so they can keep you under their thumb. You know you’re worth more, so be worth more. Walking away from a toxic relationship is the first step to finding something beautiful with someone who will love and treasure you because of everything you are, not in spite of it.


No one should ever feel imprisoned in a relationship of any kind where their peace of mind, emotional and physical health, safety, or security is or could be compromised.

You are a unique and beautiful individual with a lot to offer, and you owe it to yourself (and your children, where applicable) to find that special someone who sees and loves you for you, not what they think you should be.

[in it]

Hound Online:

No contact is essential. Your pride and dignity are riding on it. You have the upper hand with no contact, Hang on to with dear life.

Establishing, and then sticking to the no contact with a an ex or STB is extremely difficult, at best! However, it has to be done or the viscous cycle of hell you have been in will continue. You probably want answers to many many questions, but you will never get those answers. And if you do, they most certainly will be more lies.

 There are so many things you want to say to them, but your words will fall on deaf ears.  But you can and will recover! You just have to establish the no contact, and stick with it!! Here are some reasons why the no contact is imperative:

You want to have the last word, you want them to understand the pain they have caused-remember, they don’t feel mental & emotional pain.

You want them to apologize. An apology will do what? Make you feel better for a moment? Remember they are never wrong

You still love them. You are in love with the illusion  they created of themself to manipulate you. Understand, they never loved you, they are incapable of love.
You feel sorry for them. This is an easy ploy the Sociopath uses to manipulate you back in. Do they feel any remorse or sorrow for the destruction they caused you? Absolutely not! Remember, they are without consciousness.
You want answers & accountability for things they said and did to you during the relationship. A sociopath is not going to take accountability for anything! Even if you have positive proof of their lies and deceit.!
You want to know how they could walk away so easily. They can do this because they are hollow, soulless individuals.

Sociopaths destroy us piece by piece. By not allowing contact you will be able to start putting the pieces back together.

You want to see how (or with whom) they moved on-if you have them as a friend on Facebook-BLOCK them immediately! If you snap-chat, block them. Block them on your phone. Any means of contact you have had with your Narcissist Sociopath you need to remove and/or block. All you will be doing is causing yourself more pain.

It does not matter who they moved on to next, they don’t care what is happening with you, so give them the same lack of respect! And just know, it will be only a matter of time before their next victim realizes who and what they are. Let that give you some peace.

You will find yourself, early on in the no contact stage fighting many emotions. You will have an overwhelming urge to contact your Ex, and then that feeling will subside followed by anger, then more questions and so on. This is completely normal! The end of a relationship is like a death, it has to be grieved. It is a death of your future together with that person,  a death of the love you had for them.  And during grief you are on a  roller coaster of emotions, sometimes hourly! But remember, during the no contact you will start to see things more clearly……the manipulation spell you have been under starts to dissipate.

If you feel like you just have to contact your Ex, compose an email and save it to drafts, DO NOT SEND IT.  {I will have a post about establishing boundaries if you have to have contact because of children and/or other situations that bind you to the sociopath}.

It does help to get your words out, however getting those words out to the Ex does nothing except give them control again. If you want to text because you ‘miss them’, or want to know ‘how they are’….again, you are giving back control!

They have your number, and your email, IF, big IF they  wanted to contact you~they would. But sociopaths do not work in reverse….they are constantly moving forward looking for the next source of supply. Be the one that end’s the supply source from you!

You are a strong person! And you can do this! You may have to establish the no contact multiple times because you are just crawling yourself out of hell. And it’s ok! Each day that goes by is another day YOU are healing. The scars will forever remain, the pain however will eventually lessen.  You may be starting your life completely over, and we all have fear of the unknown…try not looking past today (or tomorrow).

 The Future Happens One Day At A Time

[in it]

10 Steps to Speed Recovery from a Divorce or Breakup

by RELATIONSHIP COACH RINATTA PARIES on APRIL 5, 2012
in ARTICLES, BREAK-UPS AND DIVORCE, MARRIAGE, RELATIONSHIPS

3
Divorce can be a devastating ordeal, and recovering can be a difficult, treacherous road. Sometimes people don’t recover at all. Others, although appearing to be past their divorce, still carry the pain of it and the fear of getting close to a partner again.

A breakup of a non marital relationship can be just as devastating. The pain can be intense even if the relationship did not last a long time.

Here are 10 steps to help you recover from a divorce or breakup, plus an opportunity to work on your own recovery, faster, right now! These steps will show you how to start to heal deeply, get your life back on track, re-create your life and your relationships to be far more fulfilling than before the breakup and start on a bright relationship future for yourself.


1. Grieve deeply and completely.

Many times people are terrified of their dark feelings, such as sadness, depression, anger, etc. The intensity of these feelings can seem strong enough to take hold of your soul completely. But you need to know that although these feelings are indeed strong, they will not last forever. Nor will feeling these feelings in some way damage you or destroy you. You will feel better once you allow yourself to feel.

On the other hand, if you do not feel the dark feelings arising in you as a result of the breakup, they will last forever and will deeply affect your life and future relationships.

Go ahead and feel your feelings. Feel the anger, the sadness, the betrayal, the confusion. Avoid going into your head and obsessing instead of feeling. Avoid overeating or using other addictions to escape your feelings.

This is your dark night of the soul, the time to dip into your feelings. Feel your feelings now, and you will be free to move on with your life post-divorce or post-breakup.


2. Grieve for the future of your marriage/relationship, which now will never be.

When people come together in a commitment, many dreams and hopes are created. These are not simple to let go of, because we use dreams and hopes to guide us to our future. Look into what dreams and hopes you had created for your relationship. Then separately grieve for each one. Know that your dreams and hopes are not dead. You will re-create them again with someone else, or even alone.


3. Spend time with people who will listen to your feelings with love and acceptance.

When recovering from breakup or any devastating loss, it is critical for you to be allowed to speak your mind as much and as often as you need to. Many people are not comfortable listening to others’ dark emotions.

Listening to someone else’s anger, fear, or grief often makes us afraid that their emotions will overtake us. This is why seemingly loving, caring people often try to “fix” us when we share our painful feelings. It is important that you are not interrupted or given advice – sharing your feelings is how you will heal.


 

4. Understand what happened in your relationship/marriage.

In order for you to be able to come to terms with the breakup and to move on to create a wonderful life, you need to understand what happened. This is the part of your journey in which you will have to be extremely honest with yourself. It will do you no good to blame your ex or yourself. You need to clearly understand the dynamic you and your partner created together. You need to clearly trace the events that led to the animosity or the cooling off in the relationship.

You will have to find your part in what happened to the marriage or the relationship. You will have to look back and recognize the signs that your relationship was headed for trouble. You will have to look back and look for critical decision points for both you and your partner, at which another road could have been taken that might have led to a different outcome.

This introspection is not for the purpose of blaming yourself. It is for the purpose of returning your power to you. You are not a victim, and seeing yourself as such will only cause you more pain. When you see how you contributed to the demise of your relationship, you will begin to heal from the current breakup and gain insight that will save your next relationship.


5. Understand why you chose your former partner.

People choose relationships for many different reasons and call it being “in love.” But what many consider to be love has nothing to do with love at all. Here are few of the reasons people choose each other:

Deep need to be wanted, or wanting someone to make you feel good, loved, adored, etc.
Lifelong struggle to meet someone like his/her parents and save them or change them so as to heal childhood pain
Fear of being alone
Infatuation or chemistry, attraction
Security, support, etc.
Someone to have a family with
Wanting to stop feeling lonely
None of these reasons are bad in and of themselves; they are just not good enough reasons to end up in a relationship with someone. Why? Because they are not about connecting and having a relationship, they are about meeting your needs. When you choose partners out of need the relationship usually does not work out.

See if one of the primary reasons for getting into the relationship you are now in the middle of ending from is on this list. Which needs were you trying to meet?

If you can honestly examine and understand why you chose your partner, you will also start to build understanding to be able to choose differently the next time around.


6. Forgive your partner, forgive yourself.

Now it’s time to forgive. Understand that you and your ex-partner did the best both of you could. Understand that even when you were doing things to hurt each other, it was still the best you could do at the time. Perhaps the painful actions came out of self-defense or self-preservation.

Perhaps they came out of revenge for the pain you felt the other was inflicting. Forgiveness is a sure way to free yourself up to have a wonderful life in the future.

Do not expect forgiveness to come easily, and do not expect yourself to want to forgive. Forgiving your ex-partner is something you may have work on again and again. Forgiveness is an action you will need to take daily, or even many times a day. Think of your ex-partner and forgive, again and again.


7. Create distance between you and your ex- partner. Spend three to six months with no contact.

One thing that is so difficult about breaking up is no longer having another person around, no longer having your best friend and confidant. It is difficult to let go of the everyday interactions and the friendship. And yet, if you are to heal well, you must sustain three to six months of no contact with your former partner (or as little contact as possible in case you have children together). This will give you the opportunity to grieve and work through your anger. It will also allow the relationship between you and your ex-partner to begin again (if at all) on a different footing.

The kind of contact you specifically want to avoid altogether is having your partner meet your needs or you meeting his or her needs. If you are to successfully heal and move on, your ex-partner must cease to be a source of need fulfillment for you.

Think twice about getting your ex to help you with anything or helping him or her. You may feel better temporarily, feel less lonely in knowing there are still feelings between you, but you will feel worse in the aftermath. You will feel the old pangs of attachment and the feelings of loneliness will redouble their strength.

8. Create a supportive community.

You need to be listened to. You need to know that you are wanted and loved. For these reasons, having a supportive community is critical to your recovery. A community can be a religious/spiritual group, an online community, or a group of friends you ask to support you. Make sure your community clearly knows that you need support and how you need to be supported.




 

9. Resolve to learn everything about you and relationships.

If you are to create a better relationship in the future without repeating the same mistakes, you need to understand and examine yourself in regard to relationships. You need to know what you want in a relationship, what kind of partner would be best suited for you, what you absolutely need in order to feel satisfied, and what you absolutely will not accept.

You also need to look at your behavior in past relationships and start looking for what and how you need to change so that your next relationship can be happy, healthy and lifelong.

It is always a good idea to set yourself on a course of relationship education. Relationship skills are not taught in school, and they very much should be. Given that you ended up losing your relationship to breakup or divorce, you most definitely could use more healthy relationship skills. Throw yourself into the study of relationship skills with determination to learn all there is to know, and you will reap the rich reward of an emotionally healthy you and later a healthy, loving relationship.

10. Take great care of yourself in the process.

Divorce or breakup recovery is a stressful, painful and life-changing process. When people are going through fundamental life changes, they must take care of themselves extremely well. A good rule of thumb is to treat yourself as if you have a cold – delegate or reduce your workload, eat well, exercise gently and get lots of rest. To nourish your spirit, add in extras like a massage, taking a creative class, doing activities that you consider fun, reading, going for walks, laughing, etc.

Although recovering from divorce or breakup is not easy, it can be done. Take it gently, one step at a time, but do move yourself forward. You can succeed and come out of the process healed and eventually be ready for a healthy relationship if you follow the above suggestions.