[in it]

 
Yup currently I'm sitting near a.beautiful lake with a big drink waiting for a band to set up and plan on dancing my ass off!

[in it]

Many people misunderstand the point of the "no contact" concept, unfortunately and like to imagine that it is some sort of magic trick that will convince a former partner to run back to them.

It is actually about giving both parties in a troubled relationship time and space to figure out how they really feel about each other and what life is like without dealing with all the emotions and confusion of seeing one another and spending time together.

The reason it sometimes works in bringing people back together is that the time apart allows each of them to find out how much they miss one another and gives them time for hurt feelings, anger and old wounds to do some healing before seeing one another again.

On the other hand, if the relationship really isn't working out for one or both people, time apart can also allow them the opportunity to take a careful look at themselves and what they want and decide that they are happier moving on and leaving the relationship behind.

It can work either way and there is no guarantee of what the outcome will be

[in it]

Found Online

How can we keep ourselves and our loved ones safe from our abusive parents, siblings, or other relatives? After we have tried rebuking, confronting, reasoning, pleading, and setting limits for years- only to find that nothing works with abusers- what choice is left? And after we disown our abusers, or THEY disown US for setting limits on their behavior, how can we stay safe from their drama, schemes, manipulations, and attempts to draw us back in?


If you have not yet gone No Contact- or have only just recently done so- then some of these measures will no doubt seem extreme to you at this point in time. Your estranged family might not have tried yet to get to you and re-establish their control over your life using these tactics, but eventually they will start. And then, not only will you see the logic in putting up impermeable walls, but you will be prepared to do so and not be caught off-guard.

As always, what I write is my own opinion based on my personal experiences with abusers and their targets, and not intended to substitute for counseling with a qualified professional. I urge you to seek counseling with your pastor or a licensed therapist who specializes in the field of abuse before making any decisions regarding your individual situation.

So, what exactly does it mean to “cut ties” with reprobate, sociopathic abusers?:

TWENTY-ONE RULES OF NO CONTACT

1.   No talking to them no matter what happens and no matter what you hear.
2.   No letting them talk to you, No listening to anything they say, No "hearing them out."
3.   No letting them into your house and No going to their house. If it is possible to move, then move, get a P.O. box, and don't let them know when or where you're going.
4.   No phone calls and No returning voicemail messages. Change your number to unlisted and unpublished, and do not give it to anyone you can't trust not to give it to your abuser. Never pick up the phone. Use Caller ID or let your machine pick up.
5.   No sending or responding to e-mails. Block their e-mails, IMs, and ability to see when you are online.
6.   No meetings to "talk things over" or "work things out."
7.   No cards or letters, and No responding to cards or letters. No birthday cards. No Christmas cards. No Mother's Day or Father's Day cards.
8.   No giving gifts and No accepting gifts. If a gift is sent to you, No acknowledging it and No responding.
9.   No exceptions for holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries.
10.   No returning gifts, cards, or letters. To an abuser, that is a response. He will interpret it to mean that you are still emotionally connected to him, you still care, and if he keeps trying, he can wear you down. Just ignore all communications.
11.   No visits, including hospital visits.
12.   No letting them near your kids. If they're too toxic for you to be around, then they're too toxic for your children to be around. Monitor your children's e-mails and cell phones, changing e-mail accounts and phone numbers if necessary. Warn your children to stay away from them, and to run and tell a teacher if they show up at their school. Notify your children's school to call you and the police.
13.   No public pleasantries. If you run into them in a public place, ignore them, turn your back, and walk away. If they approach you, say in a loud voice, "Leave me alone!" and "Do not talk to me." If they persist or you believe you are being stalked, call the police. Get a paper trail started. Make a police report and get a case number so that in the future you can file charges for stalking, aggravated harassment, and any other crimes that the police or your lawyer can think of.
14.   No discussing them with anybody who has contact with them.
15.   No speaking at all to anyone who might be pumping you for information or spying on you, and reporting back to them. Cut off anyone who is not loyal to you.
16.   No listening to any news about them. If you are absolutely dying of curiosity, listen, but do not show any undue interest, do not get baited into responding, and do not reveal any information about yourself in return.
17.   No giving other people information about you or your family that they could carry back to your abuser.
18.   No invitations to your big events and No responding to invitations they send you.
19.   No responding to news that they are getting married, having a baby, getting a new job, retiring, moving, taking a trip, sick, dying, or dead.
20.   No big announcements and No telling them anything about your life- No letting them know you're getting married, moving, or having a baby. No letting them know when your children get married, where they live, work, or go to school, or when your grandkids are born.
21.   Print out e-mails, tape voicemail messages, and keep all cards, letters, and other communications in a file for future harassment or stalking charges, but do not respond.



No Contact means NO Contact. Nothing! Nada, Zilch, Zip, Zero. As if your ex-abusers were total strangers who also happen to be dangerous, psychopathic stalkers. Which they pretty much are. So why would you not protect yourself and your family from them?

Narcissists do not understand limits, maintaining a comfortable distance, taking it slow, or being cordial while still keeping someone at arm’s length. They only deal in extremes, and must be totally enmeshed with you, with no boundaries or restrictions. It’s all or nothing with them. Because of this, it’s important to accept that it is not possible to have “limited” or “occasional” contact- for instance, only when there is a big event like a wedding or a funeral. This only sends a mixed message to your abuser, who will interpret any willingness at all on your part to communicate with him as a sign that all is forgiven, you’ve gotten over your little snit, and everything can now go back to normal, without him ever having to apologize or stop abusing you.

No Contact is The End. You have already wasted your entire life trying everything possible to have a nice peaceful relationship, and nothing worked. That is why you’ve reached this crossroads. There is nothing left to try. It's over. It's time to put a period on it, walk away, and never look back. Time to finally live your life. Time to do what you must to protect yourself and your loved ones from evil people who would do you harm. If you break No Contact, you will only be sucked back in. If you keep No Contact, you will live your life in peace, freedom, and safety. And after it's all over, I leave it up to you whether you go to the funeral or not. If you have moved on with your life and left the past in the past, then you won't feel the need to.

[toomanytearss]

Thanks in it.  As someone who is done and has been emotionally beaten up through this I learned that this is exactly what you must do to move on, to heal. 

[in it]

 You are welcome TMT

After first BD I could not imagine doing this..I insisted I could deal with him and it was the only way to keep the family together to keep in contact with him. I was wrong.

I realized there was going to be pain either way and I was bound and determined to stay on the path that ultimately  brought way more pain that just cutting all contact with him.

I was so afraid to not have contact with him. It was the fear that kept me in contact with him.

Love yourself more than this. Leave them to whatever their problem is and heal yourself.

[ruggedendurance]

TMT,

The first part of healing is to get out of the blender that is tearing you apart.

To go completely dark is a necessity in many of these cases..    to be a lighthouse and an anchor is just fine if you yourself aren't sinking into the abyss...

Take care of yourself first and foremost.

The rest of the world will have to take care of itself!

[in it]

Yep- stop breaking your own heart.

[toomanytearss]

You are right about the fear.  That was the biggest thing that held me back.  I mean, this crap had to be shoved in my face hard enough to get pissed enough to not be afraid anymore. 

Whether you standing, not standing, contact, or no contact you have to learn to let go of the fear.  That's when you really start making decisions for yourself.

[in it]

Exactly..fear can paralyze you or motivate you.

It takes great courage in the choice...You have that kind of courage TMT.  Anger is a form of fear but can turned into the positive  which may be determination.

[in it]

Bump