[hyperglad]

What i mean is my H has been described by RCR as a clinging Boomerang....will his exit and reconciliation differ to that of a Vanisher.

I know there are only 3 on here who have reconciled so far and number 4 (Baxter) is almost there , but i also know that many on here have read a lot about MLC.

I just wondered if there was any consistencies in behaviour of return linked to the type of MLCr if that makes sense, I'm not sure if I have explained myself well with this 

[Patience]

Interesting question hyperglad.  I got it.  My guess is that because each mlcer is different their return will be different.  In the early days RCR said my H would likely be a clinging Boomerang.  I tend to agree.  All I know is he asked that we start spending time "dating" and then out of the blue asked to come home.   He moved home a month ago.  We are working on reconciliation.  It's hard stuff; I still become anxious a bit.  Only time will take away all of the anxiety. 

[hampc0cv]

I too wonder this.  My H is with the OW so I think he will never want to reconcile because she is in th picture.  She is controlling his life and he must like it because he is still there,.  He would never let me do this controlling thing which I would never do anyway.  Do our spouses just go on living and allowing the ow to control them or do they start to wake up and think this is not what I want and how could I have done this?  Or do they not have any feelings at all and think this is right and they have done nothing wrong.  How can they even think that the ow or om is better than what they had for all these years especially if there was nothing bad about their marriage?  What changes them all of a sudden.  What makes them do things so out of character and no one can believe what they are doing?  It is a chemical embalance or just they go crazy? 

Any input would help.

[Bewildered]

All I can say is why would they all come out of their MLC the same way - that would then make it easier for us all to work out where they are - what they are going to do next, blah blah and why make our lives easier hey!!

if only the script for the end was so predictable like the BD etc but life is never that easy

Love Bxx
 

[mercury]

Interesting question,  my guess:

I think it will opposite of how they left. 

[StandandDeliver]

Just a general interest question that maybe RCR, Stayed or HB (or others whose spouse seems to be heading out of MLC). During replay the MLCer rewrites history, especially the history of a marriage, to a point where any good times that took place in it are either ignored outweighed by what they see as either bad times/redundant relationship.

Towards the end (liminality) as the "fog" starts to lift, what happens to the rewritten history? Do good memories start to come back or increase in importance? Given that the premise of standing is that if a person waits long enough, ultimately the LBS will have the final say in whether the marriage can be reconciled, what is it that the MLCer sees in the LBS at that point that they failed to see for so long in replay?

As you all know, my H is nowhere near this poing anyway, but I am curious about whether anyone has any insight into the specific kind of thinking that starts to change? Do they wake up one morning thinking "actually, wife/husband wasn't that bad"? Does their brain suddenly access memories and feelings that were locked away, and why are they then released?

[Dontgiveup]

I have read some about this, and and have seen at least fragments of it in my friend's situation that compare to what RCR describes with her situation.

The history that was re-written does start to become positive again, gradually.  In the beginning, and at the height of the crisis, I have often seen (and heard) the word hopeless to decribe the feelings of the MLCer.  In one of Conway's books, it describes depression with several words....two of which are negative and hopeless.  It goes on to say that the past looks dreadful to the MLCer, making the present and future both seem hopeless....but because they are in denial, the MLCer typically tries changing so many things.....body, job, spouse, and belief system.

In my friend's situation, there was something his ex-wife mentioned a few times around bomb drop and was very negative about it.  About 2.5 years later, she told him she wished they could go back to that time.....her memories of that time were starting to become positive again.

I believe that as the depression lifts, the MLCer more clearly sees the strength of the LBS.  I don't think the connection between the MLCer and LBS ever really goes away.....that may be why some MLCers are boomerangers.  As the depression and denial start to lift, which as Conway describes is a gradual process, the memories that were so clouded in negativity begin to become positive again.

Just my thoughts and perceptions.

[OldPilot]

We have a thread on this somewhere I may look for it and merge this into it.

It is not necessarily at the end of replay but when the crisis is over that history becomes real again.

When they end replay that is not the end but more like halfway through.

They still must face their issues, and for most that is the problem.

They will try anything to avoid looking at themselves to fix their problems and try to blame someone else.

This can go on until after acceptance.

[Dontgiveup]

Here is an excerpt from Conway about this.

After values are sorted and realigned, a gradual, but fluctuating, coming-down from anxiety occurs. There is a return, surprisingly, to life structures quite similar to the previous ones, only now more refined, focused, and effective.

[StandandDeliver]

As the depression and denial start to lift, which as Conway describes is a gradual process, the memories that were so clouded in negativity begin to become positive again.

That is really interesting DGU, do you know if MLCers every have "clearings in the fog" moments of clarity, when in the thick of the worst of the crisis, or is it at that point that confusion gives way to "certainty" that the marriage is over, that life HAS to change to make them feel better about themselves? I know there is confusion, but does that mean that there are times where they question their own revision even during crisis?

I know these are general questions, it is just so hard to understand what is going on in their heads...