[OliveOyl]

I've seen a few threads where one says how they have become the opposite of what they were before.  I feel like I'm the same, which can't be good. 

Anyone have examples of how you have become the opposite and do you work on staying the opposite as part of the new you?

[Glimmer]

Hi Olive Oyl

Like you, I felt I was still the same, but now I have sat and thought about it I realise I have taken over Hs role within the home.  I have tackled jobs I would never have  had confidence with before and would have left them for him.

I have wallpapered our huge living room with a very high ceiling. Three decorators wouldn't take it on. It took me a long time but I must admit  I did an amazing job. H said he was really proud of me as he wouldn't have attempted it and said I did a better job than he could ever have done.  I have climbed and sawn branches off trees, changed plugs and built flat pack furniture.

It has given me the confidence to tackle any other jobs around the home, without running to H first as I would have done previously.

I always relied on my H before for things like that.  I am more independent than I used to be as I no longer rely on my H for anything. If he offers to do odd jobs fair enough, but I will not ask him to do them.

I have surprised myself and it feels good.

[hampc0cv]

Glimmer,

I have never felt I have changed but from what you have written, I have.  Me, like you depended on my H to do things like that around the house.  There was so much that needed done while he was still at home and he never would do.

The gutters needed cleaning out, my oldest daughter and I did that.  The trim on the house needed paintng, we did that. The bathtub needed refinished for over 5 years and i did that. (It took me about a hour) he couldn't even do that.  I am now working on the shower floor to repair a crack in it.  It was cracked when he was here but he never would fix it.  I now carry the salt to the water softner which he would do because I have carpal tunnel and it is hard to pick up heavy things but I do it.  It is hard but I can do it.  My h has not been in contact with me since july of 2010 so he doesn't have a clue what I have done and that hurts because I feel he doesn't even care about us but that is his loss even though I would love to hear from him.

He also always worked on our vehicles and has not even offered to do that.  As a matter of fact, he refused to put new brakes on my vehicle when he said he would and he put the ow brakes on the week before he walked out and mine had been sitting for 6 months.  I took my vehicle to my mom's mechanic and he fixed everything on my vehicle and charged me very little labor.

I know it hurts to think that the man we have loved so long and depended on and took care of has left us stranded and doesn't care.  I dont' know about you but I could never do that.

Hugs to you

[What Next]

OliveOyl

This is a good one!  I read the same over and over and part of me panics at the thoughts of being the opposite of who I am.  I have a lot to change about myself because I now recognise that I had not contributed fully to my marriage and whatever the outcome of Standing, I want to be able to contribute fairly and honestly in life and in all my relationships.  But it's daunting and I am still trying to process ' the opposite of who you are' because there is a hell of a lot I like about myself. 

I read the posts from Glimmer and hampc0cv and that gives me hope.  I am often described as independent but I always argued that I wasn't.  Since H has left I too have had to face faulty heating systems, car problems (major one this morning - just about avoided a collision on the motorway which wrecked my front wheel - another story) and home decorating.  I am amazed at myself but a little ashamed as well because I know I should have been more of a participant in those areas of our marriage.  Is that me becoming the opposite of who I was, I hope so.  I think I was basically lazy and I know I don't want to be that person again, not just physically lazy but complacent about my relationship.  I am taking that forward and paying a lot more attention to my other relationships - with my girls, my sisters, my work colleagues (I find myself being incredibly understanding of people's moods at work - not my usual approach) and my friends.  I want to invest more time in relationships before I just wanted to go home and shut the door and no one bother me! 

I know I am not quite there yet but I think this is one side of this situation that I can embrace and learn from.  OliveOyl - this discussion thread has given me a different focus for today, I needed to think about something other than my feelings about H - thank you!

[Still]

The biggest change in me is that I am no longer afraid of the world. I used to be very intimidated about things....making phone calls, scheduling appointments, ordering things. Nothing has ever scared me as much as my H no longer loving me.

I tackle absolutely anything now. I am no longer timid....actually I have become quite bold. I repair household appliances, I schedule maintenance and car repairs, I operate lawn equipment, I remodel rooms, I fix flooring, I repair holes in the wall, I hang crown molding, I climb ladders to repair roofing, and I even find a way to remove lids from jars (all by myself!).

My H once told me I was too dependent on him. I haven't so much as asked him to reach a can from the top shelf in nearly two years. Oh, I take that back. I did ask him to please call to see if his mother was home to take a present to my FIL that I made for him. He said, "I suppose, if I have to." (Ugh, they are his parents.)

[OliveOyl]

I really struggle with this, which is why I don't feel like I'm changing.  I've always been independent.  My H always told me "you don't need me".  I did most things myself, especially financially.  I always responded back "I do need you, just not the way you think I should".  So what I struggle with is changing in the middle of this to the opposite.  At this point, there is no way I will lean on him financially, so that won't change.  I also don't think that now is the time to have him in and out of the house to do things. What's left?  The way I treat him and respond?  The last few years, I've left him to himself.  Not engaging in conversation, not really listening, responding or reacting defensively?  Working on these would be changing, right?

[hyperglad]

For me

I was sssooooooo impatient....still am but far less so than before

Snappy and often intolerant....put things into perspective now

didnt listen enough.....I do like to talk but now know the importance of real listening and hearing the words.

Sharing chores...I thought because I was the main bread winner, I shouldnt do as much as H....wrong

Self reflection....looking at myself how otherwise may see me...not how I see me...

Taking me time...always too busy before...even a bath took too long

Giving time for others....I now realise the importance of this now


Not taking anything for granted....appreciating what I have..I could go on...i must have been real bad LOL

[What Next]

OliveOyl

Not engaging in conversation, not really listening, responding or reacting defensively?  Working on these would be changing, right?

I think this could be the first step for you.  For me it was about doing more, though my H always accused me of being too independent also but he meant emotionally.  He thought I would never care if he left or died.  This was said over years and not as part of MLC spewing.  God was he ever wrong and did I know that, no!  Last night I left the house three time to go to the back of our garden (freezing temperatures by the way) and just hold myself in silent screams and physical hurt from missing him.  I know I have to get through this and to recognise that in my relationships I have to show a dependency I never did before.  My children would tell you that H was the most demonstrative parent.  Does that mean they don't feel loved by me, no but they do miss his physical affirmations of love.  I am learning to grab them as they walk by and to hug them.  I always hugged them in the morning and at night or when we were parting ways in the day but never spontaneously. 

I feel I have reason for my emotional detachment from people.  It comes from my childhood and from a sense of being let down so many times by parents and siblings that I built a defence field around me and just relied on myself.  I love intensely but no one sees that and H obviously does not feel it.  God I wish he could have felt it as I stood shivering with cold and pain last night!

I dont know if that helps to describe some of the changes that for me are opposite to how I was perceived before but not necessarily opposite to how I was / am.

[ece711]

In what ways have you become opposites of what you were?  This is a good question.  In my case I got to the point where I thought that everything that I have accomplished or gained was because of "our/my" hard work, luck or coincidence...  I/we totally took out "God" from the picture.  I don't want to sound religious or so but it seems that before... we go to church every Sunday but it was out of obligation.  When this Crisis happened to me I did a lot of soul searching and I realized that I couldn't do this on my own I needed God's help and guidance.  I started to realize that even the smallest/tiniest thing that I receive or give is because of His blessings.  As an example:  Having a good sleep... I now am Thankful for,  Having food on the table... I now am Thankful for, Having a Job while other people are struggling to find one... I am Thankful for.   Hmmm  sounds like a "Thanksgiving theme" .   I don't want to sound religious and bore everyone... look around you, observe, the friends that you gain from this experience, this site and the people sharing their experiences, this are all blessings from someone (a higher Power).

[OliveOyl]

His Angel,

I am the same.  I learned how to build walls around my heart and I think I never really let H in.  I don't feel like I can let him in now, but would like to in the future.  This is how I needed him and he could not understand it.  He didn't let me in either.  I think we only let each other in at a shallow level, he didn't or couldn't share his emotions and feelings.  I think I responded or mirrored to the level he was willing to go to.  After so long, it wasn't enough for me.  Now, with all that's happened, we are both unwilling to be the first to be open and honest without getting defensive.  I find this hard for me to do when he has someone else to go "home" to.

I am sorry your are in so much pain, and missing the H, the best friend, the person who comforted you when you are down.  This happens to me too.  I do find that I am missing less and less, and when I do, I bounce back quicker and go on.  I don't like the H as he is right now, he is not the person I loved right now and I don't trust him enough to lean on him in any way.    Maybe this is something I need to work on changing?  IDK...