[FrenchHusband]

Yes I fear you are right, SIL is still/again in MLC.

One thing that rang a huge bell when I called her : I told SIL that praying is helping a lot (she is very Christian) and she told me that, since the death of her father, she is not able to say anymore "Our Father". That sounds totally MLC.

I plan to call her from time to time. It is a so easy to help her. I would be delighted if someone could do that for my W

During my last holidays I have spent time with SIL as we were 3 days to my brother's home. She was very happy to announce me that she is seeing an IC every two week (my strong suggestion) and she is adressing her FOO wounds. She looked to me a lot better than she was in July and we had a lot of discussions and good time together. I talked a bit about W but without details and without any inputs regarding OM. My brother is not the best husband in the world (not the worst) but he has done progresses. I am happy for them. I would love that someone with good intentions talks with my W as I have talked with SIL, but it is totally beyond my control.

[UrsaMajor]

I would love that someone with good intentions talks with my W as I have talked with SIL, but it is totally beyond my control.

Not only is it beyond your control, unless the Mid-Lifer is really willing to listen and consider what the person has to say, regardless of how well-intentioned they are, that person will just be slagged off and lumped into the "against me" crowd. 

Very similar to an alcoholic - until they WANT to get off the sauce, until they see a need to stop drinking, anyone who suggests they have a problem is the enemy.

[FrenchHusband]

[quote ]
an update with SIL's story : she sent recently a mail to me
"thanks for you calls from last month. They moved me, I decided to go in IC in order to go throught my dad's grieving process. I have met a very listening woman who told me "you are through a crisis that is not one of the least"

That rang a bell for me so I called her and it seems to me her dad's death last autumn is making her coming back in the crisis. I fear that she is not fully healed and she is entering a second round of MLC even if she denegates it. I am happy for her that she is in IC. She told me that she considered in the past IC is throwing money out of the window, and I told her that in the contrary it is an investment for her and also her children. What she is dealing with her IC is clearly FOO from what I understand.
[/quote]

So I give some news here from SIL as we have spent nice holidays together. She is working will with her IC, and she looked a lot better to me, beaming and joyful during our time together and the walks between sea and mountain. She also confided to me that her mother (who is currently in last stages of life) said to her "ILY" for the first time. So I am SO happy for SIL. I will continue to phone her from time to time and I will probably see her in the next 6 months, IMO she is going out her second MLC/T. First one lasted 4 years, was mild from what I know, and was not really finished as she had not worked on herself.

[Songanddance]

I equally do not think that when an MLCer shows remorse or regret, it means that they have done the work on themselves.  No - to me,  it just means that they have recognised what they have done and are choosing to apologise for their actions.
Working on oneself is a choice and some LBSers and MLCers will do this.  Maybe together or maybe apart.

This is not a return anecdote per se; however it might help the newbies who probably cling to this particular thread.  Last night H told me so much more about his time with OW.  I listened and simply said at the end " And yet you chose to be with her and stay with her knowing how psychologically disturbed she was" (what he said she did to her adopted daughter was appalling). You chose to give up your life with me and the children for her? I have difficulty really getting to grips with that."

His reply was " I thought I could help OW (rescuer mentality - knight in shining armour). What I didn't realise was what a caustic, toxic person she is - how she could be so charming and engaging and underneath an absolute b****h.  "
And then  " I made the biggest mistake of my life getting involved with her - I lost everything, my family, you my wife, my home, even my business which has never been on track since meeting her. I cannot explain how much I regret this.  I only know that you were never out of my thoughts. "

I just said "  Thank you - yes you did lose everything and it's been nearly 11 years. "

H was shocked at the length of time -- and when I told him the date of BD - he physically shook and when I said I had forgiven him but I would never forget - he hugged me and said "Please don't forget, I don't ever want to do that to you again"

Did it make me want to reconcile? Not particularly. Did I feel grateful that he said all of this because it was something that I had always wanted to know?  Partially; you hear about it in the few return stories we get and it was interesting to see that I was getting something similar.

More importantly H hasn't directly asked to come back and reconcile. He's dropped hints which I've chuckled at.  It's not because I have moved on; it's just that he's not emotionally ready and may never be.

However hopefully this anecdote will help newbies see that whilst returns are not guaranteed, the MLC can return to the LBS and can show genuine remorse and love.  It's not their choice though to reconcile - it has to be something that both LBS and MLCer are genuinely and emotional capable of. 

Oh and BTW 18 months after finishing with my H the OW married someone new. 4 yrs on she is getting divorced for the second time in 9 yrs (she didn't divorce her first H until a year after she met my H). 

[Treasur]

It’s a sad truth that they do destroy these things, don’t they? Whether we or they like it or not.

I recall a time when hearing those kinds of words mattered to you, Song. I suspect from what you said your perspective is a little different now understandably but I hope it was some small salve regardless. X

[Mermaid]

It’s been 15 years since BD.
We had a rocky few years with his EA and need for space… but he can hardly remember that now and has rewritten his story. He says he has always loved me and always will. He says sweet things to me every day, and we go to sleep holding hands. We sometimes have arguments, sometimes I think he’s impossible (and so am I), and we bicker a lot about nothing important.
Most of the time I don’t think about his MIL at all, but sometimes something will remind me, and I remember how unfair it is. But when I start to go down that rabbit hole, I remember that he was not himself then. He’d changed, radically, and everyone could see that he was lost, burned out, and confused. It helps me to remember that.
My youngest daughter was 13 at BD, and was aware of a lot of what was going on. She’s now an adult, a psychologist and one of my best friends. We spoke about it the other day, although she thinks it should now be buried, and she said it was so obvious that he was lost and his behaviour was strange. He was strange with everyone; his friends , children, mother but mostly me. It does help to remember this in order to bury it again.
He’s 66 now, still exhausted but not burnt out. He’ll be retiring soon and we’re looking forward to spending our old age together.

But as cosy as that is, my biggest takeaway was that we need to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy with anyone else. That’s still true today.

Have courage, MLCers, whichever way your story goes, and be happy with yourself.

[xyzcf]

Mermaid.....am smiling reading your update. Especially your "understanding" and compassion for him.

Continue to have a wonderful life! As we know, no one else can make us happy..that is up to ourselves.

Your contribution of so many psychological aspects of MLC was always very helpful to me, and, am smiling again..because you have shown us again, as other long timers have, that we make it through...we truly do!

But when I start to go down that rabbit hole, I remember that he was not himself then. He’d changed, radically, and everyone could see that he was lost, burned out, and confused. It helps me to remember that.

she said it was so obvious that he was lost and his behaviour was strange. He was strange with everyone; his friends , children, mother but mostly me. It does help to remember this in order to bury it again.

I just returned from spending 11 days with him with our daughter and son in law.....14 years later he is "better" but still not great. You often explained anhedonia, and that would be the best word I could use to describe what he is like now.

Take good care!

[Mermaid]

xyzcf, hello my old friend!

So good to hear from you... you sound like you are in a better place. That's the main thing.

 

[xyzcf]

Definately in a much better place 

[WHY]

but he can hardly remember that now and has rewritten his story. He says he has always loved me and always will.

Thank you for posting.  I dont think I'll ever wrap my head around this.  I know for a fact that right now, 2 years post BD with a SAHM wallower, there is absolutely no way she feels this way.  Not a chance.  NO, in this moment, there is zero love.  It's outright hatred.

Sure feelings can change down the road.  But it's like those feelings down the road also get rewritten, just like her feelings now have been rewritten.

And that's what I'll never understand.  How can someone just rewrite feelings like that?  And these are not small feelings.  It's feelings of "let me inflict maximum torture and pain" to "I always loved you more than anything".

NOPE.  Thats a mind truck.  I'll never understand it.