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From Stayed
I thought I would add the stages of grief that we all go through with a relationship breakup.

1. Shock: "What the hell just happened?"

2. Denial: "This is so not happening."

3. Isolation: "I just want to sit in this all by myself."

4. Anger: "I hate you for breaking my heart!"

5. Bargaining: "What will it take to get him/her back?"

6. Depression: "I will never get over him/her."

7. Acceptance: "I understand why I was with him/her, why I'm not now, and that I will be better than just OK."

Some keep it a bit simpler:

1.  Denial

2.  Anger

3.  Bargaining

4.  Depression

5.  Acceptance

Several versions actually... but we all definitely go through them.

[bipolared]

I bounce around with the anger stuff.  I know it is important to feel it but then again, I don't want to feel it to the point where I am bitter.  That seems difficult at times.  Most of the time, it is just sadness underneath.  I can have a good time, smile, enjoy my kids-but I still feel the sadness.  Especially lately where D18 is getting college acceptance letters, a job, and so many milestones.  But i do remind myself that I have so much to be grateful for and I am able to notice and appreciate much that kind of slipped by me before.   Maybe I am between depression and acceptance?

[31andcounting]

Each and every stage is very important to work through.  We become stronger and happier with each, I think!
Just attaching!
31

[patience.of.a.saint]

I bounce around with the anger stuff.  I know it is important to feel it but then again, I don't want to feel it to the point where I am bitter.  That seems difficult at times.  Most of the time, it is just sadness underneath.  I can have a good time, smile, enjoy my kids-but I still feel the sadness.  Especially lately where D18 is getting college acceptance letters, a job, and so many milestones.  But i do remind myself that I have so much to be grateful for and I am able to notice and appreciate much that kind of slipped by me before.   Maybe I am between depression and acceptance?

This is me too, only minus the D18.

I rarely feel angry, don't bargain with him as I know what he'd still choose. Depression is a tough one, but I am better able to recognize it and pull out of it more quickly each time. And acceptance...don't think I am quite there yet. I do know that I will be ok without him, but am sad that he's not here...like you say, sadness underneath. I am closer to my kids now though, and for their ages, maybe that's better anyway? Can you have depression and acceptance at the same time? I teeter back and forth between the two I guess.

[stayed]

lol perhaps you can accept that you are depressed Patience.of.a.saint, hehehe.  Actually I do think intense sadness is a form of depression.  When I actually was convinced that my h and were DONE... I felt terribly sad... like empty... hollow inside.  I wasn't angry, I just unbelievably sad.  Profoundly sad, I guess is the way you would describe it.

I would get to acceptance and then something, something small would trigger me and back I went. I didn't find anger until after we started to reconnect.  It really pi$$ed me off, that all these years had been wasted, but making it even worse, he was so RESISTANT to owning what he had done.  Which was even more time wasted.  OWN IT FOR GOODNESS SAKE... admit what you did, show sincere remorse. 

There really is something wrong with their reluctance to ADMIT a mistake, a fault.  We were talking about one of the kids recently and I said to him, "does it worry you that our children might do what you did".  He became quite angry and went to great lengths to assure me, that he didn't feel any guilt or concern that they might follow in his footsteps.  In fact, he felt that having seen what we went through it should be a deterrent!  I said to him quite calmly, "don't you think you are protesting a bit too much.  I asked you a simple question, I was no accusing you of anything.  I know that if I had been in your place and did what you did, I would blame myself for ANY unhappiness or problem in the marriages, as a direct result of my actions.  He became quite angry again and told me not to be RIDICULOUS!"

Odd, I find it a relief to admit when I am wrong.  It makes my h angry.  It always has and it still does. 

hugs Stayed

[Songanddance]

wasn't the only person who couldn't believe he had left me either.  As the news slowly trickled out, everywhere I went, I had to deal with utter disbelief.  I cannot tell you how often I heard, "you were the last two people I ever thought would split up"!  Or, "OMG, if you two have split up, there is not hope for our marriage"! 

Are you able to identify the stage you are in?  Do you find it helpful to understand what YOU are going through, being able to say, oh dang, I'm angry again... sure will be glad when I work my way through this "stuff"?

Do you find you are less "depressed" then you were, or more so? Are you still "disbelieving" as much as you did at first?  Do you still feel shocked? 

Goodness me Ladies and gents - You have been busy. I have pasted this from the previous thread.

Yes Stayed Ditto to the first paragraph. Not one person I know who found out said anything like "well you two weren't getting along."  No it was that we were the model R and marriage. One younger person said - I look up to you two and you were my role models for my marriage!! 
Re identifying the stage .... I think we are also in a fog but it's our own version. 
I was listening to my current guru Lee Baucom from his thriveology site. It's about the fog that we face when we have had a shock and how we lose direction and how the fog returns from time to time. Listen to it - it's absolutely fascinating and excellent for those LBsers who have got over the initial shock and anger stages and perhaps like me are over 18 months in wondering when they are going to get a clear head.
http://thriveology.com/how-to-get-through-the-fog/

[patience.of.a.saint]

I actually wouldn't say that I am depressed because I have been there...pretty much when I should've seen him going deeper into it. BD was a wakeup call of sorts. I read and read about things to do with him, and most applied to me as well, so I have worked on a lot. I believe that I am in a much better place a year later. I completely changed careers and now I have a dream job with a lot of variety and I can make my own hours so I can be with my kids, pick them up from school, attend their after school events, etc. I've made some new friends because of what I do. Money is decent. Life is actually pretty good right now.

My sadness only comes when I wish I could share my happiness with him. My job takes me on some crazy adventures that I know he would have enjoyed. There are adventures to be had that I am not brave enough to do myself yet, but I do know that will come. I took my kids tent camping on my own last summer, which is something I never ever thought I could do without him there to keep us safe. Mind you, I had a can of bear spray next to my pillow...and we were in a state with no bears, but I did it & we were ok!

So I don't know...maybe I am closer to acceptance than what I think. I never ever expected him to return in a year or two... I give it 5...3 at the least. My other MLCer has been at it for almost 10 years now. I really have no expectations...just the hope that it's not 10 for this one because I'm not waiting around that long.

[HeartTattoo]

...he was so RESISTANT to owning what he had done.  Which was even more time wasted.  OWN IT FOR GOODNESS SAKE... admit what you did, show sincere remorse.  There really is something wrong with their reluctance to ADMIT a mistake, a fault.  Odd, I find it a relief to admit when I am wrong.  It makes my h angry.  It always has and it still does. 

Stayed,

I wonder if this isn't why it takes so damn long  ?  They just cannot face the enormity of this thing & own up to it.  I wonder if inability to admit mistakes isn't part of the risk profile for MLC.  Rather than admit to not being perfect in the M, having feelings of failure, of not living up to expectations (their own, what they perceive to be ours, others) they find it easier to run away to an adoring 3rd party instead of talking it out with us.

Yes, I can see that my anger stage might well come with reconnection    .  These LBS's reconnecting on the forum seem to have the patience of Job. 

  I wasn't the only person who couldn't believe he had left me either.  As the news slowly trickled out, everywhere I went, I had to deal with utter disbelief.  I cannot tell you how often I heard, "you were the last two people I ever thought would split up"! Not one person I know who found out said anything like "well you two weren't getting along."

Absolutely the same.  My family was astounded, thought we had one of the two most solid M's in the family (8 siblings). 

One younger person said - I look up to you two and you were my role models for my marriage!! 

My younger son's exact words to H at our family counseling session.  He proposed to his GF two months later.  DIL's comment was interesting--she had been with S & around us for the same length of time it turned out H had been with the OW.  She was thrilled that unlike her parents we got along, liked each other, & did things together.  After BD she said H was kind of like the serial killer who lives next door & you thought was such a nice guy, but turned out had bodies buried in the yard  .

[stayed]

I've wondered about that unwillingness, actual complete resistance to admit to making a mistake.  Like what is with that?  Everybody makes mistakes.  Get over yourself.  My h has always had a problem with that.  Funny thing though, it must be common because I saw on Jimmy Fallon, a skit where the two men were trying to say... "I wwwwaaaassss wwww  wwwww   wwwwrrr   rrrrr rrrr ooooong"!  Then they laughed and laughed.  I thought... NOT FUNNY GUYS!  Not funny at all!

  After BD she said H was kind of like the serial killer who lives next door & you thought was such a nice guy, but turned out had bodies buried in the yard  .

Oh wow!  She's right!  It is like that... ugggh! 

hugs Stayed

[nah]

At work  ...,attaching to read later