[Slow Fade]

When I asked my s11's IC about Mid Life Crisis he said that he was very familiar with a "grouping" of symptoms and actions that people call mlc, but he wouldn't put that name to it. Well, a rose by any other name as the saying goes!

[Family man]

I have at least six friends at the moment who don't even realise their spouses are going through a mlc but to me it's plain to see

[Jackolar12]

Hi Neo , I can see your point of view in this but without impiracle evidence it won't stand up to scrutiny. The fact nothing has been proven about Mlc raises doubt to the factual existence of this phenomenon really exists. My point however smalll the sample globally on this site of approx 2600 affected left behind spouses is significant to the western world as if it was Ebola  in such a small sample we would be on red alert.
Regards
Jackolar

[terrified_in_TN]

... My point however smalll the sample globally on this site of approx 2600 affected left behind spouses is significant to the western world as if it was Ebola  in such a small sample we would be on red alert.
Regards
Jackolar

  This is over my head, but also how many people have went through divorces that never found hero spouse?  Also, I can't recall where I read it, but it seems to me that "MLC" is not present in some other cultures...specifically less advanced cultures that have "rights of passage".  In short, it seems to be a phenomenon only present in the "westernized" world...

-T

PS  I like the attorney's take on it-"This is how they were all along, they just got tired of playing along."  I hate to be cynical, but lets face it, we live in a "me, ME, ME!!!" society.  As long as the lawyers get PAID, do they honestly care what the cause of divorce was?

[RoseTint]

I stumbled on a scary reason...  because counselors and mental health professionals don't know A THING about MLC!  A few months ago I was trying (desperately) to find a support group for MLC.  NONE exist.  I was so desperate that I was even trying to find a group for the MLCer, in hopes that the leader (counselor, whatever) would put me in touch with the spouse of the MLCer.  Again, none existed.  There is a very large, very good teaching hospital in the area with a mental health department and even THEY had no resources.  THEY referred me to other entities, all of whom had no resources either.

Well, in one of my many phone calls, I was speaking with a professional counselor (not sure what their credentials are) whom I asked if she had any resources for MLC, she said "yeah, me".  In other words, she had "gone through" a MLC.  She went on to clarify that "EVERYONE goes through a MLC".  Trying not to sound like I was the authority on the subject (since I'm not & I wasn't the one in the conversation w/ the credentials), I told her "my understanding is that EVERYONE goes through a MLTransition, and you only experience a crisis if you have (major) issues from childhood".  She sounded as if she had gotten a little offended & defensive after I 'suggested' that.

Now, please correct me if I'm wrong, but, I'm pretty sure I'm right about how that works(?).

Anyhow, in my mind I thought no wonder I can't find any resources other than online, because not many people understand (in as much as it can be understood, lol) MLC!

[terrified_in_TN]

Rosetint, when I was early on, that was one of the FIRST things I did-try to find a support group to cater to MLC.  Non-existent.  I probably would have had better luck locating a real live unicorn.

Plenty of "divorce" support groups...LOTS of those, but none specifically catering to MLC.

-T

[kikki]

Rosetint, I think many of us here on this board had similar experiences to you. 
The contrast between the persona in the year prior to BD and BD itself, was such a contrast to who our spouse was before that we just KNOW that something serious is up.

I too searched in vain for help and support.  Nothing at all forthcoming until I found this site.

[RoseTint]

Hi TN,

Yes!  PLENTY of divorce support groups.  Just don't feel as though I fit in there.  I would love to see at least a 'Separated' support group.  Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for online groups, but, I would really love to get together w/ people IRL.  I'm feeling as though I NEED more support in my life because of going through this.  Who couldn't do with more friends on a good day, let alone a terrible season?  As it is, I have a very small support circle & know I need more support now.

Haha, here's another reason!  I am having a terrible time posting anything.  I can NEVER read the verification codes & am constantly being told the letter I typed don't match the picture.  It makes me want to give up posting.  :\

[RoseTint]

Hi kikki,

Yeah, that contrast is pretty drastic!  Not kidding, I think I have PTSD because of it.  I never quite know how to put it into words, but I feel so much 'trauma' when I think of how it all has played out. 

[Medusa]

I probably would have had better luck locating a real live unicorn.

LOL!

I tried a support group for people whose spouse weed having an affair. It was clear to me about half the people there had an MLCer, but they all had their heads shoved up and were convinced of they followed the literature, their wayward spouse would come home. The moderator was absolutely clueless about MLC and shut me down the couple of times I mentioned it. And then months after I never returned they emailed me to see why I stopped coming. If you can be open enough to listen and learn, you aren't being supportive.

Overall, I agree with Neo. I liken MLC to MS (which I have).  MS is a difficult disease to dx. Like MLC, there are certai similarities (e.g. Script) that patients will exhibit, but they are not universal. There is no true course for the disease. Some are lucky, like me, and have a very mild case. Others fare far worse, like a friend from HS who died in here 40s because of the awful disease. The medical community doesn't know the cause of MS, but research thinks there are multiple factors that contribute. Many people don't have a clue about MS. Can't tell you. The number of times I've patiently explained they no, I. not one of Jerry's kids. MLC is similar. Really, how can you help someone who isn't experiencing the insanity understand that this is your reality. MLC defies logic similarly to the way MS does because the presentation is freaking crazy. One minute I can feel physically fine, and the next I'm writing on the floor with tears streaming down my face because my "painless" disease has triggered muscle spasms in my back lasting for hours (and trust me, they freaking hurt!). The man I'm married to will be quiet for awhile then decide to mess with me. Just as I can't predict what the disease is going to do, I can't predict what he is going to do.

I just realized I've lived most of my adult life on a roller coster.

Anyway, as Neo said, a big part of the problem is that the MLCer isn't willing to get the help they need and since we are dealing with mental health issues, there let is compounded.

Jack, I completely understand what you're saying about empirical evidence; however, someone with the appropriate training could gather quite a bit by visiting forums such as this. It may not be the strongest evidence, but since we are dealing with mental health, it seem to me the best that can be done is to extrapolate information using existing evidence. Medical science is focused on quantitative evidence; however, there are many studies in other disciplines that accept we can learn a significant amount using qualitative data. Phenomenology would be a very appropriate theoretical framework for a study about MLC. The problem is, researchers need to be interested.

Until we get past the Dr. Phil approach to MLC (what a horrible episode!) and really researchers delve deeply into MLC, it's going to remain a stereotypical joke, IMO. Hopefully that time will come.