[Thundarr]

You're all special guys. That's for sure. Your wives would be lucky to have you back in their lives. You love them and understand more than most men. You understand that something is wrong other than them just running off or cheating.

I went through a Mlc when I was 36/38. It started before that I believe as depression,then a whole bunch of things happened. I think my brain just got overloaded and said enough!  I had no idea what was wrong with me. I just know I hated every one.

I had a brief affair and the h found out. At first he was all over me wanting to fix things and then the depression and anger hit. He wasn't like any of you. He started being a complete @$$. Drinking heavy,staying at the bar all hours everyday and started hanging with chicks the same age as our daughter. We separated and he slept with one of the bar who res. It did not make things better.

So your wives are very lucky to have men who choose to be the way you are. Running off to someone else doesn't fix anything. It causes way to much more trouble for the future.

Okay, here's the million dollar question - Is it possible that the way your H handled things (being an ass, bar-hopping, sleeping with the bar chick) possibly what drew you back to  him?  Would you have been less likely to return had he stood for the marriage like most of us have?  I'm going back to my "bad boy" theory here.......

[Mad Hatter]

Okay, here's the million dollar question - Is it possible that the way your H handled things (being an ass, bar-hopping, sleeping with the bar chick) possibly what drew you back to  him?  Would you have been less likely to return had he stood for the marriage like most of us have?  I'm going back to my "bad boy" theory here.......

Thundarr,

What you are asking is more along the lines of looking back and seeing the anchor is gone and what was lost I would think!

"Bad boy" theory is rooted more in what women really want versus what they say they want. This topic could be a thread of it's own really and is controversial to most as it applies "red pill" theory, but it's basically what you are seeing when a woman waffles between two different guys that are polar opposites. she will be attracted to the "bad boy" sexually, but because he is "emotionally unavailable" or using her, she will tire of this and seek out the "beta" guy that is in the FriendZone. She is not sexually attracted to the beta, but he gives her the emotional needs and support she desires. When she has had her fill and tires of Mr. Beta, because he doesn't have those "masculine alpha qualities" she desires, she seeks out another Mr. Alpha to get her sexual needs satisfied.

Now, Alpha and Beta isn't necessarily defined by the typical stereotypes. It's not necessarily that the guy is an @sshole or thug; its the confidence, strut, swagger and attitude. Just happens that your typical "tattooed band member" or "thug" typically carries these traits. One of the ladies (Nah) even commented on this in the first Man Cave thread:

"Sorry to inject yet again, but it's not really bad or good, it's confidence, a strutt, a look, unfortunately those things often come along with the "bad boys"."

There are other ways to be "alpha"; successful men in high positions and leaders among men can be seen as alpha as well, but that gets into another area, hypergamy, which we can get into later.

[terrified_in_TN]

...it's basically what you are seeing when a woman waffles between two different guys that are polar opposites. she will be attracted to the "bad boy" sexually, but because he is "emotionally unavailable" or using her, she will tire of this and seek out the "beta" guy that is in the FriendZone. She is not sexually attracted to the beta, but he gives her the emotional needs and support she desires. When she has had her fill and tires of Mr. Beta, because he doesn't have those "masculine alpha qualities" she desires, she seeks out another Mr. Alpha to get her sexual needs satisfied.
...

  As hard as it is to hear, I think MH hit the nail on the head.  The "waffling" I saw as well.  I think you can also call it "cake eating"    I am a "beta".  And she left me for an "alpha".  As she approaches the menopause years, I imagine her hormones have kicked into overdrive for the desire to "reproduce" while there is still some time left.  (However she cannot have any more children).
  I think this is about as true as it gets.  I still go back to no matter what the influence, it IS a conscious decision.

The main reason i wanted to post, is I *just* remembered something.  This really pisses me off, and I guess it applies to everyone, but I think more so the women than the men.  My wife before she split was having a discussion with a "friend".  My wife explained to her that she "wasn't happy".  Of course the good friend just trying to help said that my wife "deserves to be happy".  Translation:  If you are not happy, leave your husband.  Geee, thanks a LOT.  I wonder how many times THAT advice had been given.  Why not say "Look within yourself for the reason you are not happy!".  I do realize she was trying to help, but I think more damage gets caused by friends "just trying to help" than anything.

-T

-EDIT-  Interesting....VERY interesting MH.  I had to google "hypergamy" because I didn't know what it meant.  I am an alpaha compared to OM when it comes to hypergamy, but a BETA when it comes to sheer "rugedness".  He is tall, dark, handsome, young, all tatted up.  I am an average plain looking conservative type.

[Dji76]

I'm sure lots of them get the "u deserve to be happy". I know mine did. She couldn't get it from the people that knew us both so she cultivated new friends that only know her version of me... IE her projections of herself on me!! Very frustrating. The well meaning "friends" help destroy famalies because they want to get our spouses out of pain the quickest way they see possible. U r right, they never think to look within.

[terrified_in_TN]

...she cultivated new friends that only know her version of me... IE her projections of herself on me!! Very frustrating. The well meaning "friends" help destroy famalies because they want to get our spouses out of pain the quickest way they see possible. U r right, they never think to look within.

Ironically enough, my wife's "friend" was also a friend of HERS, not a mutual friend.  But at our age, aren't we all supposed to know by now happiness comes from within?  Why in the world someone our age would essentially give the advice to leave a marriage because of "not being happy" is beyond me.

He beats me:  Leave Him!
He emotionally abuses me:  Leave Him!
He is a good guy, and a great provider [exact quote of what my w used to say about me]  but I'm just not happy:  Leave Him!  WTF?

-T

[Dji76]

Agreed Tt. Unfortunately I dont think most people understand the happiness from within truth. Clearly our spouses didn't. And I think they will keep searching for new people until they find someone who tells them what they want to hear.

[Mad Hatter]

-EDIT-  Interesting....VERY interesting MH.  I had to google "hypergamy" because I didn't know what it meant.  I am an alpaha compared to OM when it comes to hypergamy, but a BETA when it comes to sheer "rugedness".  He is tall, dark, handsome, young, all tatted up.  I am an average plain looking conservative type.

Hypergamy isn't just financial......there are social forms of hypergamy......she's basically "bored" and wants some excitement. Maybe her current mate is introverted......she craves a social butterfly.

Any perceived improvement in finacial and/or social status!

[MyBrainIsBroken]

He is a good guy, and a great provider [exact quote of what my w used to say about me]  but I'm just not happy:  Leave Him!  WTF?

Same thing I got from my wife. My wife was clinically depressed when her sister (who I've known for 36 years) told her that if she wasn't happy she had the right to find someone who would make her happy. Same sister who hasn't been happy with her husband for years but hasn't done anything about it. Same sister who gave me a big hug at the Christmas party because I gave her a cheese basket.

Comparing myself to the OM. I'm in far better shape, I'm lean and hard as a rock, he's like a cream puff. I make a lot more money. I have morals. I am more respected, he's been demoted twice at work while I'm a college professor. But he is more outgoing and "charming", I tend to be a little more reserved. And he's willing to seduce a married woman who is clinically depressed whereas I would have to take a pass on that. Oh, he's also ten years younger than me.

[terrified_in_TN]

-EDIT-  Interesting....VERY interesting MH.  I had to google "hypergamy" because I didn't know what it meant.  I am an alpaha compared to OM when it comes to hypergamy, but a BETA when it comes to sheer "rugedness".  He is tall, dark, handsome, young, all tatted up.  I am an average plain looking conservative type.

Hypergamy isn't just financial......there are social forms of hypergamy......she's basically "bored" and wants some excitement. Maybe her current mate is introverted......she craves a social butterfly.

Any perceived improvement in finacial and/or social status!

Again, I think you are SPOT on with this analysis.  Yep, I got "boring" these last few years, and she needed excitement that I was not fulfilling.  I know this is not the true definition of "affair down" per se', but I am above OM when it comes to financial AND social status.  As I mentioned, I come from a family of "haves", and have done quite well for myself and my family.  OM is a loser.  And I am not just saying that as a jealous husband.  What he DOES have going for him that I don't:  All that "bad boy" crap.  Ex Gang member.  Full of tats.  Ex (possibly currently still) drug dealer.  I have sent a few different LBSes a pic of me and OM via PM, and most are completely floored.  If a pic is worth a thousand words, he is textbook affair down LOL.

-EDIT- MBIB, yep forgot to add, OM is 8 years younger than me.  When the monster came out when me and w were communicating, she made it a point to tell me that:  "He is so much younger, and @#$%s me so good." 

[Dji76]

I think my w is looking for a weak person she can control. The people I know of that she has been spotted with are neither socially or economically upgrades nor could they possibly be perceived as such. I am "rugged" and in touch with my "bad" side. I think mine has gone the opposite and is looking for some little b!txh boy she can control and manipulate. She knows better than to bring any of them anywhere there is even a remote possibility of running into me.