[MeNow]

Do you guys have any advice on how to guide girls whose dad left them just at the point where they would be having relationships?  We talk openly and honestly and I try to stress that while there are differences b/t the sexes, one is not better than the other-men are not the bad guys. Still they were 14 and 17 when the most important man in their life pretty much abandoned them.

It would be great if they would ask us questions about such things. Are they asking any advice from you?

Unfortunately, most teens do their own thing growing up and think they know it all.

One thing, it is good you and they are talking openly about it. That's all you can do. Life teaches the rest.

[superdog]

Hopeandfaith,

Menow is straight on it.!

 Your h is yet still intrigued by the attentions of this woman. He is not done.

If he is true in wanting to be with you, then you would not have this issue, he would have taken care of it, end of. Stand back and watch and work on your detachment again.

Sd

[OldPilot]

Unfortunately, most teens do their own thing growing up and think they know it all.

One thing I have found is that after about age 25 we  become smart again.
Then they start looking for advice from their parents.

As teenagers we need to just LET GO and hope that we
trained them well to find their way..... Just my observations.

[MeNow]

And OP,

I'll say this is the way things were designed to be. All stages of life have their own discovery and exploration lessons. The teen years are usually filled with exploring sexuality and social circles. Unfortunately, some choices can have serious consequences. But yes, train them well and let them grow up. That part is our job, the rest is theirs.

[bipolared]

Thanks OP and MeNow.  Oddly enough they seem to really like me and value my thoughts.  They don't ask advice, I just worry about their self esteem and what they might unconsciously seek out in partners later.  One worrisome thing is as D15 observed, "All our friends seem to have problem lives"!  I was like, "oh God, here is my copy of Codependent No More".  But I spend a lot of time with their friends and they are good kids.  You're right, all we can do is let go.

[Braveheart]

Thanks OP and MeNow.  Oddly enough they seem to really like me and value my thoughts.  They don't ask advice, I just worry about their self esteem and what they might unconsciously seek out in partners later.  One worrisome thing is as D15 observed, "All our friends seem to have problem lives"!  I was like, "oh God, here is my copy of Codependent No More".  But I spend a lot of time with their friends and they are good kids.  You're right, all we can do is let go.

Well, all I can say is aliens came and stole my daughter at about 14 and left a Pod Person in her place. She listened to very little either her mother or myself had to say...Somewhere around 19 the Aliens brought back my daughter, who like her pre 14 self asks me for quite a bit of advice now

[Thundarr]

My D22 was 18 when XW left and grew closer to me once again after her own alien abduction.  In recent years she has started asking me for advice more, but unfortunately hasn't been following it very much.  Hopefully age 25 brings some much needed changes in her.

[Picton]

I must have been bad in a previous life - I have a D13 and and xp43 that both act like mad Uncle Jack

Kia kaha - stay strong

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Do you think that you guys would have taken this interest from women at face value before you saw and felt the other side of this sort of betrayal?

Hope, if it were me I would be flattered but would make sure she knew I wasn't interested. If she persisted I would get angry and would start thinking stalker.

bipolared, I think the most important thing anyone needs to know at any age is that falling in love is not the same thing as loving somebody. The infatuation you feel at the beginning of a relationship is not real and distorts your thinking. You need to wait for the infatuation to wear off so that you can learn who the other person is before you even begin to think about having a serious relationship with them. See how you feel about them after dating for one to two years.

And having been a teenage boy, I know there is one thing on their minds but if they really like a girl they'll be willing to wait. And if they're not willing to wait, they're too selfish. Let them go.

[hopeandfaith]

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond to my question - which I think I didn't word too well.

Hope, if it were me I would be flattered but would make sure she knew I wasn't interested. If she persisted I would get angry and would start thinking stalker.

This is pretty much what has happened.  I should point out that H is the wannabe OW and her boyfriend's boss.  They were both really good friends of ours and particularly H's when we split (shoulda smelled a rat then).  They were both sounding boards for him so it was a bit of a shock to realize she had been reading this differently.  Her bf didn't know about her feelings then but now he does and blames H.  H acknowledges that he's a soft target because of his deplorable social behavior over the previous 18 months and coped well when the bf sent a scathing character assassination to H's bosses. The truth hurt and he accepted that as penance for his previous behavior.  Luckily, he had already spoken to HR about the situation and it's stalker like qualities so they were already supporting H to have nothing to do with this girl. Superdog, I think you would agree that blocking communication between a staff member and their boss is tricky territory and H is treading very carefully so that he doesn't become the target of the woman scorned.  She has been redirected to 2 other staff members in the event she needs something.  One is below H and one is above H in the company hierarchy

For hope and faith,

He needs to cut off ALL contact with OW period. This is on him, not so much OW, because it's up to him if he wants to break it off. He's a big boy. He must break off all ties and I wouldn't accept anything less.

He's done this - even though there was nothing to technically break off.  He's also told her that they will never be friends again. 
That ship has sailed.

Personally HopeandFaith, I don't know why you WOULD NOT DOUBT your h.  Why would you want to hide that?  Sorry, but your spouse betrayed you!  He lied, cheated and abandoned you.  Why would you worry about whether he THINKS you doubt him or not?  Surely he KNOWS you doubt/distrust him!  How could you not?

Hugs Stayed

Stayed - I remember reading that your H tried to sweep his behavior under the mat when he first returned and you had to lead him back to his mess and rub his nose in it - so to speak!  I haven't had this problem with H but I hope that if I had, I would handle it appropriately.  He is working hard to fix a mess that is not of his making (other than by reputation) and I respect that.  I know that respect goes a long way for men.  He has earned it.  Am I wary of him - you betcha.  I'd be stupid not to be and I think you were just being your lovely protective self and making sure that my eyes are wide open.  I thank you for that - you truly are an LBS warrior.

You guys sort of answered my original question which stemmed out of me being pi$$ed off that he should feel bad for ignoring her calls.  It made me reflect of what he has done to control the situation.  Do I think he will be somehow tricked into having an affair with her (which I think was the underlying fear) - NO.  Does he need to hate her 24/7 to keep me safe - NO.  Is my trying to convince him to hate her 24/7 a good idea - NO! In fact that would probably be counter-productive.  Why do we need constant reminders to step back and let the bad people trip over themselves?  Having said all that - EYES WIDE OPEN