[elray]

Hey dj,
 Believe it or not the topic did come up but not in the way you think..  It came up within the context of her proposing we have some level of reconciliation without sex.  I said sex was an essential element of a healthy relationship.

My wife recommended option 2.

I don't believe she wouldn't care but that was her words.  And she's had that response in at least two separate conversations months apart.

[UnconditionalLove]

Wait, your wife proposed some level of reconciliation without sex and you turned that down? Reconciliation in my eyes should start out with no sex.  I wouldn't have my H come knocking back at my door and have sex with him.  I would feel like he came back just for that and my trust of him would not be anywhere near having sex with him. Reconciliation is a long process where sex is far far away in the future.  It is an essential element of a relationship and should not be one of the first things added back into reconciliation.  The MLC may not be anywhere near ready to move in that direction nor the LBS.  This needs to be a work in progress. 

[elray]

UL -- my W is a wallower.  Never left, we lived separately in the house for six months.  November 2013 she said she was done with OM after a 12 month ea/pa.  She seems to have cut contact although they work together.  She is unable to talk about her process or her feelings.  she refuses IC or MC.  We've been working on an R since then with no sex, as in we coparent and cohabitate without much monsterrng.  She remains noncommittal about the R.   I am slowly seeing improvement but concerned she me run back into replay at any point as nothing seems internally resolved.   

But there was zero sex from Nov 2013 to Jan 2015.   I first raised the topic as an essential relationship component in August of 2014.  The response was to go get those needs met elsewhere.  She specifically recommended an Asian massage of ill repute.  That was again the response this February on Valentine's weekend.  If you're suggesting  a lack of patience on my part, you can put that concern to rest.
 

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Wait, your wife proposed some level of reconciliation without sex and you turned that down? Reconciliation in my eyes should start out with no sex.  I wouldn't have my H come knocking back at my door and have sex with him.  I would feel like he came back just for that and my trust of him would not be anywhere near having sex with him. Reconciliation is a long process where sex is far far away in the future.  It is an essential element of a relationship and should not be one of the first things added back into reconciliation.  The MLC may not be anywhere near ready to move in that direction nor the LBS.  This needs to be a work in progress.

Well said, UL, I agree completely.

She specifically recommended an Asian massage of ill repute.  That was again the response this February on Valentine's weekend.

This definitely sounds like MLC "logic".   

So what you're saying is, I was right, this is MLC logic if it was suggested by your wife. And even though it was suggested by her, if you follow through with it I doubt it will have a positive effect on your relationship.

My wife gave the the "You're a good man, you shouldn't wait for me" speech. I have her permission to move on. The divorce she initiated may even be her way to make it easier for me to move on. But how does my moving on make it easier for us to reconcile. All it would do, in my opinion, is confirm her belief that I don't really love her, something that I suspect she already hears regularly from her OM. And wouldn't he love to be able to use my moving on or even visiting an escort as proof that he was right. Well I'm not going to give it to him. 

[Dji76]

Strange, we are supposed to life as if they aren't coming back but I hear lots of decisions being made with consideration as to how the MLCer will take it. Im speaking more in general than the escort issues specifically. I don't think using an escort fits in the spirit of standing, but making decisions worrying about how the MLCer will react doesn't fit standing either.

[ruggedendurance]

IMHO.    I feel that GALing is a necessary and important process for the females on this site.    I am positive that they have put their lives on hold to raise a family and hold their marriage together..

I do feel the men on this site would do well to GAP............... Grow A Pair.

Who cares what our MLCer thinks of us?     They are having sex with anybody they want and rubbing your nose in it.      Is this what they have come to expect from you?

If you evolve into a self assure male?    Maybe that is what she is hoping for.    It would  certainly be a change from what I've read from a lot  of you.

You write in an effort to gain support from the females on this forum.

Find out who you are as a man.

[elray]

"Mlc logic"?  Yes and no, but mostly no.   It is a long story for another day.  Based on the short version I told I can see why you would think that.

[UnconditionalLove]

You write in an effort to gain support from the females on this forum.

Find out who you are as a man.

Thank you for writing this! I do believe that and it's interest to see the two sides of this in this forum.  I'm not judging it's just enlightening.  Kind of like what I seen from my MLC H as he's going through the tunnel and yet, I'm now wondering if he's been like this all along.  This forum is an interesting read for sure.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I guess I don't understand a lot of things. Does living as though they're not coming back mean that it's ok for me to violate my marriage vows, because my wife violated hers? Does it mean it's ok for me to forget about my moral beliefs? Does it mean it's ok for me to have no empathy for others? When I write what I honestly believe does that mean I'm pandering to the females on this site? When I write something that contradicts what you believe does that mean I am not a self-assured man and that I need to GAP?

Does anybody on here understand what a mid life crisis is? What your spouse is going through? Do you think it's ok for you to go out and have sex with anybody you want and rub your spouses nose in it because your spouse is doing it while they are living through a severe crisis? If your spouse jumped off a bridge would you jump off a bridge too?

Do you really think your spouse is doing what she is doing because you needed to evolve into a self assured male and once she sees that happen she will come running back to you? Do you really believe that what your spouse is doing is about you and your marriage rather than being about your spouse and her MLC issues?

I think it's time for some of the men on here to get GSE ..... Get Some Empathy. Get over your ego and realize that your spouse is going through a crisis. If you think what your spouse is doing is happening because she dislikes you and she wants to hurt you by rubbing your nose in it, that she really wasn't happy with you or your marriage, then you're in the wrong place. You may as well get a divorce and move on because your spouse isn't really in a crisis, your spouse is just done with you.

I'm done now, I need to GAP.

[Dji76]

Rugged, just curious, what in people's writing do u see as "making an effort to gain support from the females"? Do u mean in the sense that some are looking for the women to tell them what a great guy they are? Or are u referring to something else?? Btw, I agree on the idea of becoming a more self assured male. Really though, who cares if that's what "she" wants. Do it for yourself and realize u don't need anyone else to be a complete person. If the person (woman) we trusted more than anyone in the world has betrayed you, why is that ok? It took me 7 months to realize the level of betrayal and what it really meant. It took me time to adjust to my new reality. Now I embrace my life without w and am excited to create my future. my w can be mired in her personal hell for as long as she wants to be. It's up to each of us (and the MLCer) how long to be stuck in the cycle of misery. It's over as soon as your ready for it to be over.