[bookwrmmom]

Thanks for that reminder El, that yes we CAN fall back into old patterns with our MLCer. I think the thing to remember is that hopefully the changes you made are positive ones, and you don't want to loose that new part of yourself.
I know there are people who have R that have amazing new marriages (I think they will agree with the "new" terminology). Neither person is likely who they were before crisis hit. I would think (mind you I am no where near that yet-or so it seems) that if either party is sincere about R, you have to actively LOOK for the qualities you like and then BUILD upon them. Just as you would do in any new R. This will be a new R, because I don't know about y'all but I don't want to go back to the old one. Were there good times? Sure, but I can see now what I didn't see (or want to admit) then. I already know from listening to friends here, and my mother that R'ing is hard as hell.....I guess the question is "how bad do you want it?" Nothing in life is worth having if it isn't worth working hard for. I tell my kids this every day. Honestly for me, I don't know what I want. Just because he told me he loves me doesn't mean R.

[elray]

That's the problem with an R after one has  "Got a Life", you are no longer who you were when you were together. This new you is totally alien to your MLC'er, many of whom seem to think the world stays static while they run the roads. Other than shared history, there might not be much left to salvage, kind of like old friends at a highschool reunion you no longer have anything in common with. After a hour or so at the reunion with them you begin to remember why you haven't kept in touch....

Its not a bug, its a feature.

Being new and better makes the R potentially new and better as well.  While you very well may get feelings of deja-vu, it is in fact, new and stimulating. 

Braveheart,
What I hear you saying over and over is that MLC made you take off wife-goggles -- that you saw your spouse is the true light of day -- and found that they were very different from the qualities that initially attracted you. 

This does happen, especially to men, who tend to place a woman on a pedestal.  We develop these goggles that make us see our wife as perfect and without flaws -- she truly is the most beautiful woman in the room in our eyes, thanks to "wife goggles" ^TM.  Then MLC pops the bubble.  The fantasy is harshly stripped away.  We see both the MLCer and the reality of what they have been growing into for the last 20 years.  The goggles are gone. 

And once we are fooled once, we swear never again.  We are twice shy -- we look for flaws in every female we encounter -- and we find them.  This is its own form of emotional baggage carried from the divorce.    I don't know if that resonates with you, but I see it a lot in a group of men who describe themselves at MGTOW -- Men Going Their Own Way.  I can see myself ending up there too.

[Mad Hatter]

What I hear you saying over and over is that MLC made you take off wife-goggles -- that you saw your spouse is the true light of day -- and found that they were very different from the qualities that initially attracted you. 

This does happen, especially to men, who tend to place a woman on a pedestal.  We develop these goggles that make us see our wife as perfect and without flaws -- she truly is the most beautiful woman in the room in our eyes, thanks to "wife goggles" ^TM.  Then MLC pops the bubble.  The fantasy is harshly stripped away.  We see both the MLCer and the reality of what they have been growing into for the last 20 years.  The goggles are gone. 

And once we are fooled once, we swear never again.  We are twice shy -- we look for flaws in every female we encounter -- and we find them.  This is its own form of emotional baggage carried from the divorce.

Agree with this! And the bold part is part of the reason (among others) why many middle-aged divorced men either remain single or are extremely picky and leery of committing unless it is absolutely on our terms.

[limitless]

What I hear you saying over and over is that MLC made you take off wife-goggles -- that you saw your spouse is the true light of day -- and found that they were very different from the qualities that initially attracted you. 

This does happen, especially to men, who tend to place a woman on a pedestal.  We develop these goggles that make us see our wife as perfect and without flaws -- she truly is the most beautiful woman in the room in our eyes, thanks to "wife goggles" ^TM.  Then MLC pops the bubble.  The fantasy is harshly stripped away.  We see both the MLCer and the reality of what they have been growing into for the last 20 years.  The goggles are gone. 

And once we are fooled once, we swear never again.  We are twice shy -- we look for flaws in every female we encounter -- and we find them.  This is its own form of emotional baggage carried from the divorce.

Agree with this! And the bold part is part of the reason (among others) why many middle-aged divorced men either remain single or are extremely picky and leery of committing unless it is absolutely on our terms.

I don't this is unique to men.  Many women feel the same way.

I think in terms of remarriage...many men remarry more often and quicker than many women do. 

[riverbirch]

Pedestal was on both sides here.

[Braveheart]

I took the angle after BD and the exposure of the OM that I would follow my head rather than my heart from now on, and asked myself what I wanted out of life now. What I wanted was peace, contentment, do what I wanted and expose myself to as little drama as possible. When I run into something that exposes me to excess drama I ask myself if it's worth the bother, if it's not I quit doing it.

To this end lately I've gone "Monk", as dealing with women within my dating age range to be frank has been a pain in the ass. To be perfectly honest the idea of having a woman around full time no longer has much appeal, if I could pull off a mutual FWB I'd be quite happy with that. If I had an R with my X as I am now, she would be in the position I was in at BD, having no idea who this person is walking around in Braveheart's body...

[Thundarr]

I'm absolutely loving this most controversial thread.  Don't agree with all of it, but it's fun as Hell.

I can and can't see the pedestal stuff with XW.  There were times I did put her on one and times I put her at the bottom of it.  Sure after BD I wanted nothing more than her back, but that drive waned at times (bad choice of words that a few may understand).

Mad Hatter - The links in your posts are the same ones a friend of BH and mine uses.  Do I know you from somewhere else?

Speaking of BH, where did you get your info on borderlines? 

Last thing I want to add is that I fully believe that our spouses brought out a side of us no one else did.  Sure we are different than when we were with them, but maybe that's just because they're not around to bring that inner side out.  Just a thought.....

[Braveheart]

Imine uses.  Do I know you from somewhere else?

Speaking of BH, where did you get your info on borderlines? 

Hi Thundaar, I don't even recall now where I got the information on Borderlines, I first run into the term when I worked in addictions back in the early 1980's. I ran into it again after BD when searching for the term "Mirroring", as I watched my X replay the same "Love Bombing" and Mirroring behavior I'd experinced when she first met me.

When I met my X and we hit it off so well, I just thought it finally had happened, I'd paid my dues and finally met my "Soul Mate". The part that throws me now is I'd never heard of a BPD being able to pull that act off for 24 years...

[Dji76]

Thundaar I fully agree my w brought out a side of me that I don't think anyone else could. Having been with her since 19 I feel I've really "grown up" emotionally since she left. We both behaved in ways that would probabaly be unacceptable to most healthy new partners. Maybe just bad habits from getting into a relationship at such a young age?
Also, I got a lot of info on bpd from the website gettinbetter.com.

[Mad Hatter]

Mad Hatter - The links in your posts are the same ones a friend of BH and mine uses.  Do I know you from somewhere else?

I doubt you know me on other forums as I tend to not cross-post / cross-link myself. However, as more & more of us "wake up", I'm guessing you will see more awareness!

I think in terms of remarriage...many men remarry more often and quicker than many women do. 

Debatable!

May have been true in the past, but current media is saying otherwise. In fact, more men are actually opting out of marriage; even first marriages and never getting married at all! Several reasons for this; don't have time to get into it. However, This places the market of "marriageable" men at a low. If I remember correctly, the average age when a man gets married currently is 30. And this number is rising.

As far as getting married quicker, It may appear that way, but I would say it's more about supply and demand. Add in the fact of SMV cross-over which happens at mid-life (coincidental?), and the options for divorced males are greater.