[CallanG]

I had an interesting conversation the OW a few weeks back , I was trying to speak to H but ended up getting her . It was very eye opening because with out any prompting from me she went in to this long justification of why she had started an affair with my H . It answered so many question that I had in my mind about the lies that H had told her. It seems we had a very unhappy marriage and that she knew we had both been unhappy for a long time !!!. H could not talk to me , she saved him from committing suicide . She knows what it is like to be left as her partner had an affair ( I am pretty sure that one is a lie) .

She is as mixed up as he is because she claims to have experience in mental health and yet she thought it was the right thing to do to start an affair with someone who was clearly depressed .  She also seems to think that he is much better now even though it is clear to everyone else that his is not . She also feels that he has a healthy relationship with his family !! That one is hard to figure as he has not seen his parents for 18 months and she has never met any of them .

[paradigmshift]

H could not talk to me , she saved him from committing suicide .

When I first met my MLCer, he claimed that no one in his family understood or cared about him, his business failed and his gf left him. He started out being suicidal, then used it to threaten me into meeting up with him. Only later did I discover that his family was so protective of him, they would kill anyone who had the slightest intention of hurting him, or even someone who would steal him away from them.

She is as mixed up as he is because she claims to have experience in mental health and yet she thought it was the right thing to do to start an affair with someone who was clearly depressed . 

I was afraid he would harm himself, and once, he fell asleep in mid tele conversation and I called the police thinking he had overdosed on pills. I was truly suckered in.

How naive I was. I should have just called a hotline to assist him and washed my hands. Would have saved me 10 years of crap and sorrow.


Oh, btw, when we first got together, we came up with a list of reasons why we loved each other. His was 'you understand me', 'you don't stop me from pursuing my dreams', 'you don't despise me'.. among others. Sounds familiar? Looking back I think I met him when he was having a quarter life crisis and lost him at midlife crisis. The whole 10 years were a nightmare.

Looking forward to the relationship I deserve!

[MsT]

 Looking back I think I met him when he was having a quarter life crisis and lost him at midlife crisis. 

I suspect this might be the case for me, also

[a]

Hi All

Thanks for the replies very interesting behaviour.  Anje thank you for the links.

Herewith my 10 cents worth.  While XH and i were still married about 4 months before BD i remember seeing an email from OW that was rather flirtatious but did not suspect anything because i tend to be rather naive and at that stage still trusted XH.  I remember saying something like how can a woman pursue a married man without any consideration for his wife.  Xh replied he would never trust a woman like her and what made this comment especially significant is that he actually looked me in the eye.  At the time of this incident XH was in a full on affair with her and was in the habit of not looking me in the eye whenever he spoke to me. 

Upon me discovering the affair within a month XH started cheating on OW with women he was meeting on these "have an affair" websites. 

As for OW she is an educated person 14 years younger than XH who works in the corporate world in environmental sustainability.  Two months into knowing XH she sent a explicit photo of her V@g!n@ as she is inserting a vibrator. 

Fast forward 4 years later XH marries OW and has been married to her for 8 months.  So the infatuation is over and yet he has made a commitment to someone who has no respect for herself.

Two weeks ago my car broke down.  I texted XH to get the policy number for the car insurance so i could have my car towed.  He immediately phones me to ask if i am okay and starts calling me by his pet name for me.  I was not very responsive.  I was polite as i would be with a stranger.  He got upset and slammed phone down.  I felt bad - i know silly.  None-the-less i text him the following:

"Dear XH i am sorry.  I struggle to speak to you knowing that in the end all you had for me was contempt and disgust - i need to be free from buying into your perception of me and you need to be free from your anger and guilt towards me.  The only way i know how this is possible is to give us both freedom from the past. I am truly sorry if this causes you pain.  I guess this is what happens when things are left unresolved".

His reply
"Less disgust for you than you think moment.....just a whole lot of regret.....and embarrassment.  Not regret for our life together....but regret that it didn't go forward.  I had a good life with you moment...it was only a very small part of it that didn't work out well towards the end.....but that's done now...."

Assuming he is being sincere i thought hearing from him that he lives with some regret would give me a sense of vindication.  It didn't i just felt how sad and what an absolute waste of time and tears.  On the bright side of things i no longer hide my light under a bushel so XH doesn't feel less than.

Also on his what's app his quote reads “The price of being a sheep is boredom. The price of being a wolf is loneliness. Choose one or the other with great care.”  What a shame he thinks he only has two choices in life and when he  is newly married.  And how does OW feel that this quote is up for all to read - go figure

take care
moment

[terrified_in_TN]

 Looking back I think I met him when he was having a quarter life crisis and lost him at midlife crisis. 

I suspect this might be the case for me, also

+1 for me as well.  Wife left her first x for me-she was around 23ish at the time.  She is now 44 and has left me for #3.

-T

[HeartTattoo]

It answered so many question that I had in my mind about the lies that H had told her. It seems we had a very unhappy marriage and that she knew we had both been unhappy for a long time !!!. H could not talk to me , she saved him from committing suicide .

Callan,

What a mess that R is!

This is what I mean about the MLCer talking to the OP about our M's.  They have to be talking about our M's to justify why they are so "unhappy" & congratulating each other on saving each other & justifying all of this to tamp down any whiff of guilt that might surface.  That most (all?) of it is lies & distortions is a given, but they do talk about our M's.

It seems we had a very unhappy marriage and that...we had both been unhappy for a long time !!!.

Exactly what my H said at BD.

Hugs,
HT

[HeartTattoo]

His reply
"Less disgust for you than you think moment.....just a whole lot of regret.....and embarrassment.  Not regret for our life together....but regret that it didn't go forward.  I had a good life with you moment...it was only a very small part of it that didn't work out well towards the end.....but that's done now...."

What a long time it takes for them to begin to understand this.  No acceptance of responsibility though--"it didn't work out" & really no sense of remorse.

Assuming he is being sincere i thought hearing from him that he lives with some regret would give me a sense of vindication.  It didn't i just felt how sad and what an absolute waste of time and tears. 

Absolutely!

Hugs,
HT

[MsT]

I'm still very close to the beginning but mine said "I think this has been a long time coming." But I have a large storage capacity on my phone and can pinpoint his withdrawl from our R because there were at least 2 texts "love you" texts a day up until Thanksgiving, when he found out his friend is dying, then sporadically for a few weeks, then Christmas break we got BD. So, nope, not a long time coming.
I am still looking for behavior prior that would indicate build-up, but honestly in my case, this came on very suddenly. I have pictures, too, of him happy and engaged with us and our family activities, then BAM, all the ones from the holidays he looks miserable. he
I can't wait for the day he stops holding me responsible for this

[Blindsided13]

"It seems we had a very unhappy marriage and that...we had both been unhappy for a long time !!!."
My H said same at BD, evidently I was also miserable with our marriage, he was just the brave one who spoke up. Imagine, if he didn't clue me in on my unhappiness, I would still be living blissfully unaware that I wasn't actually happy!

[patience.of.a.saint]

I am fairly certain my guy is not necessarily enjoying life with the OW. They live in an old funeral home...seriously.

What's funny is that she is a redhead and he swore he'd never be with another redhead again. Well, this one has the same look, hair, build, etc as his son's mom. They dated when he was just out of high school.

So, to me he has gone back to when his brain says life ended...the unexpected birth of his S19. I know he loves him, but he complained about child support the whole time. I think he also felt it kept him tied to this job he hates, as he worried about keeping up with the child support payments during the switch.

He's definitely replaying a time before he became a dad...enter OW...he has picked up where he left off 19 years ago. All I can say is that I hope it doesn't take 14 yrs to find me back a second time.