[a]

Hi All

Please excuse me if this topic has been started before.  If it has then please can you direct me to the links.  I have done a search but could not find anything.

Having read several posts here and while i understand that the OW is of no consequence other than she was available i am curious to know What is life like with the OW.  On this site i have read how the MLCer complains about OW to the LBS once the relationship is in full swing, yet in the beginning she is the love of his life.  And if he is complaining about her to us - he is doing the same with us to her.  It goes without question that the player in all this is definitely the MLCer. 

I work with a couple who's relationship began as an affair.  She is 18 years younger than him and they have been together for 17 years, he is now 63 years old so he could have been going through a MLC  - they seem very content considering they work together and live together.

Are LBS's looking for misery in the MLCers relationship with OW because that's what we need to comfort ourselves.  Is it possible that the MLCer is in fact happy with the OW?  And maybe more so than he ever was with us?

Curiosity that's all

moment

[Blindsided13]

good question Moment, I have no clue, my H is completely mum on the topic of the OW, the first year all he said was "don't talk about my friends" or " you have no clue what your are talking about". After I found out she was pregnant, I wouldn't let him get away with that, although now he says he has no clue what I am talking about when I mention his new son.

I do know he did talk to her about me and how unhappy he was, I also know he lied ALOT. He is petrified that I will talk to her. He has already started working on a story to cover that possibility. That is all I need to know, if he had to lie to keep this relationship, and if he denies her and their child to every one that knew him prior to BD, well that says a lot.

[ceecee2]

Thanks for posting.  I've often wondered the same thing.  I believe for myself, that is one of the main reasons I am having a hard time letting go.  What if he does enjoy his life with her more than with me? 

[Thunder]

Blind,

Another ow who trapped her man by having a child.

moment,

That's a tough question to answer.  Who knows what goes on behind closed doors?
I don't think most of these affair relationships turn out happy, but there have to be a few that do.  In that case maybe the spouse just really wasn't happy and it wasn't MLC.  Not everyone is happy in their marriage.

[terrified_in_TN]

.... After I found out she was pregnant, I wouldn't let him get away with that, although now he says he has no clue what I am talking about when I mention his new son.
...

  Are you freaking kidding me?  Denying that he got his OW pregnant even when there is flesh and blood PROOF?

UN@#$%BELIEVABLE.

-T

[MyBrainIsBroken]

The OP is usually a selfish person. They wouldn't be with a married person it they weren't. The MLCer as a part of the process also becomes very self-centered. So you have two people who are looking for the other to make them happy. Sounds like a recipe for disaster but the first part of any new relationship is the romance or infatuation stage. The brain chemical high is like being on cocaine and they can't see the other's flaws. They both think the other one is perfect.

The interesting part is when the infatuation stage ends, the brain chemical high goes away, and they start to see the real person they are with. This begins the Power Struggle phase which is where many relationships break up. At this point there has to be some compatibility and real care for each other for the relationship to continue. There rarely is which is why these relationships are seldom happy and often fail. The problem is the Infatuation stage can last from 6 months to 2 years before the brain chemical high starts to go away.

Summary: they start off thinking they made the right choice and everything is wonderful. Eventually reality will start to settle in. This is when the typical MLCer who is still confused will start to put on a mask to hide the fact that they're becoming less and less happy. It sounds like this is probably where Blind's husband is at now. In a bad situation and he can't admit it, especially to himself.

Thhe following artricle should be required reading for all high school freshmen. I'd make them memorize it.

The Stages of Committed Relationships
http://relationship-institute.com/freearticles_detail.cfm@article_ID=153.html

[terrified_in_TN]

I hate to say this, but its just being realistic...

I imagine at first life with the OP is wonderful.  I mean it would HAVE to be for them to continue in that relationship.  I can only guess, but just examining my own sitch, I know they go out a LOT.  WAY more than we ever did these last few years.  Then again, when you don't care about the financial repercussions and just do what "feels" good EVENTUALLY there will be consequences.  So I imagine at first the thrill is quite exciting.  A NEW flirtatious R, lots of fun, new and exciting things.  Honestly it has to be quite a rush.  But when things settle down and become "routine", and the bills start coming in, and there is no more cash or credit left to do those fun exciting things anymore and the reality finally hits home-I think THAT is the point which a lot of MLCers finally realize they have just traded one set of problems for another, only in most cases since the affair is an affair DOWN, they realize just how destructive their actions had been.  What they choose to do about that situation is then ultimately up to them, or is some cases, up to the LBS.

-T

[OffRoad]

I personally think that life with the OP is crappy. But since the MLCers feel crappy about themselves, it makes them feel at home.

"Look, this OP is a bigger loser than I am because they are hanging out with a married person. I'm better than they are. This feels pretty good." All done on an unconscious level, of course.

[Airmid]

I hate to say this, but its just being realistic...

I imagine at first life with the OP is wonderful...
... A NEW flirtatious R, lots of fun, new and exciting things.  Honestly it has to be quite a rush.

I have to agree with TinTN.
A new start, no baggage (yet), lots of romance (for the time being), sex with a new person (really exciting).  I think the fantasy has to play itself out.
Lots of spending on the new relationship.
In four months with the OW my H spent 16K!

There is no doubt in my mind that the fantasy wears off -
My real question is - and then what?

In my situation, I wonder if H will just hunker down in the relationship.
Apparently he hunkered with me for 20 years 

[terrified_in_TN]

...
There is do doubt in my mind that the fantasy wears off -
My really question is - and then what?

In my situation, I wonder if H will just hunker down in the relationship.
Apparently he hunkered with me for 20 years 

  Wow, my thoughts EXACTLY.  I know that NO ONE knows the future, but apparently my w "hunkered down with me" as well for 20 years.  I know some MLCers are strong enough to face the damage they have done and make an attempt to return home, so I don't want anyone to get discouraged.  However, in my sitch-I imagine my w will just do the same:  hunker down and live with it.  Even if she does end up having regrets, I imagine she will take them to the grave with her.  I could easily be wrong, but that is what my gut says about my sitch.  She is too "proud" to ever admit being wrong, and has an extremely difficult time uttering the words "I'm sorry".

-T