[terrified_in_TN]

I'm probably not the best man to give perspective, but I am coming up on a year since filing for D (I felt I HAD to-she left the state and if I didn't I would have to be driving two states away for court appearances for her D that she was going to file).

Anyway, I don't think its really a man vs woman thing here-its a mindset.

No disrespect to the ladies, but the main reason our D is taking so long is I am fighting for custody of the kids.  Don't care about assets (though I have no real desire to make myself poor).

What do I expect to come of this?  I expect to lose.  I really do.  Cards are stacked in the woman's favor in court.  But the one thing I will win is a clear conscious.  So even if the judge gives her everything she wants, and custody of D5, I won't be taking my anger out on her, as I expect this to happen.  I will be okay no matter what.

I was talking to a fellow HS member the other day, and if you don't believe the women are favored in court around here, just google Mary Winkler.

-T

[Medusa]

When I first filed, my lawyer made a really interesting comment to me. He said that one of the problems he sees with divorce is that the law attempts remove all emotion and in doing that becomes unable to address many aspects of divorce. That, he believes, is a big issue in no-fault divorces. Even in situations like mine, the law doesn't care that I was emotionally abused. Had physical abuse occurred, things would be very different.

T--to your point that females are favored over males, I do not necessarily disagree. Unfortunately, it seems that archaic beliefs that women are somehow better parents and, therefore deserve custody, does still seem rife. It's Similar to my complaint on my thread the other day about spousal support--why is it perfectly fine for him to live with someone eel while I may one day have to make a choice between receiving the support I deserve not because I can't support myself but because I worked equally to build what we have. The law, however, remains archaic and believes that if I am to meet someone else and either get married or love with that person, I forfeit the support. So as a woman, my state effectively makes it more difficult (although not impossible) for me to move forward with that aspect of my life. Is that any more or less fair than females being favored over males I'm custody situations?

It seems to me to be a one-size-fits-all attitude that winds up screwing people. I equate them in some ways with zero tolerance laws/policies: common sense has been removed.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Medusa's right TNT, it's not fair all the way around. We all have a loss no matter how you look at it.

[in it]

Yep loss and pain.

My midlife transition has been how to deal with loss.I thought at one point I was going to dehydrate and not ever be able to cry again.So I keep myself hydrated and cry.I let myself cry a lot.It's a great stress reliever.

Surround yourself with people who find nothing wrong with it.

[lawprofessor]

Hey Medusa!

I still have everything from awards on up.  He walked away with nothing from that time.  No pictures, nothing.  When he came back the one time he would not even go into the room with the full wall display.  He has never even asked for me to send those things to him or elsewhere.  It is as though he can't face them.  Heck, I don't think he deserves them either as he is am embarrassment to the USMC currently.  Once I asked him what various people he respected and called his mentors would say about his current behavior.  He replied with silence and tears.

Well he walked away without much else from then either.  He left his birth certificate, diplomas, financial records, clothes, furniture, pictures everything.  He never even changed some of our bank accounts from both our names.

Anyhow, if he cannot be proud of his service I will be and I will keep all those things safe.  I am proud to have been a military wife.  In my mind we served and sacrificed together in the ways asked of us at the time.

Personally I think it is a bit of wishful thinking in my case and many others to think he left things as a place holder of sorts.  I think it is more likely that he ran from those things that evoked memories of the time when he was proud of himself and knew who he was and had a mission in life.  Without those thongs he can 're write his life in any way he wants.  No evidence is there to the contrary.

I just remembered another thing from our discussion about embellishing their records.  My dad was also a military man.  He tells stories all the time.   Well I had full access to my ex's emails to OW.   I remember reading one in which he was detailing a specific event in Lebanon.  I thought I don't remember this but I was pretty new to MLC at the time and stressed and still wondering if I was the crazy one.  So I mentioned it to my mother.  She asked me why in the world my ex was talking about dad to his new girl. 

I asked pop and sure enough it was one of his stories ex was taking credit for.  That's when I knew I wasn't the crazy one for certain!

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Mine took both of his Embassy flags from the 2 countries we were stationed. I guess the stories at the bar will be interesting. We actually know one of Chris Kyle's cousins. He was a sniper in the Corps too ( our girls swim together ), he'll probably upgrade that to knowing him personally.

He left his promotion to MSgt certificate, but took one set of dress blues and his wooden chest that he got for retiring. Left his coins, his trinkets and all of his glasses from the balls. That's about it. He left a lot of stuff. Mine is really delusional, and he hasn't paid many of the bills that he's left behind here where the kids and I live.

I guess he thought that he could leave it all behind. He's so much in debt that he'll have to file bankruptcy just to be able to survive. Thank God my name isn't attached to much. Compared to him, my debt is not only doable, but will be easy to pay off within in months if I do it right. I feel sorry for him, when reality hits... It's going to hit him all at once.

I really don't know what to think, but I've been offered a job back home that I'm taking. It's a fresh start. I'm living my life like he's not coming back for sure. He couldn't even look at me or talk to me the day after the hearing. It was a truly humiliating and embarrassing experience for him. He and his sister should have been more humble ( I think she's not all there as well, seems to run in the family ), it would gone better for him if they had been. The judge looked pissed the entire time both were on the stand.

I had a discussion with him about 3 years back when he retired. I told him that maybe what he was going through was because he didn't know how to be anything other than a Marine. He agreed at the time. I guess that was a sign that he was lost, and we both missed it.

[Medusa]

Law, I am completely with you in believing that they abandon their USMC history because they know the Corps wouldn't be proud of them. Mine even left the very expensive bottle of scotch I gave him at his retirement. That is the one thing I don't leave for him when I move out. I earned that bottle just as much as he did!

I think their abandonment of their military career is twofold. Agree that a large part of that is shame and knowing they don't deserve to be called a Marine. When I once questioned mine about why he left his stuff, he said it was because he didn't want to leave empty walls. I knew when he said it he was lying.

But...I also do believe on some level they leave their things as an anchor, essentially wanting us to protect what they once had. I say this because when mine moved out, he took some of his clothes, his stereo, his speakers, two of our old patio chairs, his tool belt, some old dishes, one dish towel, one rag, his favorite towels, and a bottle of ibuprofen. I've thought many times that it's especially weird he abandoned his Mamaluke sword: I was stunned to see it when I came home after he moved. But there is one other thing he took I've always been very, very curious about: a carpet he bought (for me) when he was deployed in Pakistan. Why that? What is the significance? I think I might have figured that one out: during that deployment, he all of a sudden was feeling me about some actress he had met and had dinner with. She had body guards who creeped him out. Every antenna went up, and I believe he had a fling with this woman. I think the carpet represents that. I think it serves as a metaphor of his shame of cheating on me while he was deployed and I was here dealing with a daughter who was getting in all kinds of trouble. I also think it is metaphorical of the Corps because he found out when he was in Pakistan that he had been passed over and was being forced into retirement. Whenever he looks at it, he sees those two things. More interesting about it? That carpet was the biggest one we had. There were a total of 6. He could have taken any of them.

Since I will be making a geographic move (I hope), I will not take his things with me. The way things are working out, I will be gone before he comes to get any of his stuff. But like you, Law! I am proud of our service, and there may be more than a bottle of scotch that winds up coming along to be treasured because it was an important part of my life.

3, military or not, I think all of them do believe they can leave their old life behind, and that includes their things. But, as I said in my earlier post, the threads are so tied together, it's almost impossible to sort any of them out. This is something he said quite a few times to me before he moved out. He was trying, very hard, to disentangle everything and couldn't.

My head is gonna be swirling on this subject for awhile!

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Medusa, I hear you on the head swirling part. I doubt that your husband had a fling with the actress, that sounds like a fantasy made up in his head. IMHO. Think about it. He gave you the rug, and then took it with him? Sounds like a piece of you he was taking with him, not her. Out of all the ones in the house, the one he brought to you especially? Something just doesn't add up there.

When mine came to visit at Christmas, he took one of our wedding pictures. This, after he declared he had moved on and wanted a divorce. Hmmm... They are a strange breed.

Mine took a lot of his Corps stuff with him this time around, glad he did. I don't want it. He blamed all of our problems on the Corps before MLC, then on me after. It was wild. I put up with a lot of, "If we wanted you to have a family, we'd have issued you one." bulls***. I won't miss that life, I'm proud of our service. But, if I had to do it all over again? I would never have married a Marine.

I do agree with you on the anchoring. That word keeps coming up. He's tried to keep us literally trapped in this house and this town. H's favorite type of abuse: financial. Whenever I held a job that made too much money ( read, offered me some independence ), he had a fit.

He put my job down, wouldn't help me with the kids or the house, wouldn't pick up the slack for homeschool,etc... You name it, he used every form of sabotage you can think of to keep me from being able to have the money to level the playing field in the marriage. This coming from someone who told the judge at the hearing that I wouldn't get a job. And, that that was a source of contention in the marriage. Really?

Mine actually tried to force me to stay in the state. The judge told him during the hearing that he couldn't do that, because he had left the state and been gone for 18 months. It must be really nice to live in Lala land.

At any rate, I think mine is in the midst of an emotional affair. He just go his own apartment, so I guess he's going to take it to the next level. Still lying to me about it. I guess once it's out in the open... Well, RC says it won't last. I feel sorry for whoever it is, he's not good with excepting responsibility for much. Plus, the financial burden is going to be a b**** and a half. My lawyer is going to go after the one thing he seems to care about the most right now: the money. No matter what, he's not getting out of his financial responsibilities to me, or my girls.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Law, How have things been for you lately? You have a lot of powerful insight.

[lawprofessor]

Hi 3,

I'm just an old dog at this, nothing special, but thank you.

I have a big hearing coming Wednesday that is a career maker so I'm prepping for that.  It might work my way but if it doesn't I will just find another way to get there!  This would be the dream realized that my ex and I shared many years ago and that I have gone forward with without him.  Always make your dreams come true. 

I went to a few sales and bought some pretty cool things! Antiques and taxidermy and fossils and such.  My bff and I have quite the little business going selling some of that stuff. 

I've joined a new gym and am buried in landscaping projects and gardening as well as spending time with my dogs that I love very much.  Life is good.

Best, LP