[patience.of.a.saint]

I haven't had monster since last April. I know he still monsters at his work, as he's told me about that, but not toward me at all.

Mine is always charming, with a sprinkle of smarta$$ thrown in. The way he treats me when he's here is almost back to the way he was when we were good, except that he lives with OW. He gives me these long hugs before he leaves, smells my hair. His eyes say one thing and his mouth says another.

Some days I feel like my MLCer is a breed of his own...

[blackice]

Mine is a super clinger even though we live in different states.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Mine is a super clinger even though we live in different states.

Try having one living outside the continental US. 

[hawk]

l actually wouldn't mind having a clinger . At least you know they haven't forgotten you and are having trouble deep down leaving .
Could call mine a few things but clinger she's not . That just makes you feel like sh@t . like they've just walked off , new life , gone and forgotten.

[blackice]

I still feel walked out on and forgotten. Just because he's always in my face doesn't mean I don't feel like I've been thrown away and tossed to the side like I was nothing. His new life is always in my face. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It makes it harder to detach and harder to heal and just because I know he's miserable doesn't mean it's easier on me to see it.

So yes on one hand we get to see the chaos but on the other hand we have to deal with all the drama that comes with all that chaos. Detached, nc, whatever. It's still there. Some clinge don't care about the contact boundaries. I know mine doesnt. He'll contact anyway.

[Stacia]

Hawk, In some ways it does feel good to see the care your MLCer has for you. Or at least I thought that in the beginning. But now its 7 months and H has a serious relationship with OW. And after a few Touch and Goes I realize he's not going to end it. So the kindness and slight affection he shows is actually pretty painful because it isn't anything you can hold on to. And like blackice says, it makes detachment so much harder.

I start getting a life and laughing and feeling strong and then I get a text about how he 'had a dream about me and he cant get it out of his mind'. WTF? It stops me in my tracks and then I wonder what he's feeling, what should I do or say, have I been too distant, do I tell him I have heart-wretching dreams about him and us nearly every night, should I make sure he knows I'm here for him...

Arghh. Now its all about him again! If I make the mistake of getting drawn into his affectionate conversation, it inevitably comes back to how I am to blame, how I pushed him away,  etc.

Then I feel I've dropped back a few paces and have to start again, gather my resolve and to get back to my life.

[patience.of.a.saint]

Hawk, In some ways it does feel good to see the care your MLCer has for you. Or at least I thought that in the beginning. But now its 7 months and H has a serious relationship with OW. And after a few Touch and Goes I realize he's not going to end it. So the kindness and slight affection he shows is actually pretty painful because it isn't anything you can hold on to. And like blackice says, it makes detachment so much harder.

I start getting a life and laughing and feeling strong and then I get a text about how he 'had a dream about me and he cant get it out of his mind'. WTF? It stops me in my tracks and then I wonder what he's feeling, what should I do or say, have I been too distant, do I tell him I have heart-wretching dreams about him and us nearly every night, should I make sure he knows I'm here for him...

Arghh. Now its all about him again! If I make the mistake of getting drawn into his affectionate conversation, it inevitably comes back to how I am to blame, how I pushed him away,  etc.

Then I feel I've dropped back a few paces and have to start again, gather my resolve and to get back to my life.

I do believe there IS a clinger who sounds just like mine...dreams and all! I will say though, that I no longer get the blame for anything, but I know exactly what you're talking about. Mine used to say stuff and then when I'd respond in kind, he'd turn it around on me and make it into something bad...even though he started it. I learned real quick to not go too far with conversations like that. I'm not sure when he quit doing that, but I get all charm now. Maybe it's just that I don't push anything when I talk to him...easy-peezy-breezy is how I treat him if he's here.

My reply to the crazy dreams is "That's a heck of a dream." Then I just let it go. He's asked about my dreams & I did tell him once that I had a dream about him, but he's always thinking dreams are only about sex...so when I said my dream was that he was here in bed, snuggled up with me, with his arm around me, I thought he'd be disappointed. Instead, his reply was "That's a good dream too."  I guess he liked that idea....who knows? lol I sleep so hard I rarely dream about anything, but it's only him I dream about if I do.

It IS hard to detach with a clinger. I find it easier to just have a lot of distractions to keep me from thinking about him constantly. I do better at that if he doesn't text me for a day, but he rarely goes a whole wknd without texting and during the week, he texts all day, everyday. He's very attentive...always a good morning, asks me what I'll be doing for the day, later on, he'll ask how that's going. It's all very sweet...but I keep my guard up... 

[Absolutely Fabulous]

l actually wouldn't mind having a clinger . At least you know they haven't forgotten you and are having trouble deep down leaving .
Could call mine a few things but clinger she's not . That just makes you feel like sh@t . like they've just walked off , new life , gone and forgotten.

I wish I had a vanisher. A clinger is such a pain in the a**. They put you through all types of paces. I know that we all wish we had the opposite. In my case, I would welcome him being gone for about 6 months, then I could get my life together w/o the interference. I could move forward, and not be in the limbo half life from He**. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I've initiated NC, but H won't respect the boundary. I need it at this point to be able to continue thinking straight.

It's easy for me to say I want a vanisher because at this point, H is in monster spew. I'd rather he not contact me or the kids.

[Strongcurrent]

Well I guess my H is termed a CB but doesnt totally fit.  It's nearing the 1 year mark since he left and over that time (with the exception of 4 weeks) he has been in constant contact or comes out to see me and the kids every weekend and at one stage said "he just wanted to hang with us".  But although always wanting to be here, or talking to friends as if he still lives with me, and not telling his friends or  relatives of the split he always says "I am  gone - not coming back".  Which i  have  struggled with, as he seems cruel (is this his monster?) and  his actions  do not fit his words at all. So not sure whether the clinging is just guilt ... Anyway we had the most  massive row of our entire 21years together last week so don't think I will hear from him in ages.

SC

[Absolutely Fabulous]

I think that the most heartbreaking part of dealing with a CC/BC, is the set up for rejection. The head games aren't so great either. Baiting/provoking/projecting are tiresome, and draining. He's not just messing with my head, but all 3 of my girls as well.

H is nice when he wants something. Really nice, but the constant talk of divorce, and not wanting to work with my lawyer is maddening. Think of it this way, they are constantly throwing their "new life" in our faces like there's some kind of prize in it. They say one thing, and do another as well.

When we go NC, they not only do it anyway, it seems to be driving them to contact. The constant need to get a reaction/attention to justify his bad behavior really pisses me off. That makes it even harder to detach and let go. They want us gone, but not really. They want to feed off of our pain, and make it look like it's our fault.

The worst part for me is when H also uses the kids to try to get to me. That's gut wrenching. They are confused and hurt too. But the need for drama, chaos, confusion, and turmoil are so great in him. If he has to use his own kids to continue it, then so be it.

I often wonder, if he wants out so badly, never loved me, and it's my fault that we're here: Then why can't he let me go?