[mountainbiker2]

I figured I would start a new topic after I saw a reply from Split open and melt on someone else's story. It seems from what i can find that for wives that go through crisis, or start affairs, its generally a bit different than the typical MLC male.

Quote from Split Open and Melt:

Unfortunately, reconciliation stories from men with MLC wives are few and far between. Good luck finding one here. But the first thing you will need to accept is that you can't guide your wife back, and likely any attempt will have the opposite effect. The best you can do is be the best YOU for yourself and your kid, and hope your W finds her way back on her own.

Would you agree with that, that women take longer to miss their old life/marriage and want to come back, maybe because the dynamics where MLC wife is convinced that her husband is weak and can't provide for her, or she is trapped and needs rescuing, where the MLC male has different reasons for leaving?

Or is it a case that the LBS Husband is more likely to stop standing and move on quicker, or is less forgiving?

I would like to see what other LBS Husbands have went through, if there are any positive stories, if they really are that different than a MLC male? Are most divorces usually initiated or agreed by the husband after they have finally given up?

[1trouble]

Hi

I am a LBS who's H has left but I felt I had to comment on your discussion

IF someone is in MLC then they are experiencing depression and dealing with a chemical imbalance regardless of their gender...

Whereas this forum is filled with kind caring compassionate men, for some men the deal breaker is the affair....for some women too
but generally I think men see this as a bridge too far...
IMO..

As for a success story (not from here) but I bumped into some friends of H & I that I had not seen for some time, so they did not know what had happened
to us.
I told them about H's MLC and they were so shocked but then went on to say this had happened to another couple they had been friends with for over 25 years.
They suddenly got an Xmas card from the H a few years ago and noticing it was just from him, telephoned him and heard his W had left suddenly saying she had been unhappy for most of their married life, he was devastated. 
They invited him round for dinner and heard the whole story but felt, as they had been friends with both they should also phone the wife and invite her on another evening.

She came round to them and said pretty much the script of how unhappy she had been, said some awful things about her H (which had come as a total surprise to my friends as they had always seen them as being a very close happy couple) and she had got her own flat, said she had started divorce proceedings, was seeing someone else and was looking forward to a new life.

However, two years later, she contacted her H (she didn't pursue the divorce) and they got back together.
The went round my friends house together for dinner and she said she didn't know what had happened to her, she called it 'her period of madness'
They have been together ever since....

I am currently working my way through the members list finding stories which relate to mine, I cut and paste a lot of information, inspirational quotes etc. which help me on down days and also to see if there is any common things (it has been very interesting).

what I have found is there are more reconciliations on here than I realised (some female MLC's too) not all the people who have reconciled have lilac and purple books and not all have changed their status to "home and rebuilding".

From what I have read there are several factors that can lead to a reconciliation, sadly most of them are out of the LBS's hands, the things that are in our hands are to pave the way, so they know the door is open, not to pursue and to be compassionate

Take care x

[Velika]

I have two girlfriends who I can now see likely had MLC affairs. One admits she had a MLC; the other told me she had the affair to feel like a different person which sounds like MLC.

One has gone back to her husband three times; one left, came back, and is living in a separate room.

So my IRL experience is that yes they can come back.

[Thunder]

Oh boy mb,

Right away 2 women jump on board, even though we were not asked.   

I do agree men find it harder to forgive an affair, in general.  I'm not sure why that is.  Maybe a male ego thing?
What do you think?  Maybe women don't trust they will forgive them so they don't try as often as men do??

Also and I may get a 2X4 for this but it has been proven women tend to be happier single, than men are.  Most women who end up single, even if they have a bf, like the new found freedom.  I can't explain it but that's just what I read.  All I can offer is maybe after years of being mother and wife they need time for themselves???  I don't know.
Just thought I'd offer that.

Ok, sorry..on to the guys.   

[Onward]

Hi MB2. There are stories of W returns on the forum. You will have to look to find them, and the purple icons are not the only or even the most reliable indicator.

I actually think there are similarities in MLCers of all genders: a deep inner hurt; projection onto the spouse; and a compulsion to run.

There are also similar behaviours: rewriting history; anger/monstering; age regression are just a few. But each situation as much as it has elements in common, is also unique.

Including the reactions and response of the spouse.

My own observation (and it's only an observation) is that the male LBSs tend to respond more angrily, and move on more quickly. Not all, of course. It does seem that the male LBSers tend to have a harder time forgiving. Again, each situation is individual, and female LBSers also move n quickly, respond angrily, and struggle to forgive.

This takes a long time, and requires patience. Grace. Forgiveness. And Agape love if you really want to restore your marriage. Read the articles. Then read them again, and again.

All that said, I personally am very close to two women who left their Hs and returned. One took 6 years, one took 18.

I know the Hs well. They lived their lives, loved their Ws, continued to support their children, and continued to hope without expectation. Neither of them moved forward with any formal legal proceedings.

Were the women MLCers? I can't say for sure. What I can say is they both returned and both couples swear their lives are better for it.

[jjal]

My wife walked away a little over 6 months ago, moved out 2 days after BD. I begged and pleaded for 2 days, and told her when she moved out that I was like her, I didn't beg. So I did a bunch of 180's, Last Resort Technique, and DB'd it like crazy. Took care of myself.

I still hold out hope. Have detached, do my own thing, and have no expectations. Even have had some periods of NC (no kids). She hasn't wavered one bit, and seems to want the D very soon. Lots of contradictions in many things she does though. She hasn't been a monster, angry a time or two mostly because her parents are all over her and are siding with me. But she has just been off doing her own thing, me too. 

I'm a pretty forgiving person, and not really ready to move on. I don't consider myself weak because of that, just someone who believes in the sanctity of marriage and really do not want to toss away 20 reasonably good years.

[mountainbiker2]

My wife walked away a little over 6 months ago, moved out 2 days after BD. I begged and pleaded for 2 days, and told her when she moved out that I was like her, I didn't beg. So I did a bunch of 180's, Last Resort Technique, and DB'd it like crazy. Took care of myself.

I still hold out hope. Have detached, do my own thing, and have no expectations. Even have had some periods of NC (no kids). She hasn't wavered one bit, and seems to want the D very soon. Lots of contradictions in many things she does though. She hasn't been a monster, angry a time or two mostly because her parents are all over her and are siding with me. But she has just been off doing her own thing, me too. 

I'm a pretty forgiving person, and not really ready to move on. I don't consider myself weak because of that, just someone who believes in the sanctity of marriage and really do not want to toss away 20 reasonably good years.

That sounds similar to me, first BD was a few months before you though. My wife might be a bit more boomerang than yours though, contacts me about once every 2 days and lately seems to be cycling towards, although I can't be certain and have no expectations of anything right now. Difference also is that we own a business still together, which she is probably scared of ending which is why she hasn't vanished or filed for divorce.

Also she has been extremely secretive about OM but I'm fairly certain that he is still in the picture, their relationship is now about 7 months, I have no clue as to any other details. Actually just received a christmas package for him(!) at our office from one of his family members, not sure what is up with that, makes me wonder why my wife would have them do that, is there really no other address they can send to? Is he in jail or traveling or something? I have no idea and Im not asking questions, just staying detached...

[UnconditionalLove]

Attaching!

[jjal]

My wife had an EA that was only a month old when she started detaching in early June. Since she jumped ship in July, they've spent lots of time on the phone talking and texting each other. Anywhere from 50-80 phone calls a month, 500-1200 text messages a month. I quit looking at her social media a few weeks after she left, check his every now and then. When I do see a pic of her on his pages, it's in a group and not standing near each other. Not fooling me.

After BD, she would email every day, not on weekends, but always wanted to know what I was doing on the weekends. That stopped 2 months in, emails became colder. Probably because I was GAL and vague. Sometimes I will get a chatty email, not sure what she is thinking half the time. I haven't responded to an email in 9 days.

She's still friends with some cousins and some of my family on Facebook. She has liked some of their photos they posted this week, even one of a distant cousin of mine she'd only met a handful of times in 20 years. Wow. Even liked my brother's family photo on XMas night. That was a big what the hell from me!!!

Even though I hold out hope, I let her go, and decided to chose myself and my self-respect over her crisis. Still not easy, good days and bad days.

[Split open and melt]

Hi mountainbiker, there was a similar thread started about reconciliation with Male LBS's sometime within the last year. It had some interesting stories in it. Stand by and I'll try to search it up.