[Absolutely Fabulous]

I have clinger that is cycling. He's at every 7 to 9 days.

Pros: at least he's still contacting the kids. He's not really that interested in them, but I guess he tries. I can also tell when he's stressed and just trying to push no non-existent buttons. It's all touch and goes. And, I have some clue as to what his state of mind is at this time. He's trying to be more cordial. He only texts and emails so it gives me time to respond at my own pace.

Cons: The cycling is trying. He's not supposed to contact me over anything but the kids, most of the time it's not over them. He's constantly fishing for information about me from the kids. And there's evidence of him cyber stalking me. He's demanding when I don't get back to him on his time frame. And, he's still got an arrogant/condescending attitude when he wants something. He also won't answer his phone, so immediate answers are a hassle.

For the most part: it sucks. It's extremely hard to move on and heal with you have someone constantly playing around with the finances and bugging the hell out of you. He owes me money, and expects me to come to him for it. He's been sent the bills from places he needs to pay, but still wants my "input". Or to find out if I'm in agreement with the amount. He knows how much he owes me, but still is trying to control the sitch.

[Thunder]

I've had a hard time figuring out what my X is.  He doesn't really fit any category.

He's a wallower, no Monster. no ow, always treated me pretty decent.

If I had to GUESS I'd say a clinger.  But not a clinging clinger.  LOL
In the beginning he didn't cling at all, but he does now.

[limitless]

Mine is a Vanisher.

When it comes to acceptance and detachment - having a Vanisher helps the LBS to do these things.  You really have no other choice but to accept and detach. 

I do not think that having a Vanisher is very positive towards reconciliation, though....but, quite honestly, having contact with a Clinger is just that - contact with a Clinger...I don't know that it is truly reconciliation many times.

I just believe the NC (Vanisher) increases the difficulty in making any contact...as they begin to "wake up."

Again...these are just MY observations from MY situation.

L

[serenity]

Mines a boomerang,

At times clinging! I don't think he's ever really gone more than about 4 weeks without contact.

When he took up with OW3 whilst he was staying with me a lot of the time - I put a strict NC boundary in place unless there was an emergency!

He now contacts weekly about anything and everything - sometimes it's just to tell me I'm beautiful!

I'm over 5 1/2 years into this.

There is no sense to any of it. We are still married and he lives with OW3!

Sometimes I feel like it's me that's mad, but I know I'm not.

X

[Thunder]

Limited, 

I really think you're right.  When they vanish you have to accept it and detach.  It's also good because there are no harsh words and fighting going on.  Those things cause so much pain and resentment.

So in my humble opinion I think it's easier to reconcile with a vanisher.  Not as much to get over.

[Faithfully Yours]

I am 3 1/2 years into this journey and I am not sure that my XH can be classified. LOL.     He is definitely not a clinger. I think if our children were not involved he would be a vanisher. Our only real communication involves the kids and he never asks how I am doing, etc. Still no eye contact, ignores texts, and cannot even say hello when I come to pick up or drop off kids. He is in a classification limbo I guess. Mainly just in an emotionless black abyss of nothing. He, he.

[CallingHeart]

I have a Vanisher - he is completely checked out. 
Complete silence.
No contact whatsoever.
Gone! Never even a touch or go since the day he BD’d

Pros:
- Forced into detaching
- Easier to GAL
- Not having to walk on eggshells or second guess how I should behave
- Protected from monstering
- Will I heal faster?  (the jury is still out on this one as healing may have nothing to do with him)

Cons: 
- There is a sense of dread & sadness that there can be "no possible closure" in the demise of my marriage
- I agree that reconciliation is less possible with a NC/Vanisher.  So very little hope
- Difficult to turn off my imagination as to what he could possibly be going through (OK, clearly I’m not detached)
- Losing respect for my husband and I believe him to be a weak coward who couldn't face real life
- Feel like I'm STUCK living in Limbo Land while Vanisher experiences a new life

You have an interesting point, Thunder. I had not considered that.
There is a school of thought that the longer NC, the lower the chances for reconciliation which requires communications.
But who really knows?

[Passiflora]

Sorry if I'm out of topic but, I can't help my self cause I disagree about this, about reconciliation is less possible with a vanisher. I don't believe that, it's not my experience.

My thoughts , with out real academic knowledge in psychology, is the same as what they say about narcissists. They are really weak inside, terrified of abandonment real or imaginary, terrified of stronger or more stubborn people, yet can't remove themselves out of the "victim zone" and show remorse. I think reconnection is totally up to the LBS with vanisher. They will connect, might take years, but  every thing is about how the LBS behaves.

I know 3 vanisher;
My dad, vanished after my mums affair (1980) for 4-5 years, tried every way there is to reconnect with me. He had some real abandon issues. Was up to OW#25 or something when he died. Ended up in jail for shooting one woman who wanted to leave him. Played the victim card all his life.

My mum, I've been NC for 6-8 years, got a Birthday card when I turned 50, really strange card. Silly me broke NC and called, no answer but she called back 30 minutes later. I did not take that call, I decided I can't take her narc behavior.

A couple I know, they split up cause the W vanished and ran away with an OM, remarried and divorced within 5 years. During the last 15 years she tries everything to reconnect with the LBS but he is remarried to another lady.

They all reach out over and over again but the "left behind" does not want the reconnection and/or reconciliation (moved on) OR does not have that agape love. I don't even know if I have agape love in me, can you have this kind of love towards people who abused you or done things to your children?

Sorry for bringing up another topic

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Passi, you've made a good point. I doubt that anyone could really know how to "get over it" when it comes to the kids. Mine wants me to marry someone else. They've had to deal with his childish behavior their whole lives, and they're done too.

We believe it's a spiritual thing. So the whole agape love thing gets really hard. It's one thing to do it to us, it's a whole other story to do it to the kids.

[mountainbiker2]

Mine started out sort of a clinger, then boomerang with higher than usual contact, definitely know she's not a clinger now that she's filed for D and is not showing any guilt about it, and has finally moved all her stuff out. Guess I will see if she vanishes once we're done, I'm assuming that will be the case, don't see this ship turning around any time soon.